Worry

“Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.”

I have always been a worrier. Since the day I was born I have worried about things both in and out of my control. Its in my blood, my father is the EXACT same way. I have tried to change, I truly have, but life circumstances have just shown me that worry is warranted (in my small corner of the world). 

They make medicine for that some will say. Yep, I know, I am currently on it, not once, but twice a day as needed. Unfortunately it's who I am, its in my DNA. So why should this aspect in the current season of my life warrant any less worrying? It shouldn't, I have a barrage of things to worry about and my thought is maybe by listing them here and putting them down in black and white will either:

A) make is seem like it is a legitimate worry

or

B) show me its as silly as all get out and can be put at the bottom of the "worry" list

Gosh, where to start, well I will just say it. I am worried that we don't have enough money in the bank for the kind of funeral/memorial that Keegan deserves and that I want for him. The first step obviously would be to contact the funeral home and get that ball rolling. As much as I am "down for that" it solidifies in my mind that my sweet little boy is not going to beat this and that breaks my heart even more than it's already broken. We pretty much know what we want for him already its just getting the price tag for it and that scares me to death. Do you know that the average funeral costs $6560 (2009)? I know when Ryan's mom passed away the bill was much more than this. While Ry and and I both have life insurance because I believe it's one of the best investments you can make as a married couple, we were unable to obtain life insurance on Keegan due to the Simpson-Golabi-Behmel diagnosis shortly after birth. Not to mention the subsequent cancer. I want it to do his sweet life justice without sacrifice. I know not many of you have been in our position and can't imagine it but wouldn't you want the best, nicest, most wonderful celebration of your child's life?

I worry, I am terrorized, and plagued with fear for the end. The unknown is the worst part. Keegan is doing well now and we are even going to discuss some other chemo options that he has yet to see to try to get some better results but without a miracle/divine intervention (which I know is possible) we are faced with the reality that the end WILL HAPPEN. Whether is sooner or later we don't know. And since we don't know then we obviously don't know how it will happen. Keegan's oncologist explained to us it can happen a plethora of different ways. The best and possibly "happiest" way for him to enter into eternity would be to just slowly stop breathing. The lack of oxygen provides a euphoric feeling. I know it's weird but that kind of comforts me. To know he would be "happy" as he left us and went into Heaven. I was there when my Mother in Law passed away from breast cancer just three short years ago and I relive her last days in my head all the time and I don't want that for my son. While I know their cancer's are different it still haunts me.

I fear that we will never be able to have another child and I also worry that if we manage to have more children they too will get sick and leave us. Some people know and others don't that we were trying for Baby Chupp #2 from February of this year up until last month, which obviously was unsuccessful. Lots of people have weighed in on the matter and while I haven't talked to my doctor about the issue yet some people seem to believe it was the stress I was under in my day to day life that inhibited conception. We became pregnant with Keegan our first try so this was very hard for me to endure. I temped and used OPK's and it just didn't happen. While we have put the plans for #2 on hold for now it is still there nagging me in the back of my mind.

 

Those are just some of the worries that run through my mind on a daily if not hourly basis. I know many of you will tell me to turn to God and let all my worries rest on his shoulders. I try. I am still working on that but a mother's worry is a mother's worry and those of you that are mom's I believe can understand this. I try not to let it "ruin" my day but I would be lieing if I told you these things weren't on my mind first thing in the morning and last thing at night.

 

Here is to a new day with less worry. Right?



::Deep Sigh::

First off, let me start this post by apologizing. I am so sorry for not updating as much lately. I find myself saying this a lot to our gracious followers. Its been a "normal" couple of weeks. Nothing major. I also decided about a week and a half ago to "try to not be on the computer as much." Its working out pretty well. I haven't turned my computer on since Sunday the 9th (until today of coarse). This means that I kinda forget about think like email and facebook. It also seems that I neglect my blog; again , sorry about that.

This post is gonna be short. We have an MRI tomorrow 10/20. I having been praying without ceasing. Any cancer patient or their family will tell you that MRI/CTs or other testing will bring out anxiety like never before. You live from scan to scan and the closer you get to the next scan the worse the fear and anxiety grip you. I am there right now. I have weened myself off of my anti anxiety and taking minimal antidepressants, so this is gonna be an interesting 24 hours.

On our Facebook fan page Karing for Keegan we have asked followers to wear green tomorrow in support of Keegan and our family. You can upload the pics of you and your family or pets in green to our page or send them to me at chupp.beth@gmail.com. I will showcase you after our scans.

