Whoa....

Drum Roll please..........

I got on the scale  yesterday and I am down 12.5 lbs from May 29th! Can I get a woop woop!!! I don't weigh myself daily, heck I don't even weigh myself weekly, last time I stepped on the scale was toward the middle of June so when I got on the scale and saw that I lost 6 pounds I was so happy I wanted to do the happy dance all by myself in my little bathroom!

I can't say it hasn't been without a crap ton of hard work. Last week I got in 2 days of Zumba and an hour and ten minutes of walking the grounds of the state hospital with a dear friend. I love being active and have missed it sooooo much. I love that I am starting to see major results because I AM changing things. 

The general consensus was POST pictures so I have this weeks pictures. I do want to preface the posting of these pictures by saying 1) My hair is out.of.control (if you remember I shaved it for St. Baldricks back on March15th and its growing like a weed) 2) The lack of make up and 2) how LARGE I am.....but I am hoping this holds me accountable and it shows you what I am sortaish starting with. 

Without further ado:

I can't believe I am posting this for all the inter webs to see ::runs off to hide in the closet:: But its reality. It is the reality of pregnancy, a body after giving birth and a body that has been treated terribly because my son was my #1 priority for the 2 years 2 months 12 days 12 hours and 5 minutes he was on this earth. NOW is the time to change, I will be healthy again!

Slow and Steady......

Slowly but steadily I feel like my body is coming around, that all the hard work with "eating right" and getting exercise is starting to show. Slow and steady wins the race right!? At this point I know its gonna be a long road to get my body back to where I want it to be and as I start to see progress it inspires me to keep it up.

While I don't think anyone can really notice yet I can by the way my clothes fit and feel. The shorts I am currently wearing used to be uncomfortably tight.  Not in the "That girl over there has a camel toe" kinda tight but more in the "bless her heart those shorts are so tight the pockets are pulling across her thighs". While I am still carrying my saddle bags around like its no ones business, I know the harder I work and the more healthy choices I make I will feel better and better in my clothes.  

myfitnesspal.com has been a huge help in holding me accountable and thank you to all my readers who have found me (MrsChupp08) and friend ed me. I encourage you all to open your food diaries to your friends. I feel like it holds me accountable AND I can share some of the yummy things I am eating and can get new ideas from you as well. 

I started Zumba last week, where has it been all my life. I LOVE it and by LOVE I mean LOVE it! I love the fast pace, the dancing and ALL the glorious sweat! I don't feel like I get a good workout unless I sweat like a whore in church-REALLY I am serious. I walk away from the 50 minute session refreshed and dripping-it seriously is great! I still have a gym membership to a women's only circuit type place, haven't been since before I got pregnant in February. I should go back, I enjoyed toning up...they just have such terrible hours and its hard for me to get there.....


While I have gone from 210 down to 203.5 since starting I still have a long way to go. Im in it for the long haul.


Question: Should I do progression pictures for you or is that over rated and lame?

The Gap by Michael Crenlinsten

The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.

A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. To enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.

Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings in having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial - a further measure, however unwittingly, is added to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" in six months is simply "to not get it."

The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those, whose compassion and insight we need most, are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.

We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us; sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons, even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

**A friend who lost her granddaughter recently to the same cancer that took Keegan posted this and I thought it was so relevant. 

Content

I have been waiting for 6 long months and this morning it happened. This morning I finally had a dream where Keegan appeared. He was happy, healthy and full of the smiles that only he could conjure up. For those that know me real well they know that I have been waiting for this day since he passed. All I wanted was for him to come to me in a dream and tell me he was okay.

I don't think that its a coincidence that this past Wednesday he had been gone 6 months. It was wonderful to see his face and that beautiful head full of hair. The first time in the dream I saw him he was swinging in his Little Tikes swing, one of his favorite things to do beside watch Elmo. So reassuring that he was happy and whole. It put my heart at piece.

I don't know how many of you have read "The Shack" but because of this book and the hope it gave me I have been longing for a dream or two, three of five hundred....that's not too much to ask right ;)

Prayers

I know you guys are a great group of people, you have proved that over and over again through everything our journey has entailed. I now ask you for prayers for sweet Lucy. Lucy was diagnosed with Medulloblastoma in February 2011. She has fought 18 long hard months at St. Jude. Her mamma, Kate, made a post on Tuesday that said 

 Lucy's cancer is back. There is nothing we can do. We don't have a long time with her but we are determined to make the most of every minute.

Oh how I hate this for them. Ry and I know all to well how the next days, weeks and months to come will go. 

