Sunday, December 11, 2011


I am honestly at a loss. I am not sure what to write but feel that I need to write for myself and all of you who have supported us through this rollercoaster the past year and half.

Keegan's viewing and Memorial Service were everything a mother could hope for (given the situation). We received friends, family and people Keegan touched on Thursday from 2-4 and from 5:30-8. It stayed steady with people coming in and out. We had TONS of family there which helped out tremendously and lots of co-works of Ryan, my mom and sisters.

The room was decked out in photos of Keegan through his two short years of life. We included favorite stuffed animals, toys, and his beloved kiddy lazyboy equipped with one of his favorite blankets. Photobooks both made on a photosite and just plain old albums were scattered around the room for people to view. We received so many flowers, angels, throws, and mementos I am overwhelmed. The room looked beautiful. We decided on an evergreen spray with red roses white carnations and some poinsettas to top his casket along wtih a ribbon that said Angel. Behind his casket were clusters of red, green and white balloons. We received many compliments on how wonderful the room looked.

He was dressed in a cute little vest, white button down and clip on red tie. This was not to be outdone by his favorite pair of jeans from the Children's Place (which you really couldn't see because that part of the casket was closed). He looked perfect with his favorite blankee and cookie.

On Friday we held the memorial service at our home church One Life Henderson. I along with my husband hand picked our worship songs taking deliberate thought as to which ones and what they mean to us. Here was the line up:

Welcome: Pastor Bret
Speakers: I wrote something, Abby (my sister) read a letter and my other sister Mary Ellen read a poem.
Song 1 - I Will Rise - Tomlin
Song 2 - God I look to you - Bethel Live (Jenn Johnson)
Speakers: Nurse Mandy who read a wonderful speech she put together about her time spent with him, Keegans cousin Caden who read about cancer and the fight, and Keegan's uncle Steve about what a fighter Keegan was.
Bret (main message)
Song 3 - Amazing Grace (Chains are Gone) - Tomlin
Song 4 - The Stand - Hillsong United
Elmo's World

The Memorial service was a perfect mix of rememberance and hope knowing that Keegan is resting in Heaven with his Granny and Cousin. It encorporated things he loved like worship music and a slide show that ran the entire service of pictures from the last 2 years.

After the service friends, family and supporters all filed by to say one last goodbye and express their condolences. It was hard, really hard. When all of them had left and it was just family, we took our turns saying goodbye to the good lookin boy all dressed up for his party in heaven. I went first-whispered loving words into his ear hoping he could hear me in heaven. I then stuck a note, written by me next to him in his cofffin. My husband went next, then my mom and sisters. I snuck back in and got a good kiss on his little lips before the casket was closed for good. (that is one of the hardest things I have had to do-besides physically seeing and hearing him take his last breath.)

We spent the last couple days with family that were in from out of town which semi distracted the gaping whole left in my heart and soul. As they have all now have gone I don't know what to do. We have received his death certificates and it has been 48 hrs since he passed so he should be creamated tomorrow with his cremains back in our loving hands by mid to late week. It will be nice to have him back at home although in a different form.

I won't lie, it hurts. It hurts really really bad. I broke down in church today after one of our campus pastors mentioned him in a prayer we held together after the service. It doesnt feel right. I keeping thinking he is just napping and will be waking any minute.


  1. It was a beautiful service! I will keep you all in my prayers everyday and always.

  2. Beth,
    Your strength & honesty are inspiring. It's been great getting to know you over the last 18 months. Thank you for sharing your journey with all of us. Prayers are being sent your way.

    {hugs}, Courtney

  3. I'm thinking about you daily, Beth, and sending you strength and love and smiles. Because there will be smiles, too. Promise.

  4. Oh Beth, my heart goes out to you and your family. Reading this took me back 5 years to the day we laid my nephew Dylan to rest. It's hard. It's really really hard but you are so strong & Keegans story isn't over. I pray that God comforts you and strengthens you in the days to come. Thank you for sharing.

