What I need

Well, a lot has happened since the last post. I am going to try to give you a run through as to decisions that have been made and progress ::Yes you read that right, Progress::!

I went to see a therapist last Wednesday. This was the best decision HANDS.DOWN! After putting a status up on facebook, as mentioned in the last post, I looked into all of them and what they had to offer. One of my friends talked about her therapist a few weeks back and since I know she doesn't get on facebook all that often I shot her a text and asked her the name of the person she sees. I knew she loved her and helped her tremendously so I decided to give her a shot. Lots of people had great suggestions but something was pulling me toward my friends therapist and I went with it.

I showed up a few minutes before our session was supposed to start. When I emailed her the previous Monday I gave her a tensy blip into why I needed to see her, point blank, my 2 year old passed away from Brain Cancer in December. So I showed up and within five minutes or so I was sitting in her office really unsure of how this would go ::remember I have a previous bad experience with a therapist and was "tainted".     We started talking and within minutes I was crying and spilling some of my deepest darkest fears, worries, and stressors.

Through our 2 hour session she took lots of notes, she cried with me, and also told me that she can help me! She told me I have depression (which I knew), anxiety (which I kinda knew), and PTSD (which shocked me a little). I told her about the flashbacks, which I mention a few posts back, and described how vivid and terrifying they can be. She told me that was indeed a flashback like some of the solider that come back from war have. We talked about some of the ones that have been the most vivid. She said she can definitely help me with the flashbacks and they may take a few sessions to get under control. In the meantime I am to keep a "journal" of the flashbacks(what they are, how I felt, details, etc.)

We talked about a lot of things and she made me feel more normal that I ever thought I would but more than anything she is giving me hope that I am NOT as broken as I think I am. I started taking a whole Celexa every other night instead of half and that has helped the empty helpless feeling. I know this is going to be a lot of work. I have 2 years, 2 months, 12 hours and 5 minutes worth of memories nevermind all the other issues from my past.

We also discussed my want/need to have children. I told her about both miscarriages and my fear there is something wrong. She told me she didn't think I should get pregnant again before I am in a little better shape, mentally speaking. After I realized how long we had been chatting and fearing I was racking up a ginormous  bill, I scheduled my next session, she gave me hug, and I walked out of there with my shoulders held a littler higher....they seemed not quite as heavy as when I went in.

That night when I got home Ry and I started talking about postponing the having kids thing until I was a little better off depression/anxiety wise. He asked me about the pill which I had discussed with him shortly after I discovered we were miscarrying this past time. So the next day I called my OB's office. They informed me that before he would give me a script he wanted my HCG levels checked to make sure I passed all the tissue and I was no longer pregnant.

Sooooo Friday at noon I had my levels drawn. I should have known how torturous just walking into The Women's Hospital would be. To say I hate that place right now would be spot on.....I walked in trying not to look around to see all the pregnant ladies or brand new babies. If I was still pregnant with the first baby of the year  I would have been due at the beginning of November so I would be getting close and probably huge! Any who So I got the blood drawn and got home as soon as possible. I can honestly say if I don't go back there again until my annual in January I will be better off!

Today my doctors nurse called me to tell my the test came back negative and that he is okay with me going back on the pill. When I asked her about seeing the Reproductive Endocrinologist to do testing she had to go back and re-ask him. He said that he is okay with us trying one more time on our own without any testing but suggested waiting 2-3 cycles. When she informed him I was going on the pill he thought that would be a good idea. The plan is stay on the pill through the end of December/Beginning of January and then go off in time for my annual at the end of January.

So, while I want to be pregnant and have a child to love sooner than later I know that waiting is for the best. While it kills me to watch all these people announce their happy healthy pregnancies on the inter-webs I have to tell myself that I will have that someday in the future.  Right now is not the time for us, as evidenced by my body and its willingness to cooperate. Plus it gives me time to grieve....with all the big anniversaries and dates coming up this fall I can grieve and not have to worry.

So while its not what I want right now, its really what I need.