Please Join Us

I have been absent and I apologize.

As of 5:45 am tomorrow morning (CST) my love will have been gone ONE FULL YEAR.

365 days it has been since I saw his smile, heard him giggle, or changed a diaper.

Please join us in lighting a candle in his memory tomorrow 12/6/12.

If you think about it and get a chance I would love to see them. Photos can be shared over on Candles for Keegan or Karing for Keegan.

Hopefully I will be back soon, I have had posts a brewing but no energy to write.

It Hurts

Theses last couple days it has been mounting. Im not sure why or if  it's just gonna be like this through the holidays but it hurts. I miss him so much it literally hurts. I can barely type this because I am crying so much. Its been over 11 months since I saw him smile, changed his diaper or got a love tap on my shoulder. I miss you baby more than I can even adequately describe in words.

I love you baby, mommy miss you so much.

Hiatus

While writing has always been cathartic for me, I am finding myself at a loss of words these days. I think I will continue this break for a little while longer. I just can't seem to get up the energy to hammer out a post. The thoughts are there, I just am having trouble getting them to blogger.
I shall return, pink promise!

To My Love

Keegs,

Today marks 10 months since you have been gone, how strange it feels to put those thoughts into words. I never imagined that this same day 3 years ago when we brought you home from the NICU that it would be such an important day, the 6th of the month.

That day, that perfect fall day, 3 years ago, was full of so much hope. You looked so itty bitty in your car seat as mommy and daddy loaded you into the car. You didn't make a peep just looked all around exploring this big world. To be honest daddy and I were scared. For the first two weeks of your life you were monitored VERY closely and now we were on our own! It was so excited that we didn't have to make any more trips to the women's hospital to see OUR Keegan. You were home safely with us where you should have been. Oh, how I would have loved to know what was running through your mind that day, I am sure you were awe. Oh such a day of hope, love and complete bliss. Our little family was whole once we brought you home.

This same day marks 10 months since you left daddy and I's arms and went to heaven. Some days its feels like FOREVER. Those days I find myself forgetting your smile, your laugh and the tilt of your little head but all I have to do is look at pictures, which thank goodness daddy and I took A LOT of because it does come flooding right back. I feel lucky in that sense because I was with you everyday and we had the chance to make lots of memories

I miss you especially bad right now because fall is one of my favorite times of the year and that is where our memories began. Your first halloween you were just a month old but I dressed you up anyway, I just couldnt resist since technically you weren't even suppose to be here yet. Last year we took you to the pumpkin patch   and had such a good time.

I wish more than anything on this earth that you were here my love. Tears fall as try to envision the rest of my life without you. My baby, my fighter, my Keegan. It seems impossible, it really does. I hope that you can still feel my love for you from heaven. I continue to love you despite the distance because you are the reason I became a mommy.

10 months. I just can't seem to wrap my head around that right now. In just 2 short months you will have been gone a full year and I just cant believe it. No parent should have to loose there child and no child should  not get a chance to be a child.

I miss you Kee. I don't care how often I was up every night. I dont care how many loads of laundry I had to do because you pooped, puked or leaked on your outfit and I dont care how little we got "date nights". I would trade it all in just to have you in my arms again. The morning you took your last breath is the morning a part of me went away that will never EVER be the same.

I hope you are having a blast in heaven. I hope you have found friends like Bree and Wesley and that Granny and Hudsin are there along with Grandpa Polly and Papa until daddy and I are reunited with you again. Mommy loves you baby and I know Daddy does too.

Such a weird day full of smiles for the good times and tears for the good times we will never get.
I love you!
Mommy

Something for You and Something for The Kids!

Who doesn't love scentsy? I mean come on, isn't it one of the greatest inventions since sliced bread? Okay well, maybe not one of the greatest but it's pretty high up on my list. I can have my burners going with no fear of a curtain blowing into an open flame or one of the kids I babysit playing with fire. I pretty much love it guys, really, truly and honestly. Now, here is where I am asking for your help.

