Monday, November 28, 2011

Making Sense.....

I am trying to make sense of why life is the way it is. Why we, Ry & I, have been given this beautiful, smart, adorable little boy to love and care for only to have cancer invade his little body and ultimately will take him away long before his "time."

I should be writing a post to all my beloved followers out there about our Wish Trip and how wonderful it was. Or I could be writing a post about the wonderful holiday weekend that just passed having enjoyed it with family near and far. But instead tonight I am trying to make sense of why a mother (me) and a father (Ryan) went a funeral home to pre-plan the arrangements for their son's funeral.

It just doesn't make sense to me. Why? Why? Why? Why my child and not yours? Why my child and not the 90 year old grandmother of 5 with great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. The only thing that I can think of is, God needs him. He lent him to us for his short time here on earth to love with all our might but his ultimate purpose is far greater than we ever expected or dreamed-what proud parents we should be right?

I guess I am just selfish, I don't want that for him, I want him to live a long life here on this earth with his family-future brothers and sisters, grandparents and cousins. I want to see him grow up, go to school plays, graduate high school, head to college and do stupid stuff only to be told by me "I told you so". I want to watch him bring girls home for the holidays where we make them sleep in separate bedrooms (because that is what parents do) and I want to see him at the end of the aisle his beautiful bride walking toward him with a small tear in his eye. But we won't get that.

Instead we get a viewing we have purposely planned to be child like and bright and cheery equipped with balloons and bright flowers. Not depressing and funerlesk.We picked out the coffin because they don't "rent" children's caskets out due to lack of need. We decided on an amount of money for the flowers. We tentatively wrote his obituary and planned visiting times. We picked out the Urn that his cremains we be put in and picked out a nice saying to be engraved on it along with his name, date of birth and date of death. We shouldn't be having to do this, not now, not ever. It just doesn't make sense.

This is what we get though. These are the cards we are dealt and right now I am having a hard time with this. I am having a hard time knowing what is ultimately going to happen and having absolutely no control over it what-so-ever.

Tonight was hard, it didn't make sense and I am not sure it ever will. But it did give us a sense of peace a sense of control in an uncontrollable situation. The one thing I will strive for is to give his young life justice and show what a cool kid he is because really...this doesn't make sense.


  1. Thinking of you, your family, and friends.

  2. My Heart is broken! It's not fair and I don't understand it either. I know it gives you no comfort for me to say maybe we are not supposed to understand. he is a very special angel. God must have very big plans for him and for you that is just so unfair because you to have big plans for you. I am sending the biggest tightest hugs your way! I use to sit an say why are these things happening to my sweet 2yr old when he would have one seizure after another. I would pray to God to make them stop and keep him safe. I have blamed myself and questioned a million times was it the fertility meds did I do something wrong and why us. After the long wait why is God giving this to us. Then I read your story and talked with you and I relazied it's all out of our control and I am sure some questions just do not have answers. Love him today and pray for a beautiful tomorrow. I know it can't be easy for you.It's just unfair! Lots of love and hug, Tracy

  3. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Hugs! The Wright Family

  4. It's such a dark path you walk but you're lighting it with your love, showing the rest of us what courage is.

  5. What a horrible, unfair thing for any parent to have to do. My heart truly goes out to you and your family in this awful, heart wrenching time. Somehow, you'll go through the motions when the time comes and everything will be beautiful for your amazing son, but it still wont be fair. Sending you love, prayers and good thoughts.

  6. You are the strongest woman I know...the strength of your faith is ever-present--which just blows my mind--at a time when you have every right to curse God, you have faith in Him, even when you're asking why. You are amazing and so courageous.

    I am so sorry your family has to go through this. It sucks and it's crappy and it's not fair. Please know that you guys are always on my mind, in my heart and in my prayers.

  7. I am so sad for you right now, my heart beakds as I read this post. I am saying lots of prayers to help your family get thru this unimagianable time.

  8. It is not fair, Beth. I just ache for you and all you are going through right now. I wish I could take the pain away and had words to that would give you understanding. I do have this though, God loves you guys very much and this hurts Him so very much, not Keegan preparing to go home to Him, but the fact that you and Ryan hurt and don't understand. God is a Father too and He knows how much it hurts to lose a Son. He stood by and watched while His Son was riduculed and beaten and He could have intervened but He chose not to, because He loves us so very much. Since we are fashioned after God and made in His image then I figure that He has the same feelings we do but even more powerful and intense because He knows so much more than we ever will. He knows the why's, we don't but He tells us to trust in Him because He is perfect and His ways are always right. This is not fair and I feel your hurt, I cannot imagine the pain in your heart but our God knows and He is really hurting for you. Continue to seek His face and turn to Him for comfort, He will give it to you and fill you with a peace that can only come from Him.

    Continuing to seek healing here on earth for Keegan. Lifting you all up to our Lord and asking Him to wash you inside and out with a deep love and comfort.

    Praying and praying,

  9. No it doesn't make sense. There are no words. Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and your family and praying. I am just so sorry you ever had to do that either.

  10. It doesn't make any sense. I was dealt similar cards and that trip to the funeral home is one of the hardest thing you'll ever do. I'm praying for all of you as you go through these days and weeks and months ahead. I pray for peace, understanding and comfort. I pray for strength for you. Much love to all of you.

