Tuesday, December 20, 2011

How life can change in 2 weeks....

Its been 2 weeks or 14 days 9 hours and 15 minutes since I heard my baby take his last earthly breath. 20,715 minutes since I calmly told him while stroking his stubby hair that mommy and daddy where right there with him, he could go onto heaven and we would see him shortly. I told him how much we loved him and crawled back in bed. The three of us, in the bed he was conceived coming full circle with the death of the baby we created. It was surreal and continues to seem like it was all a movie or bad dream.

When I am doing something away from the living room, lets say in the kitchen, I have this feeling that I need to go into living room and check on him while he is watching elmo. When we went to our life group this past weekend I had this urge to ask my mom how he was doing and did he behave well while we were gone. I went to the bedroom to get dressed in my sleepy clothes when I got the urge to check his crib, which is currently in our room, give him a kiss and tell him I love you and goodnight.

I know it's not gonna get any easier for awhile. I pray everyday that I don't forget a smile, his laugh, his pudgy little wrists or ankles, those beautiful blue eyes that could make you melt and all the wonderful things that made Keegan Keegan. He was and will always remain my baby. While we are hoping for more children in the future, I never EVER want the feeling that I am replacing him in any way shape or form.

I am reading a book right now sent to me from a foundation for grieving parents. The book is called Gone but Not Lost : Grieving the Death of a Child.I have breezed through it and it is written with lots of biblical references which help me out a lot. So anyone out there in a similar situation I HIGHLY recommend this book written by David W. Wiersbe.

While I have lots and lots of emotions with this whole thing, I want to add there is a sense of peace in it all. I was talking with our Pastor last week and told him of this sense of peace and one of his only comments about it was that is awesome. Very few people experience this peace that transcends all  understanding (Philippians 4:7). I can tell you that it happens and it is true. I am at peace for the most part. He was suffering-to what degree I am not aware but he was it was evident. All the days of doctors appointments, tests and hospitals stays. Those are all behind us. He is at peace in heaven with God who takes special care of all children. THAT gives me comfort.

I miss him beyond words, I can't look at pictures and not want to cry or go through old blog posts and not be brought to sobs but it will get better, and when I think I am alone I have to remember that I have a wonderful husband and family by my side but most importantly God carries me when I am too week to carry myself.


  1. So glad you're finding some comfort during this difficult time. Keep your head up but also allow yourself to fall when you need to. Hugs!

  2. Absolutely beautiful Beth. You never cease to amaze me and even though I find it very difficult to read your blog, I can't help but do it anyways. I love that you can express yourself like you do with words and I love to know how you're feeling. It's not gonna be easy for a very long time but you do have loving people surrounding you every single day and you will always have Him to carry you. I think of you every day (especially because we got our news about Riley on the same day) so I know when it's been one week, two weeks, 10 weeks, 8 months....I'll be in pain too. I hope that you can enjoy Christmas this year and I will continue to pray for you and the famil.

  3. Beth,

    A friend of mine (I told you about her) lost her child tragically at 16 months. She said that her biggest fear was that she would forget him. 23 years later, she still remember EVERY single detail about her sweet baby boy. You will NEVER forget these things, a mother's heart will not allow it.

  4. I am praying for you often, Beth. Thanks for sharing part of your feelings here. I love how much you love and trust God. I am so thankful to Him for giving you a surreal peace. That is only from Him alone.

    Praying and praying,

  5. I am so glad you are finding peace in the fact that the Lord is taking care of Keegan and he is happy and waiting for you. He was soo loved. Sending many Prayers!

  6. My heart and prayers are with you. I also have another book to recommend: I will carry you by Angie Smith. She lost her daughter and this is a book she has written after that. She also has a blog: www.angiesmithonline.com

  7. You are so strong, and you are right, Keegan is in The Kingdom Of Heaven right now. He is pain free, happy, dancing, singing, and spending time with Jesus. He is lucky. This world has disappointments, heartaches, trials and pain. But not where he is. He won't have to face any of that. He knows how much he is loved and missed. I'm sure of it. I am praying for you and your family.

  8. I think of you constantly, dear. And I hope you can feel all of the prayers headed your way. Wishing you a merry Christmas in the midst of madness.


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