Friday, August 31, 2012


How do I go about starting a blog post where I ask you guys, my general public, to contribute money to an organization that helps fund new research for childhood cancer? Do I give a startling statistic like:

AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY: In 2010 directed $0.01 (a penny) to childhood cancer research for every dollar of public support.   (Total expenses: $951,123,000 and total directed at childhood cancer research:$11,900,000. Source:ACS)


perhaps a visual?

What about a fact about childhood cancer?

13,500 children are diagnosed with cancer every year in the United States
1 in 5 children diagnosed with cancer will die.

Does that do it for you? Because you know what, this could be your child. Childhood cancer is not immune to race, sex, or socio-economic status. Its real and it affects thousands of people in this country EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

So, what do we do about it you may ask....well there are a myriad of different organizations you can donate to for the cause. You know one of my ALL TIME favorites is St. Baldricks.....BUT I would like to introduce you to CureSearch.

CureSearch for Children's Cancer is a non-profit foundation who fund and support research for the different childhood cancers. They are also a great resource for information and support to those affected by childhood cancer. It helps to support clinical trials that could be the next BIG THING for development of new drugs. I love that on their website, they make all their financials known. They tell you where all the money goes and even provide tax documents for interested individuals.

They host many fundraisers, one of which, is a walk. Hundreds of cities throughout the U.S. hold them every year. Welp, as luck would have it CureSearch is having its FIRST.EVER walk in Evansville this year. I have been asked to help head up the walk which will be held on October 20, 2012. We are still in the meeting and planning phase BUT its never too late to create a team and raise money. So that is what I have done.

If you head over here. You can either join our team and walk with us on that  day or you can be a part of our virtual team. It's asked that you have a $10 donation per adult. Please, if you don't do anything else this year a small donation to our team will go a long way. It is tax deductible and some companies will match your gift!

I know I seem to ask for money ALL the time. But this is a really important cause, as you are all well aware, that is near and dear to my heart. Just think about a child in your life...could you imagine walking with them through such an ordeal with no support?!?!

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Thursday, August 30, 2012

6 Weeks

6 weeks. 60,480 minutes. This is how long I am gonna be away from my husband. He is going out of town on Tuesday September 4th. He will be living/working/playing in NYC, The Bronx to be exact.

The anxiety about the trip started at the beginning of this week since it was "official" and all. 6 weeks he will be working on a water treatment facility plant and not home with me and our dogs, the thought of it breaks my heart. I have called my doctor and am having them refill my klonopin as we speak. I have been off of it since shortly after Keegan passed away but I think I may need it. I know me and I know my anxiety {My therapist thinks a pretty good idea too}.

So if anyone feels like they want to keep me company or take me on a "date" {girls only of coarse, I'm a married woman!} feel free to call/email/face book me. I am sure I am gonna go through my ENTIRE book stash, maybe even start eating microwave meals, knitting, and being an introvert......JUST KIDDING, I could NEVER be like that......but seriously I know I will get lonely!

 I do have a web cam and hopefully *fingers crossed* a hubby on the other hand that can take some time out and Skype with his lonely wife.
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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Proceed with Caution: Work in Progress

I'm a work in progress....Y'all know that. I've been to two therapy sessions since the last I posted {I know I must make it more of habit to get on here and let you know what's up}. I can say that the last week or so has been the best yet since Keegan has gone to heaven and I thank my wonderful therapist for that.

I love this lady guys, really. She gets me....she understands where I am coming from and helps me wade through all the crap that weighs me down on a daily basis. Basically I big puffy heart this lady x 10!

Last week she tried a form of psychotherapy called EMDR.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. "When a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, according to the founder,  it may overwhelm usual cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli of the event are inadequately processed, and are dysfunctionally stored in an isolated memory network. The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering influence and allowing patients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms."(Wikipedia, 2012, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, August 19, 2012 <>)

The first time we tried it my brain decided it didn't want to go there. My therapist wanted to delve into my anger associated with Keegan's life, sickness and death but my brain was not ready. I can only describe what happened as odd and very interesting once you listen to your body and what it is trying to tell you. While going through this exercise the room started to blur. Its stared with the background and slowly moved to the foreground. By the time we were done everything was blurry and I couldn't make out my therapists face. She went on to tell me that that was my brains way of telling me it wasn't ready to process anger yet.

