Where do Broken Hearts Go?

I have this little problem....well its not so little I guess. It's not little at all I guess, my heart is broken.  It's completely shattered in a million pieces and I don't know where to begin to put the pieces back together. Or do I even try to put it back together?

My son is gone, he is gone forever from this earth and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. There is the ache, this burning, this hole where my heart used to be and I feel like it is gonna hurt, burn, and be empty until I am reunited with him in Heaven.

Some days are better than others and some seem more "survivable". I think about how it has almost been 4 months since I saw his eyes open and a beautiful smile on his face and I break down. I don't know how I am gonna survive until old age without him. Besides Ryan and the little family we built he was my everything. My world revolved around Keegan and making him happy. I don't have that anymore and it hurts.

Some days I have no idea where to turn, the only people who "truly get it" are family and friends who have gone through similar situations. You hate to reach out on one of your bad days because what if they are having a "good day", you don't want to be that black cloud. But its days like today (Ry is working his 13th day in a row) that I need someone, someone who understands the situation and the never ending tug in your soul that you are not whole, part of you is missing.

I know I will see him again and it will be glorious. I have to wait until I get to heaven though and even though I am one step closer everyday I am still too far. So where DO broken hearts go? Where can I be fixed, I fear I am forever broken and destined to be that way until we are reunited.....

On a side note: Keegan would have been 2.5 yesterday.....

Do Bad Things Always Happen in Threes?

I just can't shake the "Bad things happen in 3's" thought from my head. I grew up with it and now I feel like I am living it. We lost Keegan to his courageous battle to Medulloblastoma in December of '11. Just over three short months ago.

On February 23rd, kind of by freak accident, found out we were expecting another baby Chupp. While I was apprehensive from the beginning  I was looking forward to the pregnancy and another baby. We were hoping this baby would have traits and attributes that Keegan had thus passing on his legacy. 

Last Thursday March 8th I started to get pretty bad cramping. I went to the bathroom where I noticed I started bleeding, A LOT! I called my doctors office as soon as it opened b/c by that time I passed a clot that is what I think was the baby. My doctors office told me to hold out hope, whatever that means. By this time I was in soooo much pain and bleeding very very bad. 

I arrived at the doctors office around 9:30, had an ultrasound which confirmed there was a sac but the technician could not see a baby. Then I went over to see my OB. He told me he could do a D&C that afternoon or he could give me some pain pills and another medication to pass the miscarriage naturally. After talking to him he decided it would be best to do the D&C. I went into his schedulers office and scheduled it for 1pm. 

A little over 2 hours from the time I left Dr. Mann's office I would be back to square one and not pregnant anymore. While I knew it was probably for the best since first trimester miscarriages are more times than not due to chromosomal abnormalities, my mind was playing tricks on me and I began to question why God didn't want Ryan and I have to children. After all our first and most perfect baby was taken to heave after 2 year and a little over 2 months and our other baby didn't even live past 6 weeks gestation. 

So this has left me to wonder, when is the third thing gonna happen and what is it? I am scared out of my mind. I am trying to turn it over to the Lord but geesh is it hard. We have had more than our fair share of bad things happen to us, when is it gonna stop?

A Little Competition

So we haven't started a "Team Keegan" foundation yet but I am looking to have events to raise money for childhood cancer research and education about childhood cancer in Keegan's name. Only problem, first and foemost I need a logo and possible slogan, and like the name change for the blog I am very open to anything, the details about the competition are below:

I have a competition going on: I needs friends that can design stuff on a computer to help a girl out....i need some team keegan stuff worked up for some charity events....I am looking for a Logo with possible slogan for brochures, flyers and banners. Two requirements: Has the Gold Ribbon for childhood cancer awareness and Team Keegan somewhere on it. I am giving away a custom wreath, winners choosing for the design. You can check out the Karing for Keegan page for details on my sons fight or his blog at www.karingforkeegan.blogspot.com. submissions for the contest can be emailed to chupp {dot} beth @ gmail {dot} com.

For those of you that don't know I started a wreath making business last year that I am still working on getting up and going. Keegan's sickness and his passing required me to spend lots of wonderful moments with him and put the wreath stuff on the back burner per sei. But as an incentive to make Logos that are both meaningful and impactful I am offering up a wreath of the designers choosing. 

If you have any knowledge of in this field please feel free to create 1, 2, or however many and submit them to the email address above, I will most likely be accepting them until mid week next week. If you have any questions feel free to ask. 

Name Poll

There is a name poll in the right side column, please take a minute to vote on the name you like best. One vote per person please so it gives me a good idea of what people are thinking!

Much love!

It's been awhile

Sorry for my lapse in posts. I having been trying to figure out where this blog is going and what I want to focus on. While I have still not decided other than its gonna be a blog about Ry and I trying to go on and live our lives in the absence of the one little boy that meant the world to us, I also want to focus on getting the word out about childhood cancer and the grim statistics that parents like us and many more around the world are faced with on an everyday basis!

Part of that is bringing awareness to organizations and people that are doing great things in the name of fundraising and research for Childhood cancer. I am pleased to call one of them my friend. Cassie Sartin and her husband Alex have been fighting alongside their precious son Sam since April of 2010 when he was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. They blog over here She is the lady who turned me on to St. Baldrick's and all the wonderful things they do in the name of research. They are shaving their heads just a day or two before me (which is only a week away-AHHH!) and made a video that I think is very insightful and will have a huge impact on people if we can get it out there. 

It showcases kids, young and old, who have fought and are fighting this terrible disease. Please check this out and share with friends, family and loved ones and if you find it in your heart-DONATE to the cause!

Team Shaving for Sam - St. Baldrick's 2012 from GreenHill Productions on Vimeo.

Please bear with me as I find the new direction of the blog...I will take any and all suggestions, even the name is up in the air.

With much love on this 3 month angelversary of Keegan's passing!