Its been 2 weeks or 14 days 9 hours and 15 minutes since I heard my baby take his last earthly breath. 20,715 minutes since I calmly told him while stroking his stubby hair that mommy and daddy where right there with him, he could go onto heaven and we would see him shortly. I told him how much we loved him and crawled back in bed. The three of us, in the bed he was conceived coming full circle with the death of the baby we created. It was surreal and continues to seem like it was all a movie or bad dream.
When I am doing something away from the living room, lets say in the kitchen, I have this feeling that I need to go into living room and check on him while he is watching elmo. When we went to our life group this past weekend I had this urge to ask my mom how he was doing and did he behave well while we were gone. I went to the bedroom to get dressed in my sleepy clothes when I got the urge to check his crib, which is currently in our room, give him a kiss and tell him I love you and goodnight.
I know it's not gonna get any easier for awhile. I pray everyday that I don't forget a smile, his laugh, his pudgy little wrists or ankles, those beautiful blue eyes that could make you melt and all the wonderful things that made Keegan Keegan. He was and will always remain my baby. While we are hoping for more children in the future, I never EVER want the feeling that I am replacing him in any way shape or form.
I am reading a book right now sent to me from a foundation for grieving parents. The book is called Gone but Not Lost : Grieving the Death of a Child.I have breezed through it and it is written with lots of biblical references which help me out a lot. So anyone out there in a similar situation I HIGHLY recommend this book written by David W. Wiersbe.
While I have lots and lots of emotions with this whole thing, I want to add there is a sense of peace in it all. I was talking with our Pastor last week and told him of this sense of peace and one of his only comments about it was that is awesome. Very few people experience this peace that transcends all understanding (Philippians 4:7). I can tell you that it happens and it is true. I am at peace for the most part. He was suffering-to what degree I am not aware but he was it was evident. All the days of doctors appointments, tests and hospitals stays. Those are all behind us. He is at peace in heaven with God who takes special care of all children. THAT gives me comfort.
I miss him beyond words, I can't look at pictures and not want to cry or go through old blog posts and not be brought to sobs but it will get better, and when I think I am alone I have to remember that I have a wonderful husband and family by my side but most importantly God carries me when I am too week to carry myself.