We moved on that evening and worked on being surrounded by love and remembering good times with Keegan. I left there feeling uplifted and in awe of myself, to be quite honest.

I went into my session last night with an open mind and ready to accomplish some stuff. We talked for about an hour and then my therapist decided she wanted to work on some EMDR. In this approach its important for the patient to have a "safe place" you need to be able to feel it, see it and go there when you need a break. So last night after our "chat" we worked on that. She did the normal EMDR stuff but had me focus on my safe place and it was nothing shy of amazing.

I will share with you that my safe place included Keegan, me and my guardian angel. It was beautiful and I felt complete.  It was refreshing for me to be in this place reading Keegan a book as he was snuggled into my lap. We were embraced by my guardian angel in a three person hug, so much love surrounded us! When I knew my time in the safe place was coming to a close I said goodbye to Keegs. He hopped off my lap and left the room {if you want to call it that} hand in hand with my guardian angel.

This post may make it seem like I a little nutso, I know,  but this form of processing is really amazing. I look forward to my session next week. I can tell you from experience that I have had less "flashbacks" already. I don't find myself reliving the night before Keegan passed. I am trying to focus on happy light memories and while things do just sort of pop up I have learned to roll with it. They are flashing back for a reason.

As for my "crisis of faith" all that can be said right now is that "I'm working on it". I met with one of the pastors from church toward the end of last week. We talked about everything. My anger with God for letting this happen to MY son, MY family. We talked about why WE didn't get our prayers answered even though I had hundreds perhaps thousands praying for us. He sent me home with homework. He wanted me to read a chapter of Job every day {which I am proud to say I have}-and while it is a bit of a downer I can find passages that completely relate to! Oh and get this, because I asked him why my prayers aren't answered he gave me a very interesting way to track them. Write them down. He advised me to write down my prayers everyday/night. That way I can go back and see how God answered them and/or was working. {I will confess, I have yet to do this because I feel funny. Not sure if I should write out my entire prayer or just do a "cliffs Notes" type deal...Ill keep you updated on this}.

So while I am still a work in progress I feel already that I am making progress.
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Monday, August 20, 2012

What I need

Well, a lot has happened since the last post. I am going to try to give you a run through as to decisions that have been made and progress ::Yes you read that right, Progress::!

I went to see a therapist last Wednesday. This was the best decision HANDS.DOWN! After putting a status up on facebook, as mentioned in the last post, I looked into all of them and what they had to offer. One of my friends talked about her therapist a few weeks back and since I know she doesn't get on facebook all that often I shot her a text and asked her the name of the person she sees. I knew she loved her and helped her tremendously so I decided to give her a shot. Lots of people had great suggestions but something was pulling me toward my friends therapist and I went with it.

I showed up a few minutes before our session was supposed to start. When I emailed her the previous Monday I gave her a tensy blip into why I needed to see her, point blank, my 2 year old passed away from Brain Cancer in December. So I showed up and within five minutes or so I was sitting in her office really unsure of how this would go ::remember I have a previous bad experience with a therapist and was "tainted".     We started talking and within minutes I was crying and spilling some of my deepest darkest fears, worries, and stressors.

Through our 2 hour session she took lots of notes, she cried with me, and also told me that she can help me! She told me I have depression (which I knew), anxiety (which I kinda knew), and PTSD (which shocked me a little). I told her about the flashbacks, which I mention a few posts back, and described how vivid and terrifying they can be. She told me that was indeed a flashback like some of the solider that come back from war have. We talked about some of the ones that have been the most vivid. She said she can definitely help me with the flashbacks and they may take a few sessions to get under control. In the meantime I am to keep a "journal" of the flashbacks(what they are, how I felt, details, etc.)

