Monday, October 31, 2011


“Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.”

I have always been a worrier. Since the day I was born I have worried about things both in and out of my control. Its in my blood, my father is the EXACT same way. I have tried to change, I truly have, but life circumstances have just shown me that worry is warranted (in my small corner of the world). 

They make medicine for that some will say. Yep, I know, I am currently on it, not once, but twice a day as needed. Unfortunately it's who I am, its in my DNA. So why should this aspect in the current season of my life warrant any less worrying? It shouldn't, I have a barrage of things to worry about and my thought is maybe by listing them here and putting them down in black and white will either:

A) make is seem like it is a legitimate worry
B) show me its as silly as all get out and can be put at the bottom of the "worry" list

Gosh, where to start, well I will just say it. I am worried that we don't have enough money in the bank for the kind of funeral/memorial that Keegan deserves and that I want for him. The first step obviously would be to contact the funeral home and get that ball rolling. As much as I am "down for that" it solidifies in my mind that my sweet little boy is not going to beat this and that breaks my heart even more than it's already broken. We pretty much know what we want for him already its just getting the price tag for it and that scares me to death. Do you know that the average funeral costs $6560 (2009)? I know when Ryan's mom passed away the bill was much more than this. While Ry and and I both have life insurance because I believe it's one of the best investments you can make as a married couple, we were unable to obtain life insurance on Keegan due to the Simpson-Golabi-Behmel diagnosis shortly after birth. Not to mention the subsequent cancer. I want it to do his sweet life justice without sacrifice. I know not many of you have been in our position and can't imagine it but wouldn't you want the best, nicest, most wonderful celebration of your child's life?

I worry, I am terrorized, and plagued with fear for the end. The unknown is the worst part. Keegan is doing well now and we are even going to discuss some other chemo options that he has yet to see to try to get some better results but without a miracle/divine intervention (which I know is possible) we are faced with the reality that the end WILL HAPPEN. Whether is sooner or later we don't know. And since we don't know then we obviously don't know how it will happen. Keegan's oncologist explained to us it can happen a plethora of different ways. The best and possibly "happiest" way for him to enter into eternity would be to just slowly stop breathing. The lack of oxygen provides a euphoric feeling. I know it's weird but that kind of comforts me. To know he would be "happy" as he left us and went into Heaven. I was there when my Mother in Law passed away from breast cancer just three short years ago and I relive her last days in my head all the time and I don't want that for my son. While I know their cancer's are different it still haunts me.

I fear that we will never be able to have another child and I also worry that if we manage to have more children they too will get sick and leave us. Some people know and others don't that we were trying for Baby Chupp #2 from February of this year up until last month, which obviously was unsuccessful. Lots of people have weighed in on the matter and while I haven't talked to my doctor about the issue yet some people seem to believe it was the stress I was under in my day to day life that inhibited conception. We became pregnant with Keegan our first try so this was very hard for me to endure. I temped and used OPK's and it just didn't happen. While we have put the plans for #2 on hold for now it is still there nagging me in the back of my mind.
Those are just some of the worries that run through my mind on a daily if not hourly basis. I know many of you will tell me to turn to God and let all my worries rest on his shoulders. I try. I am still working on that but a mother's worry is a mother's worry and those of you that are mom's I believe can understand this. I try not to let it "ruin" my day but I would be lieing if I told you these things weren't on my mind first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
Here is to a new day with less worry. Right?


  1. Hi Beth,
    When I was pregnant with Abby (and before I knew the he$$ we'd go through) I would worry all the time. Then I read this verse in church one day, and it changed my life. Turns out, there actually was reason to worry but I finally realized doing so wouldn't have changed her outcome. Here's the verse, I hope it's okay to post it but it truly did help me with my constant anxiety-- especially the line about the birds, for some reason:

    "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

  2. Beth,

    This organization donates headstones to parents who have lost a child. Maybe this will help relieve some of your worry:

  3. Check out this website, too, it gives links to organizations who help with funeral expenses:

    So sorry that you're having to deal with this...

  4. Hi Beth,
    It's ok to worry, you just don't want it to run you through. Just keep giving it to Jesus don't hold on to it for worry in itself will make you ill.

    Thanks for being honest here. God will provide for He knows your need.

    Continuing to pray for 100% health and I won't stop asking for healing hear on earth.


  5. I am a natural worrier too. I worry about everything, obsessively. I think anyone in your position, whether they are a worrier or not, would be scared. You are such a wonderful mother. Keegan is so lucky. It is okay to worry and be scared. Many prayers from Florida. Thinking of you. BTW that is my favorite quote. It sometimes helps me too. I always tell it to myself when I can't get myself to stop worrying about something.

  6. Worry Wart is my middle name! I couldn't imagine going through what your going through. You are such an amazingly strong parent even though you probably don't feel that way. Your in my thoughts and prayers every day along with Keegan.

  7. You are such an amazing strong mommy. I absolutely cannot imagine your worry and I am praying for you and Keegan Daily. I put his button up on my website and will try to get as many people together to help as I can. You should not have to worry about anything, just spend the precious time with your sweet Keegan. God Bless <3

  8. I dont know you personally, but I stumbled on your blog one night and have NOT been able to forget it... Would you email me, I am not able to email you through the "contact us" email? I wanted to share with you about what I went through with planning my sons memorial service.. Im not sure if my email add. will show up to you? I will check if you reply also.

  9. I understand your worry for your son but I cannot imagine the depth to which your heart is breaking. Just thinking about it makes me cry. My oldest son's name is Keegan and our boys were born on the same day so your story touches my heart to the core! Know that I am praying for you and your precious little boy and the rest of your family! I pray that the God of all comfort and love would wrap His arms around you all and that you will be comforted by the fact that you will see your son again but when you do he will be made perfect in Christ! Love and blessings to you and your family!


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