One Month.

A mere month ago today, Keegan's temperature was rising as I was trying to battle it with Tylenol. He was dieing before our eyes and we were in shock of what was unfolding.

As I am maneuvered through the last month of my life I have felt like I am in the shade of the mountain sometimes stumbling into the valley. The valley can be a very ugly ugly place and the smallest of things can make me stumble back. But then I can luckily pull my proverbial boot straps back up, with my wonderful husband and family's help, and go on for another hour or day. I know; I know, it's only been a month and I should expect this and people wouldn't be surprised if I was worse. Worse seems to be a place a lot of people in my situation tend to reside.

I strive to be better than worse not just for myself or Ryan but for Keegan. I know how cliche' that sounds, makes me kinda want to gag, but honestly I strive for better because of how Keegan showed me how to live my life. Even though he was always in pain, always a little "off", and unable to experience things like running and standing he still had a smile on his face because that is all he knew. So I go on, I put a smile on my face because that is all I know how to do to honor my son. He may have only grown to be 2 years old but he has taught me more about life and how to live than I EVER thought imaginable.

A week ago at 5:45am tomorrow Keegan went to heaven. He left his human body behind. He left a body that  always failed him and that never gave him a break. A week ago part of my heart left.

What is Love?

I am "moonlighting" over at Love is Everywhere. Check out my post, check out Katie's wonderfully inspiring, upbeat blog. You won't regret it I promise, leave her some love-you know you want to!

11 Things about '11 that I am excited about!

This year, instead of a post like Last Year's; which was neither sad or happy, it just was, I want to focus on the things we are looking forward to most in 2011. While 2010 was one (for the lack of a better word) HELL of a year we are hoping to put that behind us and leave it a distant memory. So with no further adue our list.

Top 11 Things for '11

11. Visting more family out of town

10. Play dates with friends when he can actually leave the house

9. Weight loss before getting pregnant (see #3)

8. Finishing my schooling and getting a medical transcription job to work from home

7. Keegan walking and Talking-although first we have to crawl

6. Less trips to Riley and more trips to fun places like the zoo

5. A neice or nephew to grow up with Kee

4. Starting my crafting business-Kee to My Creations

3. Baby #2 being conceived

2. Trip to Florida with our Family

1. Health and Remission

So here out with the old and in with the new. While this year has proved to be one of hardest of all of our lives, I think it has made us the people we are destined to become. It hasn't been easy and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy but it is what it is, here is to praying 2011 proves to be healther, happier, and easier than 2010 was!

Found this quote and I think it is perfect for our New Year's Montra:

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.- Albert Einstein

With Love!



Merry Christmas!

This year I am exceptionally Merry. I can't tell you that in the past I have been the same. It has been years since I have felt the Christmas spirit, and I can tell you EXACTLY why this year is different. We get to celebrate our Christmas AT HOME with our family, as a family, and Keegan is here.

I started my shopping rather earlier than I ever do. There are probably a few factors for that, one being we didn't know when we would be "home" from the hospital and for how long. Also because I needed to budget what and how I was going to spend my "allotted" amount. I was also stuck in the hospital with Keegan for 6 weeks straight then two weeks at RMH with nothing to do but watch TV and cruise the Internet. So I think it was around July or so I started picking things up. First it was a T-shirt here or a mug there. I found GREAT photo deals on Snapfish, shutterfly and Vista Print and also free samples from some of my favorite blogs that came in handy for stocking stuffers. I have definitely learned how to be thrifty this year.

With that said, since I started so early I also got done exceptionally early which has really given me a chance to not stress about the gifts and getting them shipped to our families but concentrate on what Christmas is all about and enjoy being home with my husband, son, mom and sisters (and my brother in law too of coarse).

I found a great website called freecycle.com. Evansville happens to have one and I have begun giving away things left over from our charity yard sale to people that could and need this stuff. I found a lady collecting for our Rescue Mission (its a homeless shelter for men). I found all the coats I could, Ry cleaned out his closet, I gave all our million hospital pillows we took home, spare blankets we had accumulated, and I cleaned out our pantry so these gentlemen would have some food. It was amazing to be able to give things that we no longer had use for to people that really needed it. This is the email I got from the worker lady that picked the stuff up on Wednesday:

Thank you so much for all the goodies.   Several pillows and blankets, 3 coats, and a few other things all went out in the first few minutes we were open!   The people were so thankful to get the pillows and blankets.  And the coats will definitely keep some of them warm!   The food will come in handy for the food baskets we give to those in need. 

