Monday, September 3, 2012


You know how in hindsight things can be so much more clear than they were during the actual time the events occurred? Yeah me too, I knew it would happen; I don't know why I feel like its hitting me like a MAC truck though. I knew that when I looked back, especially to the day of Keegan's passing and the time surrounding, that my views and feelings of the event as "part of my history" would be totally different.

Well, I was just looking at pictures to edit for childhood cancer awareness month and I stumbled upon the pictures of Keegan this time last year. They are devastatingly sad and to be honest just break my heart. I was comparing how he looked from our July beach trip to the end of August when we were stationed in Bloomington getting radiation. Oh he looks so sick. He looks so sad in most pictures and it freaking tears me up that MY SON had to be put through hell and back.

Here are the pictures I was referencing:

At the time I didn't really see it. How could I? I got to see that beautiful face everyday. But here, as I compare the pictures, this is one of the most significant changes he underwent....and honestly he never came back from. The way he started to bloat in August from the massive amounts of steroids that were being pumped into his small body just got progressively worse. The glimmer in his beautiful blue eyes is not there and that smile, that smile is masked under little steroid chipmunk cheeks. While we got compliments on his adorable cheeks all the time I always said I couldn't take credit for them, they were man made (steroidal).

I know I am just torturing myself by doing this comparison but looking back I wonder if he felt as bad as he looked.  Did we delay the inevitable and make him suffer more? I know we will never know but these pictures and thinking back to the way he acted I wonder.......was that anonymous poster back last summer right....did we do all these "extra" things for the wrong reason?

Hindsight can really be a bitch sometimes.
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  1. You did what you thought was right for your baby boy at the time. Try not to second guess yourself because you got precious time that even though he was so sick it just wasnt quite time for him yet. Much love to you!

  2. You gave your little boy every chance you could. It's better to know you did what you could instead of regretting not doing so.

  3. I have these moments. I look back at pictures of Scarlett "before", when we saw this tiny bruise on her forehead and thought it was nothing. It haunts me, every time I open Picasa, see it on our blog or just remember it myself. I very much relate to what you have said about PTSD and long-term damage. I'm sorry that there are so many details that make you second guess; we have that, too. Keegan was loved, and he knew that. That love was the most important part of his life.

  4. don't do this to yourself beth - please!

  5. Oh Beth hon, don't torture yourself. I believe in my heart you did the right thing and I know you had many people supporting you along the way. You know if you didn't give it all you had you wouldn't have had that amazing time with him at Disney.

    That anonymous commenter was very wrong and had no right to say what they did. There are too many haters in this world so please do not listen to someone who doesn't value life. Life is so precious and I am so happy you fought for Keegan with every thing you had.

    Praying for you hon,

  6. I honestly just woke up this morning with thoughts of Keegan and your family and realized how long it had been since I've read your blog and thought I would catch up. I hope you know what an amazing, strong and wonderful mother you are. I can't even imagine the battles you faced while going through all of this, and unless you've had an experience similiar to this, I don't think you'd ever be able to say what you would do in that type of situation. You have been through more than I can even imagine, and as my husband and I discuss having children, I can't imagine my first child being diagnosed with cancer or having to go through everything Keegan did. I just hope you know there are people that still pray for your family every single day and there are people that you don't even know that you've touched. <3 please don't let negative people's mean words have you thinking you did anything wrong <3.

  7. Beth you did what most every other mother in the world would have done!! Don't beat yourself up! If you wouldn't have done would be second guessing. You know that you did EVERYTHING possible to give your baby boy a shot at life! He was and IS a blessing to everybody that "knew" him. You've been on my heart a lot lately. I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU!!

    Much love,
    Amy Carroll

  8. You did what every loving parent would do: try everything to save your child's life. Don't blame yourself for wanting to give your precious boy a chance to heal. You would never forgive yourself if you hadn't at least tried. For sure Keegan knows that everything you did for him, you did out of unconditional love. Praying for you!

  9. I'm not a Mom; so maybe what I say isn't worth much - But I think that you did what you thought was best for Keegan at the time. If some day I'm a Mom, and i'm forced to make the decisions that you had to make - I hope that I will fight for my child like you fought for Keegan. You fought for him! You fought to give him a childhood; you gave him the chance to get better. You did every thing that you could have done - you shouldn't second guess yourself.. I'm so sorry for the loss of Keegan.

  10. honestly beth, while you may not see the same glimmer in his eyes in every picture, or the smile, i remember the pictures from GKTW and Disney, and those signs were there! you did what you and Ry and the doctors thought was best, and gave our little guy so much love throughout his life!!


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