Grief and Grieving.

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy day.

Yesterday was supposed to be full of happiness and joy as our little boy finished his last radiation treatment and got to ring the bell at the Proton Beam Center.

For the most part yesterday was just that.

But as the day went on I got more and more uneasy and just generally not happy.

It culminated in an ugly grieving spell as I was getting ready to go to sleep last night. Ryan and I had just gotten home from our small group and headed to bed. My ear had been hurting and earlier in the day Ry told me to just put a little peroxide in my ear. Flash back to bed time. I asked Ryan where the Peroxide was. His simple reply "I think its under the sink."

It was those 6 simple words that threw me into to "grief mode." I thought to myself  ::I don't know why::: we are never going to have to childproof the house because my "toddler" will not toddle around and get into things like cabinets, closets and drawers. This escalated to Oh MY GOODNESS my son is NEVER going to run around a playground and hop from the swing set to the slide. The tears started rolling and they were unstoppable.

I sobbed silently into my pillow about all this things my precious little boy that has fought sooooo hard against a horrible disease will never be able to experience. Today I have been thinking of that episode and why last night, was it that simple question that made me trip into this black hole?

I have been saying to the doctors, nurses, friends, and family "as long as my baby is here I don't care about the legs, he can still have a full, happy, productive life." Their reply is always along the lines of "of coarse he can and he will!"

Was that statement a front to make myself feel better? I don't know, I know I do genuinely believe that but why all of a sudden does the loss bother me so-is the depth of the paralyzation just hitting me? Is it the weening of the meds (my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety)? Is it getting ready to "be my time of the month?"  Is it normal? I don't know, but what I do know is that I am hurting from deep in my soul.

I think of ALL things he will never be able to do like ride a bike, roller skate, play hide and seek, pump a swing higher and higher until he touches the sky....

Its crushing and I feel like I can't breath.