A friend of mine, Scentsy consultant Ashley O'Connor wanted to something in Keegan's honor. She wrote me a little note on facebook at the beginning of the week saying she wanted to donate 100% of her commission in the month of October to whatever charity I chose in Keegan's honor. Well, its hard to choose just one. I have a list of about 4 that I love beyond measure and will try to raise money in a heartbeat for. So I gave her the name of all four.....Peach's Neet Feet, CureSearch, St. Baldricks, and Give Kids the World. I told her to choose one and that I would be ecstatic with any choice. After all this is in my sweet boys name to a charity whom I love.

She chose Give Kids the World. This place, as you are well aware, hold special place in my heart. Almost a year ago (11/11/11) we traveled to Kissimee FL for our wish trip and stayed at Give Kids the World. Its a magical place filled with hope, laughter and smiles. For one week we were able to cast our fears aside and just enjoy being together as our little family. No needle pricks or appointments, no chemo or therapy. Just our family together enjoying memories that will last a lifetime. To see more on Give Kids the World I encourage you to check out www.givekidstheworld.org

So this is where you come in. I know most of us have our "scentsy lady", but would you please consider just this one, placing and order with Ashley so that more families like mine can make wonderful memories in one of the most magical places on earth? I myself started with one order on Tuesday...just some smaller stuff....but it was a start to my holiday shopping. It was stocking stuffers and such. So even if you don't buy for yourself, consider starting your Christmas shopping with Ashley because really, its a win win! You get something and the kids at give kids the world gain as well!

Ashley's Scentsy Page

Just click on Give Kids the World-Team Keegan! to enter the party!

Hey There!

HEY all! I have a couple of posts brewing in my lil head but havent had the time to sit down and write. I will though. Ill sit down with a nice cup of apple cider one night this week and hammer it all out. PROMISE!

Happy Birthday Keegan!

Family

What kind of family do you have? Do you have the kind that will drop everything at the drop of the hat to help you or be with you in your time of need or do you have the kind of family where everyone fends for themselves? You can also have a variety of in between families as well. I however, am proud to say that my family is the first one mentioned. They are phenomenal beyond words and I just wanted to cred for a few minutes.

I was raised by a single mom. I say that for one of two reasons. #1 Dad was never around growing up. He was always working and doing things (i.e. working out, running, rock hunting) #2 Dad left us when I was 15 for his secretary. So therefore I was raised by a single mom, got it, okay good.....moving on. So I was raised by a single mom who was making no more than 10 dollars an hour and had 3 girls to support. While my father did provide while they were married and subsequently child support after the divorce, funny things happen, teenage and tweens require money.....and usually lots of it. Between clothes, after school and weekend activities and extra curriculars, I am not really sure how she did it.

Even if my mom made mistakes....and I am sure she did somewhere, although I have never seen the remnants of it,........she has 3 girls who turned into women who...for the most part are "normal." I for instance graduated high school, got a bachelor's of science in Elementary Ed, got married to my husband after dating for 4 years at the age of 26. My middle sister "auntie M" graduated from high school and went on to college where she graduated with a nursing degree and is now a LPN or is it RN, not sure.......who married the love of her life after dating for 5 years and recently had a son. My third sister, we call her itchy bay, graduated from high school, went to massage therapy school, she is currently managing a local spa and wants to go back to school. She has been seeing someone for awhile whom we all hope becomes part of the family soon.

Now, I am not saying that we are perfect or have the perfect life however, I am saying for single mom....she did pretty damn good! She instilled values, morals and strength in us to raise us to be the best version of ourselves.

With all that said, I would like to mention that the support and love from my mother and two sisters through the last 3 years has been nothing shy of phenomenal. When we were at our lowest, which seemed to happen more than once, they were there to help scrap us up off the pavement and give encouragement. They all lived, breathed, and lived some more for our little boy. They were our rocks and our shields in the fight. But while our hearts broke, theirs did too. They loved Keegan and Keegan loved them.

On a weekly basis my mom would drive up to Riley in Indianapolis so that Ry and I could spend one night a week together in our room at the Ronald McDonald house while she keep Keegan company in his hospital room. Most of the time she never slept a wink. Both my mom and sisters helped with fundraisers and drawing awareness to the horrible beast that is childhood cancer. They have all done so much for us and I know we can never ever come close to "repaying" them for what they have done.

