When Life Gives You Lemons....

or so I have always been told. Sometimes this feat is easier said than done.

Sometimes you would rather do this:

Its funny because I thought I was okay. I thought that I WAS making lemonade out of the lemons I we had been handed; but I was wrong, way wrong. I don't want to bore you with all the lemons that life has thrown at us in the last couple of years because, well, this post would be longer than originally intended but I will share with you my breaking point and some of the MAJOR problems.

I read a blog post about a week ago, usually no big deal, I follow a lot of blogs. I don't know all of the authors of these blogs, but after reading them for sometime you feel like you know them, they are family. I follow blogs with multiples, blogs with special needs babies, blogs for mommas that want to save money, and the list goes on. 

One blog I  follow is a mom who believes in natural birth. Fine, Great, Wonderful. She doesn't believe in Pitocin, although she has had some herself, she doesn't believe in epidurals or c-sections. She believes breastfeeding in the first few minutes of life and her rantings go on and on. After reading this post on this specific day, it's like the flood gates released. It was ALL I could think about for days. I just kept playing my whole birth experience over and over in my head; I wanted all these things, I wanted to be awake when my child took his first breath in the world, I wanted to nurse him in the first 30 minutes of life so he could get what he needed from me, I wanted all this! But unfortunately life is not perfect. I didn't choose to have pitocin, I had to be induced because if I wasn't there was a chance both Keegan and myself were in harms way, its  called Pre-Eclampsia. Once my liver enzymes started to elevate, my doctor; whom I trust with my life, felt it necessary to get us both to a safe place.
Although the epidural was an option, you try going through contractions on Pictocin without one and come back and tell me how it feels! Its hell on earth. Once they started to turn my drip up I could not wait for an epi, I went from 0-10 pain threshold within an hour, totally unnatural. When my sons head was found to be STUCK inside me and too large to come out, my doctor made the decision, upon consulting with some other doctors that Keegan was going to have to be born via c-section, not in my plan but sometimes SH*T happens! When we got into the operating room all I had was a epidural that had stopped working and according to my anesthesiologist, they didn't know why......Dr. Mann started to cut, when I replied that I could feel the scalpel cutting my skin open I was knocked out. When I came to I was in recovery with my husband and a nurse. No baby anywhere to be seen.
I didn't see my son until a couple of hours after he was born, and even then I couldn't hold him, he was down in the NICU hooked up to a bunch of machines. They rolled me in to see him on my bed so I didn't have to get up....I couldn't breastfeed within the first 30 minutes of life and my baby of all babies needed that being 6 weeks early ......
This blog post that I read, it was my breaking point. I had PPD, Post Partrum Depression. At first I didn't know which doctor I should call. My OB would have first hand experience with this but my family physician knew my medical history and some episodes of anxiety/depression from my past. I ended up calling my family doctor. When I went in to talk with him about the situation I realized that it was worse than I thought. Yea, I didn't have any energy to do laundry, clean my house, pick up the kitchen, I just thought that these were part of being a new mom; not enough hours in a day. Maybe some of them are but when you add in anxiety about your child's future medical needs, anxiety about repercussions of the uterine stroke or SGBS paired with depression about having a preemie baby who is in physical therapy once a week, it can all be very overwhelming. After seeing Dr. Inz and being put on Celexa I feel much better about the immediate future. I am not all there yet, lord knows the drugs haven't really had a chance to work  but even after the discussion I had with him I feel like I can do this......
He wants me to take 20-30 minutes every other day or so and go down to my basement and get on the treadmill, I loved working out pre baby. I felt so much better about my self and my health. I am also trying to find a good counselor to talk to, maybe someone who is familiar with traumatic births, preemie babies and/or special needs babies. I would ultimately like to find a parents group who have children with special needs. I think networking with these people would help out tremendously; never mind the fact that one day, whenever that may be and I am in a better place I can help someone else.....
Depression and anxiety can affect people differently. I am so glad I am getting the help I need so I can move forward, I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to enjoy this time with my new family. They mean more to me than the world! Here is to hoping for some relief in the weeks to come, that each day will get easier and I will learn how to manage all my fears and hopes......