Saturday, October 6, 2012

To My Love


Today marks 10 months since you have been gone, how strange it feels to put those thoughts into words. I never imagined that this same day 3 years ago when we brought you home from the NICU that it would be such an important day, the 6th of the month.

That day, that perfect fall day, 3 years ago, was full of so much hope. You looked so itty bitty in your car seat as mommy and daddy loaded you into the car. You didn't make a peep just looked all around exploring this big world. To be honest daddy and I were scared. For the first two weeks of your life you were monitored VERY closely and now we were on our own! It was so excited that we didn't have to make any more trips to the women's hospital to see OUR Keegan. You were home safely with us where you should have been. Oh, how I would have loved to know what was running through your mind that day, I am sure you were awe. Oh such a day of hope, love and complete bliss. Our little family was whole once we brought you home.

This same day marks 10 months since you left daddy and I's arms and went to heaven. Some days its feels like FOREVER. Those days I find myself forgetting your smile, your laugh and the tilt of your little head but all I have to do is look at pictures, which thank goodness daddy and I took A LOT of because it does come flooding right back. I feel lucky in that sense because I was with you everyday and we had the chance to make lots of memories

I miss you especially bad right now because fall is one of my favorite times of the year and that is where our memories began. Your first halloween you were just a month old but I dressed you up anyway, I just couldnt resist since technically you weren't even suppose to be here yet. Last year we took you to the pumpkin patch   and had such a good time.

I wish more than anything on this earth that you were here my love. Tears fall as try to envision the rest of my life without you. My baby, my fighter, my Keegan. It seems impossible, it really does. I hope that you can still feel my love for you from heaven. I continue to love you despite the distance because you are the reason I became a mommy.

10 months. I just can't seem to wrap my head around that right now. In just 2 short months you will have been gone a full year and I just cant believe it. No parent should have to loose there child and no child should  not get a chance to be a child.

I miss you Kee. I don't care how often I was up every night. I dont care how many loads of laundry I had to do because you pooped, puked or leaked on your outfit and I dont care how little we got "date nights". I would trade it all in just to have you in my arms again. The morning you took your last breath is the morning a part of me went away that will never EVER be the same.

I hope you are having a blast in heaven. I hope you have found friends like Bree and Wesley and that Granny and Hudsin are there along with Grandpa Polly and Papa until daddy and I are reunited with you again. Mommy loves you baby and I know Daddy does too.

Such a weird day full of smiles for the good times and tears for the good times we will never get.
I love you!


  1. Hi Berh,
    Just letting you know I'm still praying for you often.

  2. Oops Beth. I'm using my phone and did not see that mistake, sorry.


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