But I hope this post shows what a fantastic a loving family we are blessed with. We help each other, we love each other, and we fought and now grieve together. I wouldn't trade these fantastic ladies in our life for anyone or anything.

Thank you Mom. Thank you Mary Ellen and Thank You Abby. For taking care of Ry and I when we couldn't take care of ourselves and loving Keegan and loving us despite our brokeness. Even though I might not tell you all that much, we appreciated everything you have done and will do to keep Keegan's spirit and legacy alive. We LOVE You!

Dates

May 9, May 11, September 16, September 23, October 20, November 11, December 6th......these plus many many more dates are a part of me now. Never in my life would I imagine that dates can play such a significant role in someone's life. They have become days that I look forward to with anxious anticipation. They have also become squares on a calendar that I dread for I have no idea how I will wake up that day. Will I look back with glee, thinking of happy times or will it be one of "those days" that I find myself just going through the motions trying to get to midnight so the day is over?  Either way that specific days pans out it can be terrible and very heart wrenching.

Why do dates play such a significant role in cancer parents/patients lives and lives of those that loose a child? I have been asking myself this for quite awhile now. Our minds tend to play cruel jokes on us. We will be chugging along in life just fine and then realize the significance of the day and in 2.5 seconds your day has gone to hell.

We know we can't rewind time and take back the day. We know there is no mulligans in life and that no matter how much you want it to be like groundhog day it's not. September 16th is now a day associated in mind with hope. Hope for the future of a cancer free life for Keegan. I remember thinking on this day that we got through radiation and quite possibly killed every cancer cell in Keegan's little body (today a year ago was his last proton beam radiation treatment in Bloomington Indiana). Today though, September 16th, 2012 is a bitter day. That hope that I had a year ago was ill fated, in just over a month we would find out that the radiation really didn't do ANYTHING at all and that Keegan's cancer was worse than it ever had been. The radiation seemed to "feed" the cancer, not destroy it like everyone thought.

The worst part this year is that my husband is not home with me. He is about 2000 miles away while I am here, playing the date game in my head. We were so happy a year ago to return home as our little family living in the same space for the first time since July when we went to Florida on vacation. We were so happy for what the future would hold and the possible return of the use of Keegan's legs. How fleeting those moments now seem.

Why 'o why do I do this to myself?

Right before we walked into this building for the last time:

After ringing the bell on the wall behind Ry, signals you have completed your radiation (its kinda a big deal):

Our little family during the party to celebrate the end of radiation:

Robbed

I have missed a lot of things this year. Like wrapping presents for Keegan at Christmas, buying him something silly for valentines day to "show my love", filling a Easter basket, and going to the fireworks with him on the Fourth of July. The biggest thing I will miss this year, by far, is buying/making him a adorably cute costume for Halloween.

Walking through stores shopping today it hit me. Not in a huge "I'm gonna break down" way but in a "man this is just another reminder of how we and he were robbed. Robbed of life, love, and memories."

As evidence to his cuteness, like you need any of that here are some pictures. For his first Halloween he was a little over a month old he was a ghost:

His Second Halloween he was a very upset bumble bee (just a few days post stem cell transplant):

Last year '11 he was an adorable moo cow:

I don't think he liked dressing up much but I sure loved dressing him up. I looked forward to making him a dinosaur costume with mom. I guess ones day we can dress my nephew as a dinosaur. That would make my heart happy. I miss him more than words can describe.

Standing Up

Last night Stand Up to Cancer aired on all national channels (ABC, NBC, & CBS...unsure about FOX). If you caught it, even a glimpse of it, you probably found yourself trying to take in all these terrible facts, statistics and heart wrenching stories. I found myself, just words in the actual programming bawling like a baby.

It didn't take long for the tears to turn into a big ugly cry. The more stories they told the worse it got. I cried for the mother diagnosed with pancreatic cancer while pregnant, and for Justin, he was one of St Baldricks 2012 ambassadors. I love this quote that Justin said during the telecast:

"I don’t even think about me passing away. But if I do, I’m taking my Legos with me!”

How great is this kiddo?!? In the face of terrible odds and never ending cycles of chemo and other procedures he DOESN'T even think about passing away. I think that is just a testament to the will and fight of a child, don't you think?

