Posts
There are many cliche's that are synonymous with my life right now. I don't feel like going into all those {at this point-not to say at a later date I wont want to have a pitty party where I ask you to pull up your most comfy blanket and a glass of wine-but that is later}. This is now, this is the reason I stayed up way to late last night thinking of life, my life and what it means now, after my child has passed away.
Right now, my life as I know it consists of minutes that feel like hours and hours that seems like days. My purpose is undefined and I feel like I am roaming around an empty house with an empty hole in my chest. I get up whenever I want usually after 8 roam around the house like a lost puppy pondering what to do with all the minutes of all the hours of the day. Some people would die for a schedule like this, but I can tell you that when you are used to getting up at 6:15am routinely to feed your toddler and give the 8 am medicines, you miss your "normal". What I would call the feelings of worth and purpose.
Mornings that were once filled with Occupational therapy, Elmo and "music time" are now filled with endless mind numbing hours on the computer coupled with naps and pitty parties. I stare at all his toys, I walk into his room and I contemplate doing something with it all but I can't muster the strength. I try to tell myself that is only been a little over a week since the unexplainable happened. Since our one and only son went to be with Jesus, but he defined me. I was (and will be) Keegan's Mommy until the day I die.
I guess I just have to find the new me, the new meaning in my life, the new set of regimens and schedules that will define me and make me feel whole again.
Side note: This is all not to say that my husband doesn't mean the world to me because he does and always will. I was Keegans caretaker most of the time and it is what life for me was.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Beth we know how much Ryan means to you. You don't have to justify your feelings. Please share with us these things. We're here for you... even if sometimes it's just over the computer!
ReplyDeleteMuch Love,
Joanna
i just can't imagine but i bet your feelings are normal and appropriate. hoping you find your purpose and meaning in life when God is ready... i think he wants you to have this time now to grieve... much love to you!
ReplyDeleteBeth you are such an amazing person a wonderful mother and you have been a blessing to so many in the way you have been so open with your story. I feel like there are so many lives you have yet to touch. Maybe your time eventually, when you are ready, could be spent helping other mothers who are going through the same thing. Showing them that being open and allowing others to hurt with them can be somewhat comforting knowing that their life has somehow touched someone in a way nothing has before. Help show other families who are struggling that through God and the support of their community that their childs life is a miracle hiding in the shadows of a nightmare. That is what you have done for me and so many others. I do NOT know what you are going through but nevertheless you and your family have been ANGELS in my life. I love you.
ReplyDeleteBeth you are such an amazing person a wonderful mother and you have been a blessing to so many in the way you have been so open with your story. I feel like there are so many lives you have yet to touch. Maybe your time eventually, when you are ready, could be spent helping other mothers who are going through the same thing. Showing them that being open and allowing others to hurt with them can be somewhat comforting knowing that their life has somehow touched someone in a way nothing has before. Help show other families who are struggling that through God and the support of their community that their childs life is a miracle hiding in the shadows of a nightmare. That is what you have done for me and so many others. I do NOT know what you are going through but nevertheless you and your family have been ANGELS in my life. I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. What a horrible thing to have to go through. You're right, when you become a mother, that's your whole life. I pray that you find the strength to make it through. Sending love.
ReplyDelete~Laura
Beth, there aren't many of us who can come close to comprehending what you are going through. I appreciate how open you are about what is going on in your head and heart. You are great mother, and it's a badger honor that you are known as "Keegan's Momma".
ReplyDeleteChris
Oh Beth,
ReplyDeleteThis has to be the most painful thing for a mother to ever have to go through. I totally ache for you. You need to give yourself time, time to mourn, weep and heal. Keegan will always be a part of you and you will always be Keegan's mommy, nothing will ever take that away. The pain and emptiness will ease up in time.
Praying you feel the arms of God wrapped around you as you go through your day. You have a purpose in life and since you are still here with us, God will show you what that is when your heart has healed a bit and He knows that you are ready to move forward.
Praying and praying for you often.
<><
Praying for you Beth! I hope you can feel God's love for you. His comfort is never more than a prayer away. Ask Him to help you, He will never leave you, nor forsake you.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog while following Scarlett's story. As a stay-at-home mom, I have also defined my life as a mom. My heart breaks for you and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy parents also lost a baby when they were very young. From their experience, I can assure you that God will open a new door for you and that Keegan will be with you through it all.
It's definitely important to know that you shouldn't rush yourself through this process. As hard as it is, it is so important to really feel every feeling that you come across and to really experience it. I know I shouldn't be giving you advice. You already know what's best for you. I just wish there was something more I could do to support you. Hang in there and know that you have a ton of support out there. Hope your husband is doing okay too...as "okay" as you can be at this point. =/
ReplyDelete