We talked about a lot of things and she made me feel more normal that I ever thought I would but more than anything she is giving me hope that I am NOT as broken as I think I am. I started taking a whole Celexa every other night instead of half and that has helped the empty helpless feeling. I know this is going to be a lot of work. I have 2 years, 2 months, 12 hours and 5 minutes worth of memories nevermind all the other issues from my past.

We also discussed my want/need to have children. I told her about both miscarriages and my fear there is something wrong. She told me she didn't think I should get pregnant again before I am in a little better shape, mentally speaking. After I realized how long we had been chatting and fearing I was racking up a ginormous  bill, I scheduled my next session, she gave me hug, and I walked out of there with my shoulders held a littler higher....they seemed not quite as heavy as when I went in.

That night when I got home Ry and I started talking about postponing the having kids thing until I was a little better off depression/anxiety wise. He asked me about the pill which I had discussed with him shortly after I discovered we were miscarrying this past time. So the next day I called my OB's office. They informed me that before he would give me a script he wanted my HCG levels checked to make sure I passed all the tissue and I was no longer pregnant.

Sooooo Friday at noon I had my levels drawn. I should have known how torturous just walking into The Women's Hospital would be. To say I hate that place right now would be spot on.....I walked in trying not to look around to see all the pregnant ladies or brand new babies. If I was still pregnant with the first baby of the year  I would have been due at the beginning of November so I would be getting close and probably huge! Any who So I got the blood drawn and got home as soon as possible. I can honestly say if I don't go back there again until my annual in January I will be better off!

Today my doctors nurse called me to tell my the test came back negative and that he is okay with me going back on the pill. When I asked her about seeing the Reproductive Endocrinologist to do testing she had to go back and re-ask him. He said that he is okay with us trying one more time on our own without any testing but suggested waiting 2-3 cycles. When she informed him I was going on the pill he thought that would be a good idea. The plan is stay on the pill through the end of December/Beginning of January and then go off in time for my annual at the end of January.

So, while I want to be pregnant and have a child to love sooner than later I know that waiting is for the best. While it kills me to watch all these people announce their happy healthy pregnancies on the inter-webs I have to tell myself that I will have that someday in the future.  Right now is not the time for us, as evidenced by my body and its willingness to cooperate. Plus it gives me time to grieve....with all the big anniversaries and dates coming up this fall I can grieve and not have to worry.

So while its not what I want right now, its really what I need.
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Monday, August 13, 2012

The Time Has Come

To say its been a hard weekend would be an extreme understatement. I have had one of the worst weekends of my life. I am not sure exactly what "tipped it off" but I know it started Friday night...and is still lingering. I'll get to details in a minute but before that I will let you know that I have NEVER thought about taking my life or doing anything to harm others. This is purely about my mental state. PERIOD.

Like I said I am not sure how this snowball formed but the avalanche that ensued was terrifying. I say it was terrifying is because my faith has become involved.....I'm not even really sure how that happened. I remember laying on the couch staring at the pictures that adorn the main wall in our living room.  Tears started coming for my baby that can't be hugged, cuddled or kissed. I miss this child more than words can ever convey. I started to pray but no sooner than I started praying than I started to question the very act.

{Let me explain my faith a little here}

I have always believed that Keegan was chosen for us and that we were chosen for Keegan. God had an ultimate plan and we were part of it. I believed prayer could change things and miracles could be performed. After all there are many accounts in the bible about God healing people on death's doorstep. I have always prayed for other people, my family and those in need of prayer or God's touch.

So I was laying on the couch and all of a sudden I began to question prayer. We had thousands of people praying for clean scans, remission, and OUR miracle....but that NEVER happened. So Friday night.... fear began to engulf me.....I think Satan was trying very hard to invade my heart. I really do. The  negativity toward prayer and the lack of results because of it spiraled out of control. The questioning of prayer turned into a question of faith and how a loving almighty God can put people through the ringer like Ryan and I have been through. How a loving God can let children get cancer and die EVERY.SINGLE.DAY! I don't understand.