The highlight, in my eyes, of the whole entire night was when Taylor Swift performed "Ronan". Ronan was a little boy diagnosed at 3 with Stage IV neuroblastoma. He fought this terrible disease for a little less than year succumbing to the cancer on May 9, 2011. His parents have started a foundation in his name: The Ronan Thompson Foundation. I found out about him and his fight on facebook, of coarse! His foundation also has a page here.

This song hits close to home for this momma. I urge you to watch it and listen to the beautiful words Maya (Ronan's mom) and Taylor swift wrote.




I tried for 30 minutes to get through on the phone to make my donation. It was right after this song that the call finally went through. The poor person that answered had to ask if I was okay and when I told her I was making my donation in honor of my 2 year old son who lost his battle to brain cancer the phone went silent for a few seconds.

It was a very moving and hopefully impact full telecast. I hope the more they put cancer in the spotlight, specifically childhood cancer, the more people get it!  I am Standing Up to Cancer, I hope you do too!

Hindsight

You know how in hindsight things can be so much more clear than they were during the actual time the events occurred? Yeah me too, I knew it would happen; I don't know why I feel like its hitting me like a MAC truck though. I knew that when I looked back, especially to the day of Keegan's passing and the time surrounding, that my views and feelings of the event as "part of my history" would be totally different.

Well, I was just looking at pictures to edit for childhood cancer awareness month and I stumbled upon the pictures of Keegan this time last year. They are devastatingly sad and to be honest just break my heart. I was comparing how he looked from our July beach trip to the end of August when we were stationed in Bloomington getting radiation. Oh he looks so sick. He looks so sad in most pictures and it freaking tears me up that MY SON had to be put through hell and back.

Here are the pictures I was referencing:

At the time I didn't really see it. How could I? I got to see that beautiful face everyday. But here, as I compare the pictures, this is one of the most significant changes he underwent....and honestly he never came back from. The way he started to bloat in August from the massive amounts of steroids that were being pumped into his small body just got progressively worse. The glimmer in his beautiful blue eyes is not there and that smile, that smile is masked under little steroid chipmunk cheeks. While we got compliments on his adorable cheeks all the time I always said I couldn't take credit for them, they were man made (steroidal).

I know I am just torturing myself by doing this comparison but looking back I wonder if he felt as bad as he looked.  Did we delay the inevitable and make him suffer more? I know we will never know but these pictures and thinking back to the way he acted I wonder.......was that anonymous poster back last summer right....did we do all these "extra" things for the wrong reason?

Hindsight can really be a bitch sometimes.

Reality

CureSearch

How do I go about starting a blog post where I ask you guys, my general public, to contribute money to an organization that helps fund new research for childhood cancer? Do I give a startling statistic like:

AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY: In 2010 directed $0.01 (a penny) to childhood cancer research for every dollar of public support.   (Total expenses: $951,123,000 and total directed at childhood cancer research:$11,900,000. Source:ACS)

OR

perhaps a visual?

What about a fact about childhood cancer?

13,500 children are diagnosed with cancer every year in the United States

1 in 5 children diagnosed with cancer will die.

Does that do it for you? Because you know what, this could be your child. Childhood cancer is not immune to race, sex, or socio-economic status. Its real and it affects thousands of people in this country EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

So, what do we do about it you may ask....well there are a myriad of different organizations you can donate to for the cause. You know one of my ALL TIME favorites is St. Baldricks.....BUT I would like to introduce you to CureSearch.

CureSearch for Children's Cancer is a non-profit foundation who fund and support research for the different childhood cancers. They are also a great resource for information and support to those affected by childhood cancer. It helps to support clinical trials that could be the next BIG THING for development of new drugs. I love that on their website www.curesearch.org, they make all their financials known. They tell you where all the money goes and even provide tax documents for interested individuals.

They host many fundraisers, one of which, is a walk. Hundreds of cities throughout the U.S. hold them every year. Welp, as luck would have it CureSearch is having its FIRST.EVER walk in Evansville this year. I have been asked to help head up the walk which will be held on October 20, 2012. We are still in the meeting and planning phase BUT its never too late to create a team and raise money. So that is what I have done.