Folks like you are a blessing and allow us to do what we do.  Please thank your husband and friends for the donations also.  God bless you all.  Have a wonderful Christmas and a healthy new year.   You have certainly carried out the true meaning of Christmas with your donations.

If we can be of any help to you, please let us know. 
 I in no means did this to get recognition, I just wanted to share how good it felt to help others in need. Last year my family had decided that instead of buying for one another which can, and for some reason always get out of control, that we would adopt a family. Well we threw that idea out the window when Keegan got sick because well, quite frankly we have had the year from hell and we thought we deserved to have a good Christmas. But I think God, Santa, Jesus, or the Great Divine thought otherwise.

I came across this post that a friend shared on facebook and just knew I had to help. I read the post and contacted Jenny immediately. God had meant for me to read this post and donate b/c within hours I got a donation on our blog for almost the same exact amount that I donated to a mother of 4 children who works at the waffle house for three dollars and something cents an hour. The children's father hasn't been around and she gets no support from him. She wasn't sure how she was going to do Christmas until this post came up. I sent her a Wal Mart gift card overnight for her to spend so the boys would have a Christmas. I feel fortunate that so many people have helped us this year that I just had to do something. Does this make me a saint? Hell no. Does it make me a better person? No, but it did warm my heart in knowing that I helped someone who otherwise would have had to explain to her children ranging in age from 11 down to 5 why Santa didn't come this year. No this doesn't make me better than you or my next door neighbor, it was just something I felt compelled to do and so proud to be a part of. Jenny was actually on Canadian TV yesterday talking about how huge this thing turned out to be. You can check it out on her site.

So with all these things: Keegan being home, families being helped, a roof over our head, and thousands of people around this great country that love and care for Keegan as much as we do-Merry Christmas! It has been one heck of a ride this year and we are so glad we get to celebrate together with food, drink and family!

May you and yours be as blessed and may you have a Merry Christmas filled with Love,

Things I Have Realized in the Last Two Weeks.....

This is a list, compiled by moi, of things deep and not so deep that have come to me in the last two weeks we have been in the hospital (list form of coarse, its always easier):

1. This is a tough round of chemo (duh, Beth right?!?!) No I mean really-the mucositis, the vomiting and diarrhea is all so much worse this time.
2. Keegan is on the upswing of things (we think he peaked on Saturday for the worst possible day yet), that or the continuous dose of Dialaudid is finally right and he is comfortable-either way, the days are much nicer!
3. Keegan sleeps ALOT when he system is on the rebound he has pretty much been sleeping almost for 24 hours now.
4. I have scene this campus (IUPUI/Riley) in Spring, Summer, Fall and getting ready to see the winter version-how sad is that? I realized this while walking back over to the hospital from RMH and looking down this beautiful corridor between the parking garage and the outpatient center and almost half the trees have no leaves ::insert pouty face::
5. I am REALLY looking forward to Christmas this year, not really sure why-I haven't been like this since I was a kid but for some reason this year is extra special and I feel like going all out even though we don't have the money (so I won't don't worry)
6. We have to buy a new tree. Because of Keegan's transplant we can not put the old one up because it previously (before last year) was stored in its original box complete with water damage from one of the basement floods thus causing molding to the box and thus probably causing mold spores on the tree even though we cant see it. So new tree it is.
7. I am in love with all things sweet. There.I.said.it! I can't get enough. I go to the grocery trying to get food that I can "live on" during the week while mom, Ryan and family are at home and I am here alone with Kee. It never seems to fail, I come back with cookies, pastries, chips, soda and other very bad things-comfort food, maybe......
8. I am WAY WAY WAY overweight and out of shape and its depressing. After Keegan was born I planned to get back on the treadmill as soon as the doctor would allow, well; Then all his health issues kept creeping to the surface and I kept pushing it back and pushing it back. I need to get healthy, for me and for my families sake. At this point it has to wait until we are released from Riley and home, this place is not conducive for a diet and/or exercise.
9. I loathe the Ronald McDonald House. I hate setting foot in that place. To me (and this is my opinion and my opinion only and not about other Ronald McDonald houses worldwide) its dirty, dark, depressing and most if not all of the volunteers are not very nice. I have had a women (I think the same one) on more than one occasion be RUDE beyond words. Our bedroom is gross, there is a HUGE stain of who knows what in the middle of the floor between the 2 beds and the shower never completely drains while you are in it showering.
10. I LOVE my husband. I always knew that I loved him, but being separated for half the week really makes me miss him and spending quality time with him. He is my best friend and soul mate. It aches my heart on Sunday afternoon when he drives 3 hours home so he can work part of the week only to provide for his family-I know that if he could he would be here with us 24/7-I am positive of that-I LOVE YOU RY!
11. 5 flights of stairs is a LONG way to go up when you are out of shape see #7 & #8.
12. There are so many wonderful and caring people throughout this great country that care for Keegan. I have been receiving cards on a daily basis from people far and wide. They give me hope, they give me strength, and help me feel like we are NOT in this fight alone; god has given us lots of people to turn to.
13. The nurses over her on the Stem Cell side are beyond WONDERFUL. In fact I really enjoy the ones I have gotten to know and would consider them friends. That is a good feeling.
14. I know who my trues friends are, whether that be IRL or the inter webs, you know who you are and you matter to me!!!
15. My sister needs a good guy, again my heart aches for her to find her soul mate. I hate that she has to go through guy after guy only to find they are either full of themselves or not mature enough to handle a real relationship (by any means). I have really liked the guys she has dated, but I hope she finds Mr. Right, she deserves it!
16. Although its tough to find the time to blog, I LOVE it, it helps me vent, and gives you guys a peek into our life!
17. Keegan hates to have his mouth suctioned. He pushes the wand away everysingletime I get it close. Buddy this stuff is better out than in-PROMISE!

