The last week has proven to be one of the darkest in our lives. As we now try to find yet another new "normal" we struggle with knowing that our time is limited.
While the first few days were exceptionally hard, they have gotten a tad bit easier. I don't think that it is "easier" to know he is going to pass but I have come to the realization that there is not a darn thing we can do about it. Making these weeks (and if we are lucky enough) months special beyond imagination is what I am striving for. That is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Every day I make it my mission to make as enjoyable a day for the lil man as possible. Whether it be staying in the house in our PJ's all day and watching Elmo or going swimming at his Aunt Abby's Apartments indoor pool. Effort is definitely made to do the things we have learned he enjoys and loves.
We have had lots of family in and out of our house since last Friday. First it was Keegan's Aunt Erica & Uncle Steve along with 2 of his many cousins. Saturday brought his maternal grandfather, and my grandparents. We have enjoyed having everyone around visiting and getting to know Keegan. We will enjoy Uncle Bret & Aunt Toni this weekend along with two more cousins. It should be a fun time. It's nice to have family around enjoying what we get to enjoy every day, the smiles, laughter and attitude (if provoked).
I know we have a lot of people praying for our family, for Keegan and for Ryan and I's marriage. We really really appreciate it. Ry and I talk daily about the when's and how's along with what we are going to do without him. I come to him with my worry that I won't be able to do this and he gently reassures me that I can. At the same time when I told him I didn't want to do this, he told me I had to, blah.
We are both convinced that Keegan was sent to earth and to us in particular for a reason. What that reason is, we are still unsure. I am not even sure that we will ever find out in our lifetime. But the fact that we were chosen as his earthly parents makes me proud. He is a one of a kind kid and I have been blessed to be his mother, for whatever amount of time that is. I wish it was later rather than sooner but God has other plans for him and our family so we just roll with it.
I pray ALOT, I pray that we get another miracle and I pray that God take away Keegan's pain. Since prayer is all I have right now then that is what we must do. I turn to God multiple times a day asking for time, healing and miracles. Its ironic that over the past month or more the sermons at church have been revolving around prayer. I have taken a lot from these sermons and just last weekend the sermon was about praying for a miracle. Needless to say it really hit home. When I questioned our Pastor's wife after church about asking for another miracle and wondering if it was selfish and greedy, she simply replied absolutely not. (for those of you unaware an MRI performed in July '10 showed the tumor came back through the worst chemo possible. They sent us home with only a couple options and when we chose radiation we proceeded to get all our ducks in a row for that. We had another MRI before radiation was to commence which showed the tumor was gone, simply not there. We then proceeded on with the regularly scheduled chemo.) So here I am a little over a year after that life changing situation asking and pleading for another miracle to save my baby. It is possible through him. I am a believer!
On a side note: I would like to give a HUGE thank you to everyone who has signed up at mealtrain.com for us. We have had people volunteer to bring us meals every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday through JANUARY. I feel beyond blessed for all the wonderful people in our lives who are willing to take an evening out of their busy lives to make us a home cooked meal. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. This means I don't have to worry about dinner at least 3 nights out of the week and we can just soak up extra Baby Keegan time!
And thank you to all the wonderful follower both here and on facebook that have given us wonderful words of encouragement and love in very very dark time. It means so much to us!
(I wanted to share some of our current family photos but the CD they are on is being funny so stay tuned for those!)