If you head over here. You can either join our team and walk with us on that  day or you can be a part of our virtual team. It's asked that you have a $10 donation per adult. Please, if you don't do anything else this year a small donation to our team will go a long way. It is tax deductible and some companies will match your gift!

I know I seem to ask for money ALL the time. But this is a really important cause, as you are all well aware, that is near and dear to my heart. Just think about a child in your life...could you imagine walking with them through such an ordeal with no support?!?!

6 Weeks

6 weeks. 60,480 minutes. This is how long I am gonna be away from my husband. He is going out of town on Tuesday September 4th. He will be living/working/playing in NYC, The Bronx to be exact.

The anxiety about the trip started at the beginning of this week since it was "official" and all. 6 weeks he will be working on a water treatment facility plant and not home with me and our dogs, the thought of it breaks my heart. I have called my doctor and am having them refill my klonopin as we speak. I have been off of it since shortly after Keegan passed away but I think I may need it. I know me and I know my anxiety {My therapist thinks a pretty good idea too}.

So if anyone feels like they want to keep me company or take me on a "date" {girls only of coarse, I'm a married woman!} feel free to call/email/face book me. I am sure I am gonna go through my ENTIRE book stash, maybe even start eating microwave meals, knitting, and being an introvert......JUST KIDDING, I could NEVER be like that......but seriously I know I will get lonely!

 I do have a web cam and hopefully *fingers crossed* a hubby on the other hand that can take some time out and Skype with his lonely wife.

Proceed with Caution: Work in Progress

I'm a work in progress....Y'all know that. I've been to two therapy sessions since the last I posted {I know I must make it more of habit to get on here and let you know what's up}. I can say that the last week or so has been the best yet since Keegan has gone to heaven and I thank my wonderful therapist for that.

I love this lady guys, really. She gets me....she understands where I am coming from and helps me wade through all the crap that weighs me down on a daily basis. Basically I big puffy heart this lady x 10!

Last week she tried a form of psychotherapy called EMDR.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. "When a traumatic or distressing experience occurs, according to the founder,  it may overwhelm usual cognitive and neurological coping mechanisms. The memory and associated stimuli of the event are inadequately processed, and are dysfunctionally stored in an isolated memory network. The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering influence and allowing patients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms."(Wikipedia, 2012, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, August 19, 2012 <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing>)

The first time we tried it my brain decided it didn't want to go there. My therapist wanted to delve into my anger associated with Keegan's life, sickness and death but my brain was not ready. I can only describe what happened as odd and very interesting once you listen to your body and what it is trying to tell you. While going through this exercise the room started to blur. Its stared with the background and slowly moved to the foreground. By the time we were done everything was blurry and I couldn't make out my therapists face. She went on to tell me that that was my brains way of telling me it wasn't ready to process anger yet.

We moved on that evening and worked on being surrounded by love and remembering good times with Keegan. I left there feeling uplifted and in awe of myself, to be quite honest.

I went into my session last night with an open mind and ready to accomplish some stuff. We talked for about an hour and then my therapist decided she wanted to work on some EMDR. In this approach its important for the patient to have a "safe place" you need to be able to feel it, see it and go there when you need a break. So last night after our "chat" we worked on that. She did the normal EMDR stuff but had me focus on my safe place and it was nothing shy of amazing.

I will share with you that my safe place included Keegan, me and my guardian angel. It was beautiful and I felt complete.  It was refreshing for me to be in this place reading Keegan a book as he was snuggled into my lap. We were embraced by my guardian angel in a three person hug, so much love surrounded us! When I knew my time in the safe place was coming to a close I said goodbye to Keegs. He hopped off my lap and left the room {if you want to call it that} hand in hand with my guardian angel.

This post may make it seem like I a little nutso, I know,  but this form of processing is really amazing. I look forward to my session next week. I can tell you from experience that I have had less "flashbacks" already. I don't find myself reliving the night before Keegan passed. I am trying to focus on happy light memories and while things do just sort of pop up I have learned to roll with it. They are flashing back for a reason.

