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My son is gone, he is gone forever from this earth and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. There is the ache, this burning, this hole where my heart used to be and I feel like it is gonna hurt, burn, and be empty until I am reunited with him in Heaven.
Some days are better than others and some seem more "survivable". I think about how it has almost been 4 months since I saw his eyes open and a beautiful smile on his face and I break down. I don't know how I am gonna survive until old age without him. Besides Ryan and the little family we built he was my everything. My world revolved around Keegan and making him happy. I don't have that anymore and it hurts.
Some days I have no idea where to turn, the only people who "truly get it" are family and friends who have gone through similar situations. You hate to reach out on one of your bad days because what if they are having a "good day", you don't want to be that black cloud. But its days like today (Ry is working his 13th day in a row) that I need someone, someone who understands the situation and the never ending tug in your soul that you are not whole, part of you is missing.
I know I will see him again and it will be glorious. I have to wait until I get to heaven though and even though I am one step closer everyday I am still too far. So where DO broken hearts go? Where can I be fixed, I fear I am forever broken and destined to be that way until we are reunited.....
On a side note: Keegan would have been 2.5 yesterday.....
Hi Beth,
ReplyDeleteI hear your broken heart and I just weep for you. This is hard. Try to find comfort in God and know that I am praying for you often and giving you hugs from many miles away.
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
You are not alone even though it feels like it. Jesus is right there with you.
Praying and praying,
<><
I've been reading your blog for awhile but I lapsed, and just got caught up. I'm so so sorry to read of the loss of your son. I don't think you need to change the name of your blog at all. You'll always Karen for Keegan......
ReplyDeleteKare for Keegan, that was supposed to say. Atocorrect thinks it's so smart! Cyber hugs.....
ReplyDeleteI do not mean this is a negative way but have you received any type of grief counseling since his death, I know if I lost my kids I would need lots of professional help along with friends and family support.
ReplyDeleteI would never begin to say I know what you are going through, my name is Mary and I have been a special Ed teacher for over 20 years. During that time, 7 of my students lost their battles with severe disabilities and moved on to a much better place. I did see the heartbreak in their Mother,s eyes and felt a part of that loss also. I can tell you that something which helped was when one of the Moms stopped Ian at school one day , she not only returned on many occasions, but ended up getting a job as my assistant. We talked of her son often , and the kids in the class loved having her there. she is still in the class today, 11 years later, of course new students, but she always tells me it has. Helped keep her son alive, by giving to other kids with special needs. give it a try, and God Bless
ReplyDeleteI would never begin to say I know what you are going through, my name is Mary and I have been a special Ed teacher for over 20 years. During that time, 7 of my students lost their battles with severe disabilities and moved on to a much better place. I did see the heartbreak in their Mother,s eyes and felt a part of that loss also. I can tell you that something which helped was when one of the Moms stopped Ian at school one day , she not only returned on many occasions, but ended up getting a job as my assistant. We talked of her son often , and the kids in the class loved having her there. she is still in the class today, 11 years later, of course new students, but she always tells me it has. Helped keep her son alive, by giving to other kids with special needs. give it a try, and God Bless
ReplyDelete