I am honestly at a loss. I am not sure what to write but feel that I need to write for myself and all of you who have supported us through this rollercoaster the past year and half.
Keegan's viewing and Memorial Service were everything a mother could hope for (given the situation). We received friends, family and people Keegan touched on Thursday from 2-4 and from 5:30-8. It stayed steady with people coming in and out. We had TONS of family there which helped out tremendously and lots of co-works of Ryan, my mom and sisters.
The room was decked out in photos of Keegan through his two short years of life. We included favorite stuffed animals, toys, and his beloved kiddy lazyboy equipped with one of his favorite blankets. Photobooks both made on a photosite and just plain old albums were scattered around the room for people to view. We received so many flowers, angels, throws, and mementos I am overwhelmed. The room looked beautiful. We decided on an evergreen spray with red roses white carnations and some poinsettas to top his casket along wtih a ribbon that said Angel. Behind his casket were clusters of red, green and white balloons. We received many compliments on how wonderful the room looked.
He was dressed in a cute little vest, white button down and clip on red tie. This was not to be outdone by his favorite pair of jeans from the Children's Place (which you really couldn't see because that part of the casket was closed). He looked perfect with his favorite blankee and cookie.
On Friday we held the memorial service at our home church One Life Henderson. I along with my husband hand picked our worship songs taking deliberate thought as to which ones and what they mean to us. Here was the line up:
Welcome: Pastor Bret
Speakers: I wrote something, Abby (my sister) read a letter and my other sister Mary Ellen read a poem.
Song 1 - I Will Rise - Tomlin
Song 2 - God I look to you - Bethel Live (Jenn Johnson)
Speakers: Nurse Mandy who read a wonderful speech she put together about her time spent with him, Keegans cousin Caden who read about cancer and the fight, and Keegan's uncle Steve about what a fighter Keegan was.
Bret (main message)
Song 3 - Amazing Grace (Chains are Gone) - Tomlin
Song 4 - The Stand - Hillsong United
The Memorial service was a perfect mix of rememberance and hope knowing that Keegan is resting in Heaven with his Granny and Cousin. It encorporated things he loved like worship music and a slide show that ran the entire service of pictures from the last 2 years.
After the service friends, family and supporters all filed by to say one last goodbye and express their condolences. It was hard, really hard. When all of them had left and it was just family, we took our turns saying goodbye to the good lookin boy all dressed up for his party in heaven. I went first-whispered loving words into his ear hoping he could hear me in heaven. I then stuck a note, written by me next to him in his cofffin. My husband went next, then my mom and sisters. I snuck back in and got a good kiss on his little lips before the casket was closed for good. (that is one of the hardest things I have had to do-besides physically seeing and hearing him take his last breath.)
We spent the last couple days with family that were in from out of town which semi distracted the gaping whole left in my heart and soul. As they have all now have gone I don't know what to do. We have received his death certificates and it has been 48 hrs since he passed so he should be creamated tomorrow with his cremains back in our loving hands by mid to late week. It will be nice to have him back at home although in a different form.
I won't lie, it hurts. It hurts really really bad. I broke down in church today after one of our campus pastors mentioned him in a prayer we held together after the service. It doesnt feel right. I keeping thinking he is just napping and will be waking any minute.