As for my "crisis of faith" all that can be said right now is that "I'm working on it". I met with one of the pastors from church toward the end of last week. We talked about everything. My anger with God for letting this happen to MY son, MY family. We talked about why WE didn't get our prayers answered even though I had hundreds perhaps thousands praying for us. He sent me home with homework. He wanted me to read a chapter of Job every day {which I am proud to say I have}-and while it is a bit of a downer I can find passages that completely relate to! Oh and get this, because I asked him why my prayers aren't answered he gave me a very interesting way to track them. Write them down. He advised me to write down my prayers everyday/night. That way I can go back and see how God answered them and/or was working. {I will confess, I have yet to do this because I feel funny. Not sure if I should write out my entire prayer or just do a "cliffs Notes" type deal...Ill keep you updated on this}.

So while I am still a work in progress I feel already that I am making progress.

What I need

Well, a lot has happened since the last post. I am going to try to give you a run through as to decisions that have been made and progress ::Yes you read that right, Progress::!

I went to see a therapist last Wednesday. This was the best decision HANDS.DOWN! After putting a status up on facebook, as mentioned in the last post, I looked into all of them and what they had to offer. One of my friends talked about her therapist a few weeks back and since I know she doesn't get on facebook all that often I shot her a text and asked her the name of the person she sees. I knew she loved her and helped her tremendously so I decided to give her a shot. Lots of people had great suggestions but something was pulling me toward my friends therapist and I went with it.

I showed up a few minutes before our session was supposed to start. When I emailed her the previous Monday I gave her a tensy blip into why I needed to see her, point blank, my 2 year old passed away from Brain Cancer in December. So I showed up and within five minutes or so I was sitting in her office really unsure of how this would go ::remember I have a previous bad experience with a therapist and was "tainted".     We started talking and within minutes I was crying and spilling some of my deepest darkest fears, worries, and stressors.

Through our 2 hour session she took lots of notes, she cried with me, and also told me that she can help me! She told me I have depression (which I knew), anxiety (which I kinda knew), and PTSD (which shocked me a little). I told her about the flashbacks, which I mention a few posts back, and described how vivid and terrifying they can be. She told me that was indeed a flashback like some of the solider that come back from war have. We talked about some of the ones that have been the most vivid. She said she can definitely help me with the flashbacks and they may take a few sessions to get under control. In the meantime I am to keep a "journal" of the flashbacks(what they are, how I felt, details, etc.)

We talked about a lot of things and she made me feel more normal that I ever thought I would but more than anything she is giving me hope that I am NOT as broken as I think I am. I started taking a whole Celexa every other night instead of half and that has helped the empty helpless feeling. I know this is going to be a lot of work. I have 2 years, 2 months, 12 hours and 5 minutes worth of memories nevermind all the other issues from my past.

We also discussed my want/need to have children. I told her about both miscarriages and my fear there is something wrong. She told me she didn't think I should get pregnant again before I am in a little better shape, mentally speaking. After I realized how long we had been chatting and fearing I was racking up a ginormous  bill, I scheduled my next session, she gave me hug, and I walked out of there with my shoulders held a littler higher....they seemed not quite as heavy as when I went in.

That night when I got home Ry and I started talking about postponing the having kids thing until I was a little better off depression/anxiety wise. He asked me about the pill which I had discussed with him shortly after I discovered we were miscarrying this past time. So the next day I called my OB's office. They informed me that before he would give me a script he wanted my HCG levels checked to make sure I passed all the tissue and I was no longer pregnant.

Sooooo Friday at noon I had my levels drawn. I should have known how torturous just walking into The Women's Hospital would be. To say I hate that place right now would be spot on.....I walked in trying not to look around to see all the pregnant ladies or brand new babies. If I was still pregnant with the first baby of the year  I would have been due at the beginning of November so I would be getting close and probably huge! Any who So I got the blood drawn and got home as soon as possible. I can honestly say if I don't go back there again until my annual in January I will be better off!

Today my doctors nurse called me to tell my the test came back negative and that he is okay with me going back on the pill. When I asked her about seeing the Reproductive Endocrinologist to do testing she had to go back and re-ask him. He said that he is okay with us trying one more time on our own without any testing but suggested waiting 2-3 cycles. When she informed him I was going on the pill he thought that would be a good idea. The plan is stay on the pill through the end of December/Beginning of January and then go off in time for my annual at the end of January.

