Monday, August 13, 2012

The Time Has Come

To say its been a hard weekend would be an extreme understatement. I have had one of the worst weekends of my life. I am not sure exactly what "tipped it off" but I know it started Friday night...and is still lingering. I'll get to details in a minute but before that I will let you know that I have NEVER thought about taking my life or doing anything to harm others. This is purely about my mental state. PERIOD.

Like I said I am not sure how this snowball formed but the avalanche that ensued was terrifying. I say it was terrifying is because my faith has become involved.....I'm not even really sure how that happened. I remember laying on the couch staring at the pictures that adorn the main wall in our living room.  Tears started coming for my baby that can't be hugged, cuddled or kissed. I miss this child more than words can ever convey. I started to pray but no sooner than I started praying than I started to question the very act.

{Let me explain my faith a little here}

I have always believed that Keegan was chosen for us and that we were chosen for Keegan. God had an ultimate plan and we were part of it. I believed prayer could change things and miracles could be performed. After all there are many accounts in the bible about God healing people on death's doorstep. I have always prayed for other people, my family and those in need of prayer or God's touch.

So I was laying on the couch and all of a sudden I began to question prayer. We had thousands of people praying for clean scans, remission, and OUR miracle....but that NEVER happened. So Friday night.... fear began to engulf me.....I think Satan was trying very hard to invade my heart. I really do. The  negativity toward prayer and the lack of results because of it spiraled out of control. The questioning of prayer turned into a question of faith and how a loving almighty God can put people through the ringer like Ryan and I have been through. How a loving God can let children get cancer and die EVERY.SINGLE.DAY! I don't understand.

Once these thoughts started to happen then didn't stop {That is how I know it was Satan} was relentless.

Saturday I seemed to be okay. I stayed busy all morning running errands, painting the bedroom, and doing general cleaning. We relaxed all afternoon and then went out for sushi with some good friends and came back to our house to play games and enjoy some spiced rum I got as a birthday gift from said friends.

To say I was uninterested in church Sunday would be spot on. I felt terrible for the thoughts I had Friday night but I had decided that I needed to step away from our kids ministry in which I taught 4th and 5th grade girls. I felt that since I was having such a "crisis of faith" and having a hard time believing the word of God and everything I have ever learned in church how can I teach young girls these things. I talked to our pastor's wife who agreed with me and understood where I was coming from. After loosing your only child in which they were sick 94% of their young life and then go on to have 2 miscarriages in 6 moths its hard to keep a "everything happens for a reason" mentality. I then spoke with another pastor's wife who shed tears with me and agreed it was probably for the best for now. I am already trained and back round checked so whenever I am ready to come back, they will be ready to have me.

Sunday went from okay straight down hill. By the end of the message at church yesterday I had such a bad headache all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Which is exactly what I did. The bad thoughts and utter depression came back yesterday evening, again not sure what triggered it. I found myself sitting at my computer looking at pictures longing for my little boy only to find empty arms and an empty house (minus Ry of coarse).

It was then and there that I put a status update out there on my personal facebook page for a recommendation of Social Workers or Therapists. I got lots of recommendations ::thank you for that::. I have found one whom I hope works but if she doesn't I will move on and find another. This gives me hope.

I tried to talk to a therapist after Ryan's mother passed away from breast cancer in '08. At the time it was my first experience with watching someone pass and I needed desperately to talk about it. The person I chose was terrible and put a bad taste in my mouth for the whole thing.

So Wednesday at 7pm I go for some help because lets face it...  the time has come. I am broken and need to be fixed. I know it wont be quick OR easy but I do know that for my health this needs to be done.  I know there will be lots of tears shed and memories drudged up but this is what is best......I know it is. In the meantime I am going to start a devotional in hopes that I don't stray to far from my faith as I know that ultimately its my lifeline.

{I am being open and honest in this post, please do not bad mouth me or my struggle. It is very personal but I wanted to share where I am at. Its a bad place, I realize this and that is why I am going to talk to our pastor and a therapist}

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  1. It sounds like you are on the right path Beth. You know what's best for you. I, in no way, can begin to know the hurt that you feel. However, I have seen many a therapist in the past and they have always seemed to help get me back on track. Stay strong. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Let me know if you need anything.

  2. Praying for you daily! If you need someone to pray with you or for you don't hesitate to contact me!!! I would be more than glad to help you in any way that I can!!! Love you and sending prayers your way!

  3. Beth, we continue to lift you and your family up in our prayers. We pray that God will give you strength and peace. You are one awesome, strong Lady. Blessings to you!

  4. I M praying for u Beth....I can understand all u are saying and I hope with the help of the pastors and theripist that things get better for u....I love u and will be here a praying for u

  5. I M praying for u Beth....I can understand all u are saying and I hope with the help of the pastors and theripist that things get better for u....I love u and will be here a praying for u

  6. Beth, I'm continuing to pray for you and believe in you!

  7. Beth my heart aches for you. As a fellow mother I know how heart wrenching it is to see your baby sick and in pain and not be able to do anything to help them. I have not lost any of my children but I came close to losing 2 of them due to two separate accents. Our faith is tested daily some more than others. I can't imagine why anyone should be forced to endure as much as you, Ryan, and Keegan have been forced to, but I can say this, you are a strong amazing mother and God has a plan for you, these road blocks are only temporary keep strong in your faith and believe that God has this! Don't let satan have the satisfaction of turning you away from God. When it is time he will let you know, in the mean time, keep praying and let God do the prayers are with you and Ryan, God bless.

  8. Beth, you have been through the worst possible kind of pain and loss, and I hope it helps you to go to a therapist. I think a good one can help you work through it all. I think it is only natural and human to question it all after everything you have been through. You are not weak to feel a crises of faith, you are human. Pray for guidance, pray for the strength to keep praying and believing. Take care of yourself.

  9. There are no words. Hang in there and I will pray that you find the help you need to work through this.

  10. You are an amazing women to let the world no what you are going threw .i commend you 4speaking about what you are going threw stay strong girl xo Emma from New Zealand

  11. Hi Beth,
    Thank you for being so raw and open. You know I am always praying for you.

    It seems to me like you are on the path to healing. We need to be completed and utterly broken, coming to a place of total emptiness in order for God to work with us. God is Creator of all and we cannot command Him and sometimes we believe in Him only because we recieve things. I have been totally broken and in a place of sheer loss. Not the se as you, but in a situation that could only speek to me. All people become broken at one point in their life. Some turn to God for answers and some become bitter and turn away fromHim. Keep asking and searching out the why's He will answer and grow you in ways that will totally amaze you.

    When you are ready, I ask that you would read Job. Before reading, ask God to open your mind and show you what He wants you to see while reading. Job has really helped me understand God in a light that I hadn't seen before. A picture of an almighty, Holy God who truly knows what is best for us. A able who doesn't spare suffering because He knows where He is taking us and knows a better out come that we cannot see some times.

    I'm praying and praying for you Beth.

  12. You say that you are broken, but I want you to know that's simply not true. You are a grieving mother. There is no more difficult place to be in the world. Your heart may feel broken, but YOU Beth, YOU are a strong and amazing person. I'm praying you find the help you need to work through your feelings-- honest, raw, and totally and completely normal feelings for what you have been through. Lots of love to you.


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