You know how in hindsight things can be so much more clear than they were during the actual time the events occurred? Yeah me too, I knew it would happen; I don't know why I feel like its hitting me like a MAC truck though. I knew that when I looked back, especially to the day of Keegan's passing and the time surrounding, that my views and feelings of the event as "part of my history" would be totally different.
Well, I was just looking at pictures to edit for childhood cancer awareness month and I stumbled upon the pictures of Keegan this time last year. They are devastatingly sad and to be honest just break my heart. I was comparing how he looked from our July beach trip to the end of August when we were stationed in Bloomington getting radiation. Oh he looks so sick. He looks so sad in most pictures and it freaking tears me up that MY SON had to be put through hell and back.
Here are the pictures I was referencing:
At the time I didn't really see it. How could I? I got to see that beautiful face everyday. But here, as I compare the pictures, this is one of the most significant changes he underwent....and honestly he never came back from. The way he started to bloat in August from the massive amounts of steroids that were being pumped into his small body just got progressively worse. The glimmer in his beautiful blue eyes is not there and that smile, that smile is masked under little steroid chipmunk cheeks. While we got compliments on his adorable cheeks all the time I always said I couldn't take credit for them, they were man made (steroidal).
I know I am just torturing myself by doing this comparison but looking back I wonder if he felt as bad as he looked. Did we delay the inevitable and make him suffer more? I know we will never know but these pictures and thinking back to the way he acted I wonder.......was that anonymous poster back last summer right....did we do all these "extra" things for the wrong reason?
Hindsight can really be a bitch sometimes.