Sunday, October 17, 2010

My letter to Keegan

Dear Bubby Kee:

Tonight, as we sit in our "home away from home", at the CandleWood suites, I am relishing in the last couple of hours of a happy, not sickly baby. I only say this because I am afraid of what is to come. I know how crappy you felt with your "regular" regimen and now we are going and kicking it up a notch. I know what is to come, the vomiting, the crankiness, the sleeping, then the transplant. I have NO earthly idea what to expect after that. They tell me you are going to smell kinda funky for 24-48 hours-this should be interesting. The doctor says you could get sick, very sick, although we hope we avoid this.We are essentially rebuilding your immune system since we are wiping it down to 0.  

Tonight as you lay here between Daddy and I in the King size bed, I am going to try to remember your smell, because we all know that once we enter the hospital you get this odd medical/sterile/chemical smell. I am going to try to remember your giggle, your energy, and how you want and need to TOUCH everything. I know this all sounds terrible and sad, but its weird how life changes once we enter the hospital. Its like life for us just stands still.    

Two months is a very long time. Two months is how long we are going to be living in Indy whether that be in the hospital or for the 2 weeks after you are released at the Ronald McDonald house. Two months brings us to the end of November; most likely the beginning of December. This is a long time for us to be away from our home. Our home with the beds we love, the doggies we love and our family. While they will visit us on days off and weekends it's not the same. Its you and me kid, Daddy is going to try to work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and come up either Wednesday night or Thursday morning. This leaves us alone about half the week. I am going to do my best to be strong and be the best mommy I can be! I can guarantee you that!

I know its going to be physically hard on you but this is very emotionally hard on me. I am not going to lie. To watch you go through what you are going to go through is hard enough but then having to deal with being away from home, sleeping in an odd place and trying to "relax" and "rest" is hard. I worry about you. I worry if when you spike that temp, that we know will happen, what is it from? What are they gonna do to find out what is going on in your little body? I love you Keegan, and I know as hard as this is on me it is even more on you. You are the one injected with "poison", you are the one that is delayed when it comes to your gross motor skills and just when we are making MAJOR process I know it frustrates you that we are more than likely going totake a few steps back. I know you are going to have good days and bad. I hope its we have way more good days than bad and before we know it we are on our way home!

I look forward to getting you "free" and heading home to be on isolation for 6 months to a year; at least we will be in our own home! I look forward to getting my Keegan back and healthy! I look forward to your hair growing back!!! I am so excited to see what color and/or texture it will turn out! I am excited to go on our beach vacation next summer and see how you react to sun, sand and water! OHHH and that reminds me I look forward to your central line being removed as well as your g-tube! How could I forget that! You will be able to take a REAL bath which you haven't been able to take since May and you used to LOVE them.  When I look back over this paragraph this is what I am going to put my focus into, instead of being sad and depressed that we are in this crappy situation, think of all the good that is to come!

Tomorrow is a big day for us all! Mommy and Daddy as well as many many many people near and far that love you!  Remember that as you continue to fight, we are all behind you! Go Team Keegan!

Some of our Littlest Team Keegan fans!
Ethan & Vincent

With that Baby Kee, I say goodnight!


  1. Beth- You are an amazing and awesome mom! Keegan is so blessed to have you. Stay strong! I will be thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

  2. Stay strong friend! I will come visit for sure!

  3. Beth- Us mothers do what we have to do! You will be able to do things you would not believe you could do. "All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose" is my scripture for you. Keegan was born for a purpose and we have all gained from yours and his experiences. Gather strength from your family and friends and of course from God. Love you all, The Brewster's

  4. Beth, I think about, and pray for, you and Baby Kee all of the time. I can't imagine how hard this must be to go through as a Mother. But you have to look at how far you have come thus far! You have shown such strength, hope, and love for your little guy even when things looked dim. You couldn't be a better Mother to him then you are. =)

  5. I know my son has the best mommy he could ever have and with that I have the best wife a husband could ask for. I love you sweetheart and thank God Keegan and I have you. See you soon.

  6. Bless your hearts. Hang in there, Beth, and be strong, Keegan. We are all rooting for all of you!!

  7. That is so sweet and straight from the heart. Hang in there! You have many, many people praying for baby Keegan and his family. -April


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