  5. wished i had words that would help... all i can do is pray that you get comfort that he is with God and that will give you strength... and i so wish he was just napping.. :-(

  6. my heart and soul ache for you. I know there's nothing I can say to help. Just know that you are always, always, always, in my heart, on my mind and in my prayers. :(

  7. Beth, I cannot tell you how many tears i've cried for brave little Keegan, it is simply not fair that he is gone and that he suffered. I am so sorry for your loss.

  8. Goodbye Keegan, you touched many hearts! My prayers and thoughts will continue to be with you.

  9. Oh Beth my heart just aches for you. I'm so grateful that you and Keegan are a part of our lives forever.

    Much Love,


  10. Beth,
    Thank you for writing this out. I know it was hard, but thank you. This has allowed me to be part of the memorial, thank you.

    I know that pain of watching a loved one take their last few breaths, hearing and seeing. I still remember the passing of my daddy 2 years ago this month like it was just happening now.

    You are an amazing mom and Keegan is so very blessed to have been born into your family.

    I will continue to pray for you, Ryan and your family. My prayer partners and I prayed for you today. Keegan has touched them deeply and we all are mourning with you.

    Praying and praying,

  11. I am so sorry for your loss. Keegan touched so many people! My heart aches for you and your family. Keeping you close to my heart and in mu prayers! Stay strong!

  12. I am so sorry for your loss. Keegan touched so many people! My heart aches for you and your family. Keeping you close to my heart and in mu prayers! Stay strong!

  13. We are praying for you and your family during this very difficult time. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I know there isn't anything that can help you mend your broken heart. I know you know Keegan is in Heaven now. He is no longer in pain, and is free from cancer. He is so lucky to have you as his mommy. We can all see how much he is loved. Praying for you always!

  14. Oh, Beth, my heart aches for you. You and your family will be in our prayers.

  15. My heart is breaking for you. I can't even imagine how difficult a time this must be for you guys. It seems like you are trying so, so hard to keep it all together. I hope that you can find time to break down and just let it all out as well. May you find some comfort during this extremely, extremely difficult time.

  16. I am so, so very sorry. I have no words. You are in my prayers.

  17. I've followed your story a while now and I think of you often. You are strong and amazing and loved by people all over the world, and so was Keegan. I know the holidays will be hard for you this year but know that you and your family and most of all your son have made the world a more special place for being in it!

  18. Thinking of your family. Sending you all big hugs.

  19. I am so sorry for your loss<3 Best wishes to you and your family through such a difficult time.

  20. Beth,
    Praise God to both you and Ryan as you both go through such a difficult time. I am sorry that you had to let go of Keegan at such a young age, just remember he isn't in pain no more and he is up there dancing with Wanda and Hudsin and looking down on everyone else smiling at his mommy and daddy saying I love you everyday! God Bless you.

  21. I have been following your blog for over a year now and I am so sorry that you have had to deal with the loss of your sweet boy. I have no real words of advice but I admire your will and resolve during his battle, and your strength now. I also admire your faith - it is remarkable to me. Keegan is blessed to have you as his momma.

  22. my heart is heavy as I read this, my heart goes out to you and your family and everyone.

    Thinking of you!

    Shannon, Emily's mom

  23. Thank you for sharing this, and Keegan's life, with us. I can't imagine how difficult it was.

    Last week I received my registration confirmation from the National Bone Marrow Registry. Keegan was part of my inspiration to join. Thank you.

  24. you are so strong! just reading this post shows your character. every child can only hope to have a mother like you.

    the songs you chose for his memorial were beautiful. i especially love I Will Rise and My chains are gone. Wonderful choices. Jesus is holding your little boy now.

    You are in my prayers!

  25. I am so sorry for your lose! You have been in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to be. As I have been following your blog for a while now, and I thank you for allowing me to get to know what I knew about Keegan. My heart is breaking for your family! He is with the Lord now though and he is no longer in pain! I pray for you and your family!


We love feedback; however, if you have nothing nice, encouraging, uplifting or insightful to say don't say anything at all. Thank You!