I am trying to make sense of why life is the way it is. Why we, Ry & I, have been given this beautiful, smart, adorable little boy to love and care for only to have cancer invade his little body and ultimately will take him away long before his "time."
I should be writing a post to all my beloved followers out there about our Wish Trip and how wonderful it was. Or I could be writing a post about the wonderful holiday weekend that just passed having enjoyed it with family near and far. But instead tonight I am trying to make sense of why a mother (me) and a father (Ryan) went a funeral home to pre-plan the arrangements for their son's funeral.
It just doesn't make sense to me. Why? Why? Why? Why my child and not yours? Why my child and not the 90 year old grandmother of 5 with great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. The only thing that I can think of is, God needs him. He lent him to us for his short time here on earth to love with all our might but his ultimate purpose is far greater than we ever expected or dreamed-what proud parents we should be right?
I guess I am just selfish, I don't want that for him, I want him to live a long life here on this earth with his family-future brothers and sisters, grandparents and cousins. I want to see him grow up, go to school plays, graduate high school, head to college and do stupid stuff only to be told by me "I told you so". I want to watch him bring girls home for the holidays where we make them sleep in separate bedrooms (because that is what parents do) and I want to see him at the end of the aisle his beautiful bride walking toward him with a small tear in his eye. But we won't get that.
Instead we get a viewing we have purposely planned to be child like and bright and cheery equipped with balloons and bright flowers. Not depressing and funerlesk.We picked out the coffin because they don't "rent" children's caskets out due to lack of need. We decided on an amount of money for the flowers. We tentatively wrote his obituary and planned visiting times. We picked out the Urn that his cremains we be put in and picked out a nice saying to be engraved on it along with his name, date of birth and date of death. We shouldn't be having to do this, not now, not ever. It just doesn't make sense.
This is what we get though. These are the cards we are dealt and right now I am having a hard time with this. I am having a hard time knowing what is ultimately going to happen and having absolutely no control over it what-so-ever.
Tonight was hard, it didn't make sense and I am not sure it ever will. But it did give us a sense of peace a sense of control in an uncontrollable situation. The one thing I will strive for is to give his young life justice and show what a cool kid he is because really...this doesn't make sense.