Please rally with me in support of Lucy and her family as her parents help her transition from her earthly body to one of eternal wholeness and light. Keep Kate and Erik is your prayers as they endure some of the toughest days of their lives and pray for strength and peace that only the lord can provide.

Thanks y'all!

Time is Going On...

Time is going on, and our baby is not with us. Today marks 6 months since Keegan took his last earthly breath and ascended into heaven. Words can not describe the pain, emptiness and ache that consumes my soul. Last night was especially hard, as I wrote in my face book status:

6 months ago tonight I was watching as the life was slowing draining out of my little boy. It was about this time that we know the inevitable was happening and there was no way to stop it. I miss him just as much today, if not more, than I did in the hours and days following his death. I can not believe it has been 6 whole months since I saw his smile, felt his small hand pat my back, or gave him what seemed like a never ending slew of medications. As you lay your children down for bed tonight please give them an extra kiss from a momma who would love one last tuck in......and maybe a prayer for Ry and I, time is going on without our baby.

I know Keegan is in a "better place". I know he is pain free and whole again, able to do things that his earthly body would not let him do, but I cant help but wonder "what if...I was giving him a bath right now" "what if he was with us when we went to visit family out of town last weekend-how much fun would he have had?" I hold on to the memories and mourn the future that we can never have.  Its a strange feeling to know that he is in such a beautiful place, fully healed, waiting for us as we will be reunited one day but wanting him here and aching for him so badly you can barely breath. 

The last 6 months have seemed to go by so fast yet it seems like years since I changed his last diaper. Time is a cruel cruel witch. I hold on to memories and try to move forward. That is all I know how to do.

Its so time

I hate dieting, I really do, and for most of my life my motto was "you only live once". That was until I hit 200 pounds and counting. I have always had a love hate relationship with food, its just how I roll so therefor always struggling with my weight. Most of my childhood I was a tad over where I should be, or so I thought at the time. Looking back I think I looked great. I was a size 6 to 8 in high school which wasn't bad but when you hang out with girls that are 2's and 4's it seemed to be defeating.

The fall that Ry and I got engaged (actually started this pre engagement) I was around 176 pounds and needed to be thinner. Having been in a relationship and living together Ry and I both put on weight and really wanted it off! I started to run on the treadmill and my doctor prescribed me Phentermine. Phentermine is a prescription weight loss pill that you can get through your doctor. I used it for 2 months, basically to kick start my weight loss. I knew if I could see it coming off it would motivate me to do my part. So I started this drug, I liked what it did by suppressing my appetite so I didn't feel like I was starving-is that not the worst part about dieting! I HATE that part. Anyway, so I went in after 4 weeks, lost about 5-6 pounds and then repeated with about the same results.  I bought my wedding dress in a size 14 before Christmas in '07 but by our wedding in March '08 it was hanging off me. 

I got down to approximately 154. I looked great and felt the same. In March 2009 we found out we were pregnant with Keegan. I ate. I wont lie, I ate like it was going out of style and I was pretty sedentary. I hardly had energy in the first trimester to even get out of bed let alone take a walk around the block. Second Trimester brought back a little more energy but oh heavens the swelling started and I was not comfortable in my own skin. By the Third Trimester I was HUGE and could barely move, evidenced by this lovely:

By the time I delivered I was hovering up in the 220ish range and since I am only 5'4ish  its very noticeable. I hate when people make excuses but once he was born fatigue set in and then the diagnosis. Being a new mom I felt like I didn't have enough hours in the day to do what needed to be done let alone working out-although in hindsight that would have helped give me energy.

Once Keegan was diagnosed and we lived out of hospital rooms and Ronald McDonald houses I didn't eat well at all. Add onto that stress, no exercise and depression I just hovered in the 200-215 range. It has stayed that was for the last 2 years and I AM DONE! I am ready to reclaim my body for me!! I need it for myself, for my husband and our future children. I want my body back, my energy back and the double chins gone!

I have started on myfitnesspal.com . Back in 07 when I lost all that weight I just counted calories and stayed active and that is what this app does....since I don't have a smart phone though I use the computer/ipad. So it counts the calories for you and you can input exercise and it adjusts calories accordingly.

I was not made to be a small girl and ultimately I know the 154 range was probably a little too low for my body type. Realistically 30-40 pounds would be great! 

This is a "current" picture of me taken on vacation at the beginning of May, here is to hoping every update will be a little better! If anyone wants to join my journey on myfitnesspal.com my user name is MrsChupp08 and I will be updating here as well.