Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Flashes of a life I once lived

There was this life I lived once not too long ago. It consisted of Ryan and I living in different cities, spending night upon night on a cot next to my sons hospital bed, and lots of anxiety and stress over the next scan, the newest symptom or what Keegan was or wasn't doing. It seems like ages ago although it was just over 7 months. 

The best way to describe these "things" that have been happening to me is to say I am having flashes. I will just be sitting in the living room or laying in bed.....nothing especially significant, just normal everyday activities when it happens. I have a flash......some are longer than others but some aren't. I go back to a certain event (hospital stay, vacation, day at home, etc) and be "immersed" in the moment. I can smell how it smelled, I experience the emotion of whatever is happening, and can actually fell very much like I am right there reliving that moment.

Sometimes they are good flashes and sometimes they are not. I like the good ones, it feels like he is back living with us, breathing and just being him. The bad ones though they are the worst, I get trapped and freak out because I want out! Its terrible. I have relived scan results, terrible hospital stays and his last night and last breath. Those are the ones that try to take me down. They are the ones that try their hardest to break me. While I can feel that sense of anxiety take me over, I have been able to push it back and remind myself that those moments are NOT what need to be remembered. I need to remember him in all his 32 pounds of boy, in those smiles that lit up his face and in that hair (my gosh that hair). I need to remember the way he tilted his head as if he was expressing his love for you and mostly I need to remember him for how he loved us and his life. 

These flashes come from no where, I don't mind the good ones but the bad ones need to go away. I wonder if they ever do.


  1. thanks for sharing your story beth. i wish i'd known keegan!

  2. Hi Beth,
    I am glad there are some good memories there that do over ride the bad ones. I remember most about Keegan is his beautiful blue eyes and then there is the video you put up of him sitting up on the couch and his first bath. Those, even though I have never met him, are the memories that come to my mind.

    Praying for you hon,

  3. Hmmm... I am afraid the bad memories will never really go away, but I hope and pray for you that the good memories will prevail, because those will keep you going. And those are the ones worth remembering, honoring, and celebrating.
    All the best.

  4. Stay strong Beth. Hold on to your good memories and allow your self to work through the bad. Sending you a big hug.


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