  11. Oh, Beth :( I am absolutely devastated for you all. I hope, in some small way, all us "internet strangers" can envelope you in a warm hug. Keegan is an incredible little boy, and I thank you for sharing your journey through all of this with us. So much love your way. - Jill @BabyRabies

  12. I'm so very sorry that this is happening. But I am so glad to hear that you had a wonderful trip and holiday to add to the bank of memories that will be so vital.

  13. I'm sure there are no words that can give you any form of comfort but just know you're not alone and you're damn right it's not fair. Your family will be in my thoughts.

  14. My heart breaks for you and your family. It is so not fair, a parent should never have to bury their child. My prayers are with you all during this hard time.

  15. I have started many, many comments on your blog and have never finished them because I just can't find the words to say what I want to say. Even now, I struggle to find the words. Please know there is a total stranger who has you in her daily and nightly prayers.

    Keegan is blessed to have you.

  16. I found your blog from a link Jill @ babyrabies posted. I'm so so sorry for what you are going through right now. I cannot begin to imagine...your line in your post about him being lent to you reminded me of a poem that my parents put in my brother's funeral program 13 years ago. I'm sharing it in hopes that it might bring you comfort at some point in time...
    A Child Of Mine (To All Parents)
    Edgar Guest

    I will lend you, for a little time,
    A child of mine, He said.
    For you to love the while he lives,
    And mourn for when he's dead.
    It may be six or seven years,
    Or twenty-two or three.
    But will you, till I call him back,
    Take care of him for Me?
    He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
    And should his stay be brief.
    You'll have his lovely memories,
    As solace for your grief.
    I cannot promise he will stay,
    Since all from earth return.
    But there are lessons taught down there,
    I want this child to learn.
    I've looked the wide world over,
    In search for teachers true.
    And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
    I have selected you.
    Now will you give him all your love,
    Nor think the labour vain.
    Nor hate me when I come
    To take him home again?
    I fancied that I heard them say,
    'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!'
    For all the joys Thy child shall bring,
    The risk of grief we'll run.
    We'll shelter him with tenderness,
    We'll love him while we may,
    And for the happiness we've known,
    Forever grateful stay.
    But should the angels call for him,
    Much sooner than we've planned.
    We'll brave the bitter grief that comes,
    And try to understand.

  17. Oh, Beth. I don't even know you but I've followed a bit of your story and my thoughts are prayers are with you, your husband, and your precious little angel on earth.

  18. It's not fair my heart and soul is hurting with you !!! Sending my love and prayers knowing nothing I say will help, I have not walked in your shoes but I do know it is unfair and I cry along with you knowing that I may never understand why our children were born sick.

    Heart hugs always Ivy

  19. We're thinking of you all and sending hugs and love.

  20. Praying for you all Beth. Thinking of you each day. My heart just goes out to you both. I think of those things you are thinking each day. Praying for God to give you strength.

  21. Beth- I have actually been trying to write out this comment for about a month now but have not been able to muster up the correct words. I found your blog through Staring Scarlett. On the day that I found your blog, I did not believe in God. I mean we observe holidays and do all that, but to say I believed in a God per sei would be false. Anyway, Keegan's story/blog caught my attention and I began to read. I read and I read all the way through over the course of about 2 to 3 weeks. When I came upon your entry about how you will never know why Keegan was sent to you and what his purpose on earth was, my heart literally skipped a beat because I realize that as I read and absorbed his story, I began to believe. Maybe not in the traditional sense, but in a "we all have a plan and HE is in control" sense. This is a HUGE step for me as I was a total non-believer before Keegan. So, maybe I am why God sent Keegan down to Earth. Maybe I am the reason, or maybe there are others like me that Keegan has turned into believers. Either way, when he gets to Heaven he can tell God that if I was the reason he was sent to you and Ryan, than the mission is accomplished. Thank you Keegan.

  22. Praying for you both to feel God's love and comfort in this beyond difficult time. Praying for Keegan too!

  23. I haven't commented before, but I want you to know that I've been praying for you and Keegan for awhile. My heart breaks for your family. You will remain in my prayers. You are an amazing mother, and Keegan has been blessed to have you!

  24. oh, and this might not be a comfort now, but the Christian singer, Steven Curtis Chapman, put an album out after the death of his 5 year old daughter where he wrestles with a lot of the issues you've talked about.

  25. I will remain to keep praying because miracles happen every day and I am not going to give up and lose faith in god that he put your little boy here for a bigger purpose...

  26. Beth, I am so sorry...I lost my son 7 years ago too. And I cry right now because I know the pain of having to say good-bye sooner than we ever wanted to. I have been praying for you and Keegan for a long time now. You sister, Monique requested prayer for Keegan over a year ago and me and the church my husband and I pastor have been doing that ever since. My heart breaks because it doesn't make sense. There are babies being aborted and thrown away and yet Keegan and my Seth who were wanted and loved so much have to be taken away. There are no answers in the natural. We just have to continue to trust God for the answer. Our boys are with Jesus right now and the comfort that they aren't being poke and proded, that they don't have tubes and needles sticking into them and that we will see them again one day brings me such comfort. Did I want Seth to go, NO, I too am selfish, I want him here with us. I look at a boy his age and I wonder if that is what he would look like. I too wanted to see him misbehave and do silly things. But his short life had a purpose. Keegan had a purpose. Jamie posted a comment here and she said that she wasn't a believer until she began reading about Keegan. He was a little evangelist, even though he didn't know it. If you ever want to talk, scream and cry, call me 845 239 3310. No matter the time of day or night, I will answer!


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