Proceed with Caution: Work in Progress

I'm a work in progress....Y'all know that. I've been to two therapy sessions since the last I posted {I know I must make it more of habit to get on here and let you know what's up}. I can say that the last week or so has been the best yet since Keegan has gone to heaven and I thank my wonderful therapist for that.

I love this lady guys, really. She gets me....she understands where I am coming from and helps me wade through all the crap that weighs me down on a daily basis. Basically I big puffy heart this lady x 10!

Last week she tried a form of psychotherapy called EMDR.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. "When a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, according to the founder,  it may overwhelm usual cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli of the event are inadequately processed, and are dysfunctionally stored in an isolated memory network. The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering influence and allowing patients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms."(Wikipedia, 2012, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, August 19, 2012 <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing>)

The first time we tried it my brain decided it didn't want to go there. My therapist wanted to delve into my anger associated with Keegan's life, sickness and death but my brain was not ready. I can only describe what happened as odd and very interesting once you listen to your body and what it is trying to tell you. While going through this exercise the room started to blur. Its stared with the background and slowly moved to the foreground. By the time we were done everything was blurry and I couldn't make out my therapists face. She went on to tell me that that was my brains way of telling me it wasn't ready to process anger yet.

We moved on that evening and worked on being surrounded by love and remembering good times with Keegan. I left there feeling uplifted and in awe of myself, to be quite honest.

I went into my session last night with an open mind and ready to accomplish some stuff. We talked for about an hour and then my therapist decided she wanted to work on some EMDR. In this approach its important for the patient to have a "safe place" you need to be able to feel it, see it and go there when you need a break. So last night after our "chat" we worked on that. She did the normal EMDR stuff but had me focus on my safe place and it was nothing shy of amazing.

I will share with you that my safe place included Keegan, me and my guardian angel. It was beautiful and I felt complete.  It was refreshing for me to be in this place reading Keegan a book as he was snuggled into my lap. We were embraced by my guardian angel in a three person hug, so much love surrounded us! When I knew my time in the safe place was coming to a close I said goodbye to Keegs. He hopped off my lap and left the room {if you want to call it that} hand in hand with my guardian angel.

This post may make it seem like I a little nutso, I know,  but this form of processing is really amazing. I look forward to my session next week. I can tell you from experience that I have had less "flashbacks" already. I don't find myself reliving the night before Keegan passed. I am trying to focus on happy light memories and while things do just sort of pop up I have learned to roll with it. They are flashing back for a reason.

As for my "crisis of faith" all that can be said right now is that "I'm working on it". I met with one of the pastors from church toward the end of last week. We talked about everything. My anger with God for letting this happen to MY son, MY family. We talked about why WE didn't get our prayers answered even though I had hundreds perhaps thousands praying for us. He sent me home with homework. He wanted me to read a chapter of Job every day {which I am proud to say I have}-and while it is a bit of a downer I can find passages that completely relate to! Oh and get this, because I asked him why my prayers aren't answered he gave me a very interesting way to track them. Write them down. He advised me to write down my prayers everyday/night. That way I can go back and see how God answered them and/or was working. {I will confess, I have yet to do this because I feel funny. Not sure if I should write out my entire prayer or just do a "cliffs Notes" type deal...Ill keep you updated on this}.

So while I am still a work in progress I feel already that I am making progress.