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A mere month ago today, Keegan's temperature was rising as I was trying to battle it with Tylenol. He was dieing before our eyes and we were in shock of what was unfolding.
As I am maneuvered through the last month of my life I have felt like I am in the shade of the mountain sometimes stumbling into the valley. The valley can be a very ugly ugly place and the smallest of things can make me stumble back. But then I can luckily pull my proverbial boot straps back up, with my wonderful husband and family's help, and go on for another hour or day. I know; I know, it's only been a month and I should expect this and people wouldn't be surprised if I was worse. Worse seems to be a place a lot of people in my situation tend to reside.
I strive to be better than worse not just for myself or Ryan but for Keegan. I know how cliche' that sounds, makes me kinda want to gag, but honestly I strive for better because of how Keegan showed me how to live my life. Even though he was always in pain, always a little "off", and unable to experience things like running and standing he still had a smile on his face because that is all he knew. So I go on, I put a smile on my face because that is all I know how to do to honor my son. He may have only grown to be 2 years old but he has taught me more about life and how to live than I EVER thought imaginable.
A week ago at 5:45am tomorrow Keegan went to heaven. He left his human body behind. He left a body that always failed him and that never gave him a break. A week ago part of my heart left.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
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You never cease to amaze me with your strength and your way with words, Beth. I love you!
ReplyDeleteand one day...some day...your heart will be whole again when your family is together in heaven....
ReplyDeleteyou are always always always in my heart and prayers.
hard to believe it has been a month... i wish you continued strength through this journey that no mother or father should go through...
ReplyDeleteBeth,
ReplyDeleteI am praying for and Ryan often. Keegan has taught a lot of people. I have learned how to pray in a whole new way. A deep, prayer that I know the Holy Spirit took my moaning and changed them into words. I am a better prayer warrior because of Keegan.
Lifting you up to God often.
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You are such a strong momma. Keegan might have only lived 2 years but as you said he lived them better and stronger than most live 80 years. God bless
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your husband to continue to find peace and strength through this trying time in your lives. May God show you how great Keegan is doing in Heaven in some way. May you both feel His comfort!
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family. I could not even imagine what it must be like, there are no words. I pray that God gives you comfort in knowing your precious little boy is having the time of his life in a perfectly healthy little body!
ReplyDeleteKeegan may have left the body that was always failing him, but now he is full of life with the Lord! He is just starting his new life with no pain full of happiness. You are in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteBeth, I hope that you and your family take comfort in knowing that there are countless people - including ones who have never met you - who are praying for you and asking God to continue to give you comfort. I've only followed your blog a short time, but it has taught me to value every moment with my son and count my blessings. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers during these tough times.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad life is still going for ya. Your smile is definitely making Keegan smile where ever he is today. He would be so proud of you for how strong you're being today. Keep up the fight but hope you allow yourself to break down from time to time, too.
ReplyDelete