Once these thoughts started to happen then didn't stop {That is how I know it was Satan} was relentless.

Saturday I seemed to be okay. I stayed busy all morning running errands, painting the bedroom, and doing general cleaning. We relaxed all afternoon and then went out for sushi with some good friends and came back to our house to play games and enjoy some spiced rum I got as a birthday gift from said friends.

To say I was uninterested in church Sunday would be spot on. I felt terrible for the thoughts I had Friday night but I had decided that I needed to step away from our kids ministry in which I taught 4th and 5th grade girls. I felt that since I was having such a "crisis of faith" and having a hard time believing the word of God and everything I have ever learned in church how can I teach young girls these things. I talked to our pastor's wife who agreed with me and understood where I was coming from. After loosing your only child in which they were sick 94% of their young life and then go on to have 2 miscarriages in 6 moths its hard to keep a "everything happens for a reason" mentality. I then spoke with another pastor's wife who shed tears with me and agreed it was probably for the best for now. I am already trained and back round checked so whenever I am ready to come back, they will be ready to have me.

Sunday went from okay straight down hill. By the end of the message at church yesterday I had such a bad headache all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Which is exactly what I did. The bad thoughts and utter depression came back yesterday evening, again not sure what triggered it. I found myself sitting at my computer looking at pictures longing for my little boy only to find empty arms and an empty house (minus Ry of coarse).

It was then and there that I put a status update out there on my personal facebook page for a recommendation of Social Workers or Therapists. I got lots of recommendations ::thank you for that::. I have found one whom I hope works but if she doesn't I will move on and find another. This gives me hope.

I tried to talk to a therapist after Ryan's mother passed away from breast cancer in '08. At the time it was my first experience with watching someone pass and I needed desperately to talk about it. The person I chose was terrible and put a bad taste in my mouth for the whole thing.

So Wednesday at 7pm I go for some help because lets face it...  the time has come. I am broken and need to be fixed. I know it wont be quick OR easy but I do know that for my health this needs to be done.  I know there will be lots of tears shed and memories drudged up but this is what is best......I know it is. In the meantime I am going to start a devotional in hopes that I don't stray to far from my faith as I know that ultimately its my lifeline.

{I am being open and honest in this post, please do not bad mouth me or my struggle. It is very personal but I wanted to share where I am at. Its a bad place, I realize this and that is why I am going to talk to our pastor and a therapist}

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Friday, August 10, 2012

Happy Friday!

Its Friday! I can't believe I made it through the ENTIRE week and I am still standing. Some people know this but I don't think I have put this anywhere but I babysit out of my home. The idea started after Keegan got sick but it really didn't make much sense because we had to watch the germs/people that we exposed Kee to.  After Keegan passed away I was unsure of where I and what I wanted to do. I had spent the last year and half at home as the primary care taker for my son, I didn't honestly feel like going right out into the work force was the best idea for me.

I started small. I watched one little girl who was about to turn two with plans to watch my nephew Matthew when he was born in February. My plan got kinda thwarted when the mom of the little girl I was watching got laid off. So....I put a message out of facebook and within a week I started watching a 3 year old and it was an amazing decision. She makes me smile, warms my heart on a daily basis. My nephew came along and after my sister's maternity leave I began watching forward 5 months and I have a house full!

In the state of Indiana you can 5 kids if you are not licensed and I don't plan on getting licensed so that is the max I will take. I have been hovering around 2-3 kiddos on a  daily basis for about 2 months now. However; the mom of the three year old I watch recommended me to her friend that was returning to work after a couple month hiatus. She has 2 kiddos and they started this week.

On Monday it was a bit challenging but by the end of the day today I can say we are in a much better place. I love children and I actually have a degree in Elementary Ed so this is right up my ally. If I am not mean to be a mom to babies here on earth right now, I will settle for this. I love these kids with all my heart.