Thanks for bearing with me!
I think today is a good day!
B

My letter to Keegan

Dear Bubby Kee:

Tonight, as we sit in our "home away from home", at the CandleWood suites, I am relishing in the last couple of hours of a happy, not sickly baby. I only say this because I am afraid of what is to come. I know how crappy you felt with your "regular" regimen and now we are going and kicking it up a notch. I know what is to come, the vomiting, the crankiness, the sleeping all.day, then the transplant. I have NO earthly idea what to expect after that. They tell me you are going to smell kinda funky for 24-48 hours-this should be interesting. The doctor says you could get sick, very sick, although we hope we avoid this.We are essentially rebuilding your immune system since we are wiping it down to 0.  

Tonight as you lay here between Daddy and I in the King size bed, I am going to try to remember your smell, because we all know that once we enter the hospital you get this odd medical/sterile/chemical smell. I am going to try to remember your giggle, your energy, and how you want and need to TOUCH everything. I know this all sounds terrible and sad, but its weird how life changes once we enter the hospital. Its like life for us just stands still.    

Two months is a very long time. Two months is how long we are going to be living in Indy whether that be in the hospital or for the 2 weeks after you are released at the Ronald McDonald house. Two months brings us to the end of November; most likely the beginning of December. This is a long time for us to be away from our home. Our home with the beds we love, the doggies we love and our family. While they will visit us on days off and weekends it's not the same. Its you and me kid, Daddy is going to try to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and come up either Wednesday night or Thursday morning. This leaves us alone about half the week. I am going to do my best to be strong and be the best mommy I can be! I can guarantee you that!

I know its going to be physically hard on you but this is very emotionally hard on me. I am not going to lie. To watch you go through what you are going to go through is hard enough but then having to deal with being away from home, sleeping in an odd place and trying to "relax" and "rest" is hard. I worry about you. I worry if when you spike that temp, that we know will happen, what is it from? What are they gonna do to find out what is going on in your little body? I love you Keegan, and I know as hard as this is on me it is even more on you. You are the one injected with "poison", you are the one that is delayed when it comes to your gross motor skills and just when we are making MAJOR process I know it frustrates you that we are more than likely going totake a few steps back. I know you are going to have good days and bad. I hope its we have way more good days than bad and before we know it we are on our way home!

I look forward to getting you "free" and heading home to be on isolation for 6 months to a year; at least we will be in our own home! I look forward to getting my Keegan back and healthy! I look forward to your hair growing back!!! I am so excited to see what color and/or texture it will turn out! I am excited to go on our beach vacation next summer and see how you react to sun, sand and water! OHHH and that reminds me I look forward to your central line being removed as well as your g-tube! How could I forget that! You will be able to take a REAL bath which you haven't been able to take since May and you used to LOVE them.  When I look back over this paragraph this is what I am going to put my focus into, instead of being sad and depressed that we are in this crappy situation, think of all the good that is to come!

Tomorrow is a big day for us all! Mommy and Daddy as well as many many many people near and far that love you!  Remember that as you continue to fight, we are all behind you! Go Team Keegan!

Some of our Littlest Team Keegan fans!

Ethan & Vincent

With that Baby Kee, I say goodnight!
Love,
Mommy