Thursday, September 15, 2011

Grief and Grieving.

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day.

Yesterday was supposed to be full of happiness and joy as our little boy finished his last radiation treatment and got to ring the bell at the Proton Beam Center.

For the most part yesterday was just that.

But as the day went on I got more and more uneasy and just generally not happy.

It culminated in an ugly grieving spell as I was getting ready to go to sleep last night. Ryan and I had just gotten home from our small group and headed to bed. My ear had been hurting and earlier in the day Ry told me to just put a little peroxide in my ear. Flash back to bed time. I asked Ryan where the Peroxide was. His simple reply "I think its under the sink."

It was those 6 simple words that threw me into to "grief mode." I thought to myself  ::I don't know why::: we are never going to have to childproof the house because my "toddler" will not toddle around and get into things like cabinets, closets and drawers. This escalated to Oh MY GOODNESS my son is NEVER going to run around a playground and hop from the swing set to the slide. The tears started rolling and they were unstoppable.

I sobbed silently into my pillow about all this things my precious little boy that has fought sooooo hard against a horrible disease will never be able to experience. Today I have been thinking of that episode and why last night, was it that simple question that made me trip into this black hole?

I have been saying to the doctors, nurses, friends, and family "as long as my baby is here I don't care about the legs, he can still have a full, happy, productive life." Their reply is always along the lines of "of coarse he can and he will!"

Was that statement a front to make myself feel better? I don't know, I know I do genuinely believe that but why all of a sudden does the loss bother me so-is the depth of the paralyzation just hitting me? Is it the weening of the meds (my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety)? Is it getting ready to "be my time of the month?"  Is it normal? I don't know, but what I do know is that I am hurting from deep in my soul.

I think of ALL things he will never be able to do like ride a bike, roller skate, play hide and seek, pump a swing higher and higher until he touches the sky....

Its crushing and I feel like I can't breath.


  1. oh gosh beth... maybe your feelings are all those things you mentioned but i guess reality has hit and you've gotta grieve sometime. get it out now so keegan can have that wonderful productive life. he has so much now: wonderful parents and family / friend support and faith on his side. it's just gotta be okay. keep praying, don't give up and i just believe it will be fine.

  2. This brought a mound of tears to my eyes. I can't even begin to understand the pain, grief, sadness and unbelievable amount of heartache that you have right now but I will certainly pray that tomorrow is a better day for you. You are such an amazing mother and such a strong person to be able to fight for your sons life the way you have since the day he was born. I truly believe that Keegan will grow up and have an absolutely amazing life because he has you. I hate it that you feel this way Beth. Please hang in there and know that you have so much love and support!!!!

  3. Praying for you Beth - lean on your husband, lean on God. Catch your breath. Keegan is blessed to have a mom that loves him so much.

  4. Oh Beth honey, you've been so strong, for so long, of course it is normal for this sort of emotion to come out. What matters is that you let it out so that it doesn't eat you up, and then you move on and keep going. Your bravery is so inspiring and beautiful and Keegan is so blessed to have you as his mama. I'm sending lots of prayers your way.

  5. Dear Beth,
    My heart is breaking for you all.
    Praying for a miracle for your little man.
    Soft, gentle, caring hugs from me to you.
    ♥... Kerrie

  6. Praying for you and your sweet boy. As painful as it is, I am guessing that how you are feeling is so completely normal and expected and a even healthy part of the journey. You have been so strong and so positive this whole fight so be gentle with yourself -- Keegan is the luckiest little guy around, surrounded by love and the most incredible momma around. He will have such a happy and full life thanks to you and your sacrifices and devotion!! God Bless.

  7. Beth hon, this is normal. You have been pushing and pushing for so long and now it is time to wait for scans, of course this will hit you like a ton of bricks. Cry, grieve and wail but don't stay there. Keegan will have a great life even if he is in a wheel chair. There are so many things will will be able to do and he will develop skills that other kids do not have. You have the power to help him here by encouraging him and loving on him. You can encourage him into sports as there are all kinds of wheel chair sports that, if he is persistent, he can even make it to the special Olympics! There are races, basketball, volleyball and so on. He can even learn to swim and ride a horse!

    I wish I could just hold you and wipe away your tears and grief. God has a plan, trust Him. I know it is hard right now and you might be mad at Him, that's ok He can handle it, just don't stay mad. Come to Him and allow Him to comfort you and open your eyes to what He sees.

    Praying for you sweet girl, praying.

  8. Keegan may not have the same types of firsts and experiences that you imagined, but he will have some that will be all his own and they will be celebrated and enjoyed just as much as any other.

    As always, praying for your family.

  9. I just stumbled upon this site from Scarlett's site. And I spent around 3 hours last night reading the whole thing (and going to bed a lot later than I should have lol). But anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm praying for your little boy!!! God bless!

  10. I just found your site, and my heart goes out to you. I have no words to help you feel better- I am sure no one does. As a mother, I couldnt imagine facing this. Know that we are all here praying for your little man and for you. You will make sooo many other memories with him :)

    Praying for peace for you

  11. Dear friend ~ you are in my heart and heart greatly grieves for you and your pain.....much, much love ~ alice

  12. I think I would feel the same way if I never got to see my children walk or run and do all the other things that you have to walk and run to do I am so sorry you have to go through this and I hope that one day things will be better for all of you this story made me cry and that could just be my pregnancy hormones but I don't think so


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