{Just a little insight into my life}

PS-did you notice we are 89% to our goal for Peach's Neet feet in honor of Keegan's Birthday on Septmeber 23rd? Should we up the anty?

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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Exciting News.....for once.

So as I mentioned on our face book page I have been racking my brain on how to celebrate and mark Keegan's third birthday and the 2 years 2 months that he was here with us. I have gone back and forth on what to do but I finally have it!

For those of you that know Ry and I personally know that we both very into art. In fact we both seriously were part of great art programs in high school and I even walked to minor in it in college. He has a form of that degree as he is computer aided drafting....but anyway.....We feel strongly about art. So this endeavor makes perfect sense.

There is this AHMAZING girl named Peach. She is for lack of a better word a personal hero of mine as she is doing something amazing with her God given talent and I have been looking and looking for a way to support her for months. She has this not for profit called Peach's Neet Feet. You should check it out when you get a chance, but until then here is a little bit about Peach's Neet Feet.

She, along with a couple other artists, take shoes (Van's and converse mostly) and hand paint designs, motto's and some pretty cool things on them and these shoes aren't for anyone....oh no....they are for some pretty RoCkIn kiddos! Her main focus is kids battling pediatric cancers. Our friend Sam got a pair a few months ago. She also takes referrals from kids battling other issues such as organ transplant, burn victims and other childhood diseases along with long term disabilities and genetic issues. SEE I told you this chick rocks!

She even donates a percentage of every shoe sponsored to CureSearch and Life Rolls On.

According to Peach on her website: "We customize each shoe to complement the deserving child's life, interests, and courageous fight! Most of the art used is original and we are open to all ideas and themes."

Here are just a few examples: is where I want to make a difference for Keegan's birthday. Each pair costs about $25-$30. I would LOVE to be able to sponsor 10 pairs of shoes {possibly and annual thing} in honor of Keegan's day of birth. I think it's a amazing way to give back and help put a smile on these kids faces. What do you you think we can do it by his birthday on September 23rd? This would warm my heart more than you would ever know.

I have spoken with Peach before about doing something like this and she will let us enclose a card about Team Keegan and what we do. If I can get 30 people to donate $10 each by his birthday we will have our 10 pairs of shoes.....I will start with a $30 dollar donation myself....anyone with me?

I will take all donations through the Chip In site that we used for Keegan's funeral expenses. Once we reach his birthday...with all $300 I will send it to Peach to get the shoes. I believe she will then send me info on all the kids we sponsor. The chip in widget is on the top right hand side of my page here....
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Monday, August 6, 2012

Well that Kinda Sucked.

There is really no better way to word it. The last 24.......48.....72 hours have sucked. Since the last post I have been on an emotional roller coaster. My OB decided to wait until he drew blood today to see what my levels were before doing anything {this was completely fine with me as I didn't really want to have to make the decision on what to do, just let it work itself out and hopefully God would show we which direction I should take}. Well, he did.

Friday ended with a little bit of bleeding but by that point I really wasn't phased by blood since I had such a bad bleed on Wednesday.

It stopped and by Saturday I had a wee bit of hope maybe everything would be fine even though the ultrasound tech thought we were dealing with a blighted ovum, I guess that is what I get for turning to Mr. Google and actually finding that ray of hope. Anyway........Around 4:30 Saturday evening while watching Pretty Little Liars (my newest vice on Netflix since I ran out of Felicity episodes) I started to get a little crampy. I went to the bathroom and low and behold there was blood. Again, not so much of a freak out moment since I have seen so much since Wednesday. The minor cramping stopped but the blood did not. It continued while out celebrating family birthday's at O'Charley's and even went well into the night. At one point in the wee hours of morning I debated waking my sleeping husband to take me to the ER because I was going through a pad an hour, but the thing that got me was My last miscarriage was VERY painful.