So, while I want to be pregnant and have a child to love sooner than later I know that waiting is for the best. While it kills me to watch all these people announce their happy healthy pregnancies on the inter-webs I have to tell myself that I will have that someday in the future.  Right now is not the time for us, as evidenced by my body and its willingness to cooperate. Plus it gives me time to grieve....with all the big anniversaries and dates coming up this fall I can grieve and not have to worry.

So while its not what I want right now, its really what I need.

The Time Has Come

To say its been a hard weekend would be an extreme understatement. I have had one of the worst weekends of my life. I am not sure exactly what "tipped it off" but I know it started Friday night...and is still lingering. I'll get to details in a minute but before that I will let you know that I have NEVER thought about taking my life or doing anything to harm others. This is purely about my mental state. PERIOD.

Like I said I am not sure how this snowball formed but the avalanche that ensued was terrifying. I say it was terrifying is because my faith has become involved.....I'm not even really sure how that happened. I remember laying on the couch staring at the pictures that adorn the main wall in our living room.  Tears started coming for my baby that can't be hugged, cuddled or kissed. I miss this child more than words can ever convey. I started to pray but no sooner than I started praying than I started to question the very act.

{Let me explain my faith a little here}

I have always believed that Keegan was chosen for us and that we were chosen for Keegan. God had an ultimate plan and we were part of it. I believed prayer could change things and miracles could be performed. After all there are many accounts in the bible about God healing people on death's doorstep. I have always prayed for other people, my family and those in need of prayer or God's touch.

So I was laying on the couch and all of a sudden I began to question prayer. We had thousands of people praying for clean scans, remission, and OUR miracle....but that NEVER happened. So Friday night.... fear began to engulf me.....I think Satan was trying very hard to invade my heart. I really do. The  negativity toward prayer and the lack of results because of it spiraled out of control. The questioning of prayer turned into a question of faith and how a loving almighty God can put people through the ringer like Ryan and I have been through. How a loving God can let children get cancer and die EVERY.SINGLE.DAY! I don't understand.

Once these thoughts started to happen then didn't stop {That is how I know it was Satan}...it was relentless.

Saturday I seemed to be okay. I stayed busy all morning running errands, painting the bedroom, and doing general cleaning. We relaxed all afternoon and then went out for sushi with some good friends and came back to our house to play games and enjoy some spiced rum I got as a birthday gift from said friends.

To say I was uninterested in church Sunday would be spot on. I felt terrible for the thoughts I had Friday night but I had decided that I needed to step away from our kids ministry in which I taught 4th and 5th grade girls. I felt that since I was having such a "crisis of faith" and having a hard time believing the word of God and everything I have ever learned in church how can I teach young girls these things. I talked to our pastor's wife who agreed with me and understood where I was coming from. After loosing your only child in which they were sick 94% of their young life and then go on to have 2 miscarriages in 6 moths its hard to keep a "everything happens for a reason" mentality. I then spoke with another pastor's wife who shed tears with me and agreed it was probably for the best for now. I am already trained and back round checked so whenever I am ready to come back, they will be ready to have me.

Sunday went from okay straight down hill. By the end of the message at church yesterday I had such a bad headache all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Which is exactly what I did. The bad thoughts and utter depression came back yesterday evening, again not sure what triggered it. I found myself sitting at my computer looking at pictures longing for my little boy only to find empty arms and an empty house (minus Ry of coarse).

It was then and there that I put a status update out there on my personal facebook page for a recommendation of Social Workers or Therapists. I got lots of recommendations ::thank you for that::. I have found one whom I hope works but if she doesn't I will move on and find another. This gives me hope.

I tried to talk to a therapist after Ryan's mother passed away from breast cancer in '08. At the time it was my first experience with watching someone pass and I needed desperately to talk about it. The person I chose was terrible and put a bad taste in my mouth for the whole thing.

So Wednesday at 7pm I go for some help because lets face it...  the time has come. I am broken and need to be fixed. I know it wont be quick OR easy but I do know that for my health this needs to be done.  I know there will be lots of tears shed and memories drudged up but this is what is best......I know it is. In the meantime I am going to start a devotional in hopes that I don't stray to far from my faith as I know that ultimately its my lifeline.