Last but not least if you are a praying person, we ask for you prayers for patience and peace as we put him under general anesthesia, wait for the 2 1/2 hour full brain and spine scan and then talk with Dr. Shih. We should find out preliminary results tomorrow after the scan and ask for more prayers that the cancer is gone from the radiation and that we can progress onto metronomic chemotherapy.

I feel like I am asking a lot of you guys. I believe in the power of prayer, I always have. I hope you do too!

(photo courtsey of : Whisper from the Heart)

When Life Gives You Lemons....

or so I have always been told. Sometimes this feat is easier said than done.

Sometimes you would rather do this:

Its funny because I thought I was okay. I thought that I WAS making lemonade out of the lemons I we had been handed; but I was wrong, way wrong. I don't want to bore you with all the lemons that life has thrown at us in the last couple of years because, well, this post would be longer than originally intended but I will share with you my breaking point and some of the MAJOR problems.

I read a blog post about a week ago, usually no big deal, I follow a lot of blogs. I don't know all of the authors of these blogs, but after reading them for sometime you feel like you know them, they are family. I follow blogs with multiples, blogs with special needs babies, blogs for mommas that want to save money, and the list goes on. 

One blog I  follow is a mom who believes in natural birth. Fine, Great, Wonderful. She doesn't believe in Pitocin, although she has had some herself, she doesn't believe in epidurals or c-sections. She believes breastfeeding in the first few minutes of life and her rantings go on and on. After reading this post on this specific day, it's like the flood gates released. It was ALL I could think about for days. I just kept playing my whole birth experience over and over in my head; I wanted all these things, I wanted to be awake when my child took his first breath in the world, I wanted to nurse him in the first 30 minutes of life so he could get what he needed from me, I wanted all this! But unfortunately life is not perfect. I didn't choose to have pitocin, I had to be induced because if I wasn't there was a chance both Keegan and myself were in harms way, its  called Pre-Eclampsia. Once my liver enzymes started to elevate, my doctor; whom I trust with my life, felt it necessary to get us both to a safe place.
Although the epidural was an option, you try going through contractions on Pictocin without one and come back and tell me how it feels! Its hell on earth. Once they started to turn my drip up I could not wait for an epi, I went from 0-10 pain threshold within an hour, totally unnatural. When my sons head was found to be STUCK inside me and too large to come out, my doctor made the decision, upon consulting with some other doctors that Keegan was going to have to be born via c-section, not in my plan but sometimes SH*T happens! When we got into the operating room all I had was a epidural that had stopped working and according to my anesthesiologist, they didn't know why......Dr. Mann started to cut, when I replied that I could feel the scalpel cutting my skin open I was knocked out. When I came to I was in recovery with my husband and a nurse. No baby anywhere to be seen.
I didn't see my son until a couple of hours after he was born, and even then I couldn't hold him, he was down in the NICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. They rolled me in to see him on my bed so I didn't have to get up....I couldn't breastfeed within the first 30 minutes of life and my baby of all babies needed that being 6 weeks early ......
This blog post that I read, it was my breaking point. I had PPD, Post Partrum Depression. At first I didn't know which doctor I should call. My OB would have first hand experience with this but my family physician knew my medical history and some episodes of anxiety/depression from my past. I ended up calling my family doctor. When I went in to talk with him about the situation I realized that it was worse than I thought. Yea, I didn't have any energy to do laundry, clean my house, pick up the kitchen, I just thought that these were part of being a new mom; not enough hours in a day. Maybe some of them are but when you add in anxiety about your child's future medical needs, anxiety about repercussions of the uterine stroke or SGBS paired with depression about having a preemie baby who is in physical therapy once a week, it can all be very overwhelming. After seeing Dr. Inz and being put on Celexa I feel much better about the immediate future. I am not all there yet, lord knows the drugs haven't really had a chance to work  but even after the discussion I had with him I feel like I can do this......
He wants me to take 20-30 minutes every other day or so and go down to my basement and get on the treadmill, I loved working out pre baby. I felt so much better about my self and my health. I am also trying to find a good counselor to talk to, maybe someone who is familiar with traumatic births, preemie babies and/or special needs babies. I would ultimately like to find a parents group who have children with special needs. I think networking with these people would help out tremendously; never mind the fact that one day, whenever that may be and I am in a better place I can help someone else.....
Depression and anxiety can affect people differently. I am so glad I am getting the help I need so I can move forward, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to enjoy this time with my new family. They mean more to me than the world! Here is to hoping for some relief in the weeks to come, that each day will get easier and I will learn how to manage all my fears and hopes......