Time is Going On...

Time is going on, and our baby is not with us. Today marks 6 months since Keegan took his last earthly breath and ascended into heaven. Words can not describe the pain, emptiness and ache that consumes my soul. Last night was especially hard, as I wrote in my face book status:

6 months ago tonight I was watching as the life was slowing draining out of my little boy. It was about this time that we know the inevitable was happening and there was no way to stop it. I miss him just as much today, if not more, than I did in the hours and days following his death. I can not believe it has been 6 whole months since I saw his smile, felt his small hand pat my back, or gave him what seemed like a never ending slew of medications. As you lay your children down for bed tonight please give them an extra kiss from a momma who would love one last tuck in......and maybe a prayer for Ry and I, time is going on without our baby.

I know Keegan is in a "better place". I know he is pain free and whole again, able to do things that his earthly body would not let him do, but I cant help but wonder "what if...I was giving him a bath right now" "what if he was with us when we went to visit family out of town last weekend-how much fun would he have had?" I hold on to the memories and mourn the future that we can never have.  Its a strange feeling to know that he is in such a beautiful place, fully healed, waiting for us as we will be reunited one day but wanting him here and aching for him so badly you can barely breath. 

The last 6 months have seemed to go by so fast yet it seems like years since I changed his last diaper. Time is a cruel cruel witch. I hold on to memories and try to move forward. That is all I know how to do.