By morning the bleeding had slowed way down but I was exhausted. I think between being up between 130-330 am monitoring the situation and all the blood that I lost I was whooped. I lounged on the couch all day after going back to bed at 830 am and sleeping till 1145.

Fast Forward to this morning. I started bleeding again but I kinda chalked it up to my progesterone suppositories {it seemed to correlate in my brain}. My blood draw was at noon. Then I came home and waited for the ominous phone call. When they didn't call by 345 I called them. I spoke with my doctors nurse who relayed the message to him. She called me back about 45 minutes later with the news that my HcG was now at 400, down from 2800 last Wednesday. Obviously not the news that I WANTED to hear but it was news that I pretty much knew I was gonna hear. We had a couple minute conversation in which I asked her to check with my doctor to see about an appointment to talk about where we go from here. Two miscarriages in 6 months is not exactly a great track record. I am thinking we should talk to someone and start with blood work before we try again. I seem to not have a problem getting pregnant its the staying pregnant that is my issue.

To top it off, today marks 8 months since our sweet Keegan took his last earthly breath. When it pours.

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Friday, August 3, 2012

Wishing Things Were Different

I trust God. Let me make that clear. I trust him in his infinite wisdom and in his impeccable timing. This doesn't mean however I don't wish things were different or temporarily disagree. You see here Ry and I are in another terrible situation.

We have been trying for another baby since our last miscarriage in March. Well, not right after as I had to wait a month or two, maybe three to try again after my D&C. We ended up finding out we were expecting the day after my birthday (July 14th). We were hosting a murder mystery party at our house and before I took any sips of alcholic beverages I wanted to be sure I wasn't putting an embryo in danger. Well, needless to say I didn't drink that night.

I called my OB bright and early Monday morning to report the positive test. He had me come in for my hormone draw the next day around noon. Blood came back at HCg of 29 and progesterone was 7. This sent alarms off inside me, my progesterone should have been AT THE LEAST 15. He decided to draw the levels again in  48 hours. On Thursday my HCg was 57 (for those of you that don't know, doubling time of about 48 hours is ideal)-i was just one number shy of double which my OB was happy about. That evening he called me in progesterone, since it looked like my pregnancy was progressing in the right direction he wanted to try to avoid an miscarriage due to low progesterone. So that night I started progesterone suppositories. They are about as fun as they sound plus some, look it up if you really want to know.

Fast Forward a week to Thursday July 27th. I had blood drawn again. When the doctor's nurse called he said the levels were "normal" and he wanted an ultrasound on Friday August 3rd to check on the baby and make sure everything was okay.

On Wednesday August 1st I was down on our main floor getting ready for all the babysitting kiddos when I felt something. I went to the bathroom and I had already bled through my panties and pants. I ran out to get Ry who was getting in his car to head to work and told him to wait, I may need to head to the hospital. Within a couple of hours I was at the women's ER being evaluated. They did a urine test, blood work and an ultrasound. When my OB made it down to the ER where I was he said my HCg was up to 2800 from 7-forty something (he gave me the exact number-don't remember it now) and said the radiologist that read my ultrasound said the gestation sac was low. He commented there could have been a couple of different reasons for the blood loss but he was leaning toward miscarriage. We left there not really knowing which way this was going to go, healthy pregnancy and baby or loosing the baby.

I went for my scheduled ultrasound this morning, not expecting much since the ultrasound just 48 hours ago didn't show much. As I was sitting there watching the screen in front of me I knew. I knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy and I was in the same position as I was back in March except my current bleeding has stopped. I am currently sitting in my living room, feet propped up watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix waiting for my OB's office to call. Drugs, Surgery,'s all so much to think about and ponder over. I know my body, I know how it reacts in these situations and it frightens me to "let it take a natural coarse". I tend to clot-A LOT-like huge chicken breast or larger clots hurt when expelled. Part of me would rather just have the D&D and get it over with instead of drawing the process out. I am going to sit here and pray about my options until something is clear.

I wish things were different but I trust in HIS timing, not mine.

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