Wishing Things Were Different

I trust God. Let me make that clear. I trust him in his infinite wisdom and in his impeccable timing. This doesn't mean however I don't wish things were different or temporarily disagree. You see here Ry and I are in another terrible situation.

We have been trying for another baby since our last miscarriage in March. Well, not right after as I had to wait a month or two, maybe three to try again after my D&C. We ended up finding out we were expecting the day after my birthday (July 14th). We were hosting a murder mystery party at our house and before I took any sips of alcholic beverages I wanted to be sure I wasn't putting an embryo in danger. Well, needless to say I didn't drink that night.

I called my OB bright and early Monday morning to report the positive test. He had me come in for my hormone draw the next day around noon. Blood came back at HCg of 29 and progesterone was 7. This sent alarms off inside me, my progesterone should have been AT THE LEAST 15. He decided to draw the levels again in  48 hours. On Thursday my HCg was 57 (for those of you that don't know, doubling time of about 48 hours is ideal)-i was just one number shy of double which my OB was happy about. That evening he called me in progesterone, since it looked like my pregnancy was progressing in the right direction he wanted to try to avoid an miscarriage due to low progesterone. So that night I started progesterone suppositories. They are about as fun as they sound plus some, look it up if you really want to know.

Fast Forward a week to Thursday July 27th. I had blood drawn again. When the doctor's nurse called he said the levels were "normal" and he wanted an ultrasound on Friday August 3rd to check on the baby and make sure everything was okay.

On Wednesday August 1st I was down on our main floor getting ready for all the babysitting kiddos when I felt something. I went to the bathroom and I had already bled through my panties and pants. I ran out to get Ry who was getting in his car to head to work and told him to wait, I may need to head to the hospital. Within a couple of hours I was at the women's ER being evaluated. They did a urine test, blood work and an ultrasound. When my OB made it down to the ER where I was he said my HCg was up to 2800 from 7-forty something (he gave me the exact number-don't remember it now) and said the radiologist that read my ultrasound said the gestation sac was low. He commented there could have been a couple of different reasons for the blood loss but he was leaning toward miscarriage. We left there not really knowing which way this was going to go, healthy pregnancy and baby or loosing the baby.

I went for my scheduled ultrasound this morning, not expecting much since the ultrasound just 48 hours ago didn't show much. As I was sitting there watching the screen in front of me I knew. I knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy and I was in the same position as I was back in March except my current bleeding has stopped. I am currently sitting in my living room, feet propped up watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix waiting for my OB's office to call. Drugs, Surgery, natural....it's all so much to think about and ponder over. I know my body, I know how it reacts in these situations and it frightens me to "let it take a natural coarse". I tend to clot-A LOT-like huge chicken breast or larger clots hurt when expelled. Part of me would rather just have the D&D and get it over with instead of drawing the process out. I am going to sit here and pray about my options until something is clear.

I wish things were different but I trust in HIS timing, not mine.