Wishing You were here.....

Keegan,

Its May now, you have been gone from our loving arms for almost 6 months. It is so hard  to wrap my brain around the fact that just 6 short months ago you were alive and we were getting ready to go on your Wish Trip.    What a great time you had, I am sure you were in more pain that I can ever know but you kept a smile on that gorgeous face as if you didn't want to show us how bad things really were. 

You know how hard of a month May is for me, I am sure. My very first Mother's Day I felt you move for the first time inside me, little did I know a mere year later on my first Mother's Day with you in my arms you would be life flighted to Riley with what turned out to be a brain tumor. My third Mother's Day you relapsed and we were expecting a surgery on your spine within days and here I am a few days after what would be my fourth Mother's Day and I talk to you through my heart, not in person. 

I am a shattered mess Keegs my whole soul aches for you and I don't really know how I am gonna live to be old and grey without you in my life. You were my reason for being a mom, you were my little booga booga. Even though I know you are pain free running around with Bree I long to see your smile, your bright blue eyes and hear you laugh. You and daddy were my everything and now I just don't know what to do. 

Daddy and I got home from our cruise almost a week ago. While we had a good time in the Caribbean sun we both commented how it made us miss you more because you would have loved doing some of the things we got to do. It made it more evident that you were gone when people would ask if we had any kids or why we took a cruise. Sometimes we explained what happened and sometimes we didnt, please dont ever think we dont want to share you or the courageous fight you fought, but some people just can't handle reality. 

I miss you buddy more today than I did yesterday. The anniversaries are terrible for me, I wish I could completely forget about dates and just focus on all the good memories but its easier said than done. 

Until next time buddy I love you,

Momma