Wednesday, January 18, 2012

6 weeks....Seems like FOREVER

Today marked the 6th full week since my baby boy went to heaven. Six weeks, a month and a half, or 42 days.  It doesn't matter how you put it, its been too long for my liking since I last held him or saw his beautiful blue eyes open. I doesn't feel like 6 weeks to me, it already feels like a lifetime. People that loose other people in their lives always talk about how they are afraid they are going to forget "stuff". I feel the same way. What if I forget his laugh, his sweet sweet personality or the way he patted you on the back when you picked him up......its things like this that bring me to my knees.

As I put on my facebook and twitter status the other day "sometimes the grief is so much I can breathe". Up until the other day I felt like I was doing okay, like I was in a good place. I know Keegan is in Heaven free of pain and running around like a normal 2 year old, but my heart breaks in a different way each and every day. I am friends with lots of people on facebook that are in very similar and very tragic stories. One of them Mrs. Linca was asked by a friend to describe what it was like to loose a child to cancer. These are her words and I could not say them any better than she:

 I told her for me it was like getting into a horrible car accident and your child dies, and you are left with every bone in your body broken. You can't breathe without it hurting. You don't want to get up, you don't want to move, every step in your life aches with the agony and pain of your child being gone, there is no pain medication that can ease the torture, there is no moment in your life where you aren't thinking about what you did wrong, that this is somehow your fault, that you are being punished, that you missed some vital clue that caused their death, that maybe its your genetics, that maybe you fed them something that caused the cancer to come in the first place, that maybe you chose the wrong doctors, hospitals, why did this child have to die, you comb thru your life trying to answer the infernal question ...why why why?? Then then the rest of your life, you are permanently disfigured, forever crippled and weak... but nobody can see it. Its your own internal nightmare.

I don't want cancer to keep winning! I think its about time for some sort of support group. I can hardly look at pictures or think of memories without breaking down. I know, most of you will say that is "normal", but goodness it's really no way to live. I want to talk about him without getting that lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I want to tell great stories about us and our adventures but I can't, right now it's too much.

Our house is on the market we are in the process of purchasing a new one for a "fresh start" and I have put off an open house for this coming Sunday because I am in no way, shape, or form ready to clean up his room. I don't know why either, he stayed in our room 97% of his life. We did move his crib back into his room a few weeks ago which is still filled with his favorite books, his blanket and other meaningful items. The floor and full sized bed are scattered with his favorite toys like his stage, his top 5 favorite books that we would read over and over and over again till we all had them memorized, the Little Tikes Piano he banged on since one of our hospital stays at Riley and his Little Tikes rocking chair/police cruiser. I just can't do it.

I picked Ry up from the airport last week. He had been gone for about a week and half. I picked him up late, sometime around 8:30 or so. I got very upset and ultimately cried when I realized it should have been our small little family reunited after a week and half. Two parents and a child whom they love more than anything on this earth, but it wasn't. It was me, all by myself picking up my husband. It's the "what should be's" and the "He should be with us for this" that give me the hardest time. I don't think that will ever pass. 

Ryan and I at Keegan's celebration of Life (Keegan's slideshow in the background).


  1. I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through. Just reading this makes breaks my heart in two. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. A support group sounds like the way to go. That way, you can cry side by side with others who have gone through the same thing. I'm sure Keegan is missing you guys as much as you're missing him. I've dealt with grief in the past and I know that it's helpful to throw out the timetable and let yourself grieve for however long you need to. It is true, though, that it would be nice not to hurt that much, which is where the support group maybe comes in. Hope you find one soon. Know that there are so many people who are thinking about you guys and have you guys in their included.

  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't been reading many blogs lately with the holidays and all so I missed that Keegan had died. You guys were fighting so hard that it came as a shock to read the first sentence of this post.
    Have you read this? I found it on the blog of another woman dealing with the loss of her child. I hope it will give you some of the solace that it gave me.

  4. I am so sorry. I can not heal you with my words, but please know you and your family are in my prayers. You are so right about everything you write. You know Keegan is in a great place, free from pain and having fun ALL of the time, but your humanness wants him here, with you. That is so totally understandable. You have every right to feel that way. It is still so new to you, and it will take time. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. A support group is a great idea. I think you will benefit from talking to others. Hang in there, we're all praying for you!

  5. Beth,
    I pray for you and Ryan daily, as I know others are too. I agree that a support group would really help you grieve and having others around you that are going through the same feelings is beneficial because they may have advice that will help you and you them.

    I am following a blog of a mom who lost her 12 year old son in a flash flood this past September, and she says that talking and blogging about her pain and loss really help. I will pass on her blog address to you if you are interested...

    No words will ever heal the empty spot that is inside of you, only God can do that. Keegan will always be a part of you and Ryan, nothing will ever change that.

    Praying and praying for you often,

  6. I can't imagine what your going through at the moment. What I can do though is offer my support in prayer. You will always have a big hole in your heart but God will mend that hole over time!

  7. I'm an almost religious reader of BA's blog and saw your comment, which led me here. My heart breaks for you and your husband. My brother passed away 11 years ago from a two year long battle with leukemia; he was 18. I can absolutely empathize with your being afraid of forgetting all the "little" things about that person you won't forget, I promise. I still remember his hands, his fingernails, his voice. My parents and I still cry. I still grieve for the life he never got to live. I am living my own internal nightmare just for the sheer fact that he never got to meet my husband and my son. But we have gotten to a point where we can talk about Chip without crying, with hopefulness in our Lord and Savior.
    Reading this brought fresh tears to my eyes, but they were not unfamiliar ones. Please allow yourself to the "pitty parties". Please allow yourself to a therapist; I so wish my family had went to one. Please know that there is so much love coming from my family to yours.

  8. Beth,
    I hope that you find a support group. You and your husband should not have to go trough this on your own. I know you will always and forever have this big hole in your heart - but you will learn how to live with it. Eventually. But it will take time. And no, I cannot imagine that you will ever forget anything about Keegan - after all, he is still your son. And always will be. All the best.

  9. Beth my thoughts and prayers are with you. I will be joining the cure search walk and littel Keegan is one of the reasons I joined! Thanks for being such an inspiration.


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