{I am being open and honest in this post, please do not bad mouth me or my struggle. It is very personal but I wanted to share where I am at. Its a bad place, I realize this and that is why I am going to talk to our pastor and a therapist}

Happy Friday!

Its Friday! I can't believe I made it through the ENTIRE week and I am still standing. Some people know this but I don't think I have put this anywhere but I babysit out of my home. The idea started after Keegan got sick but it really didn't make much sense because we had to watch the germs/people that we exposed Kee to.  After Keegan passed away I was unsure of where I and what I wanted to do. I had spent the last year and half at home as the primary care taker for my son, I didn't honestly feel like going right out into the work force was the best idea for me.

I started small. I watched one little girl who was about to turn two with plans to watch my nephew Matthew when he was born in February. My plan got kinda thwarted when the mom of the little girl I was watching got laid off. So....I put a message out of facebook and within a week I started watching a 3 year old and it was an amazing decision. She makes me smile, warms my heart on a daily basis. My nephew came along and after my sister's maternity leave I began watching him......fast forward 5 months and I have a house full!

In the state of Indiana you can 5 kids if you are not licensed and I don't plan on getting licensed so that is the max I will take. I have been hovering around 2-3 kiddos on a  daily basis for about 2 months now. However; the mom of the three year old I watch recommended me to her friend that was returning to work after a couple month hiatus. She has 2 kiddos and they started this week.

On Monday it was a bit challenging but by the end of the day today I can say we are in a much better place. I love children and I actually have a degree in Elementary Ed so this is right up my ally. If I am not mean to be a mom to babies here on earth right now, I will settle for this. I love these kids with all my heart.

{Just a little insight into my life}

PS-did you notice we are 89% to our goal for Peach's Neet feet in honor of Keegan's Birthday on Septmeber 23rd? Should we up the anty?

Exciting News.....for once.

So as I mentioned on our face book page I have been racking my brain on how to celebrate and mark Keegan's third birthday and the 2 years 2 months that he was here with us. I have gone back and forth on what to do but I finally have it!

For those of you that know Ry and I personally know that we both very into art. In fact we both seriously were part of great art programs in high school and I even walked to minor in it in college. He has a form of that degree as he is computer aided drafting....but anyway.....We feel strongly about art. So this endeavor makes perfect sense.

There is this AHMAZING girl named Peach. She is for lack of a better word a personal hero of mine as she is doing something amazing with her God given talent and I have been looking and looking for a way to support her for months. She has this not for profit called Peach's Neet Feet. You should check it out when you get a chance, but until then here is a little bit about Peach's Neet Feet.

She, along with a couple other artists, take shoes (Van's and converse mostly) and hand paint designs, motto's and some pretty cool things on them and these shoes aren't for anyone....oh no....they are for some pretty RoCkIn kiddos! Her main focus is kids battling pediatric cancers. Our friend Sam got a pair a few months ago. She also takes referrals from kids battling other issues such as organ transplant, burn victims and other childhood diseases along with long term disabilities and genetic issues. SEE I told you this chick rocks!

She even donates a percentage of every shoe sponsored to CureSearch and Life Rolls On.

According to Peach on her website: "We customize each shoe to complement the deserving child's life, interests, and courageous fight! Most of the art used is original and we are open to all ideas and themes."

Here are just a few examples:

So....here is where I want to make a difference for Keegan's birthday. Each pair costs about $25-$30. I would LOVE to be able to sponsor 10 pairs of shoes {possibly and annual thing} in honor of Keegan's day of birth. I think it's a amazing way to give back and help put a smile on these kids faces. What do you think....do you think we can do it by his birthday on September 23rd? This would warm my heart more than you would ever know.

I have spoken with Peach before about doing something like this and she will let us enclose a card about Team Keegan and what we do. If I can get 30 people to donate $10 each by his birthday we will have our 10 pairs of shoes.....I will start with a $30 dollar donation myself....anyone with me?

I will take all donations through the Chip In site that we used for Keegan's funeral expenses. Once we reach his birthday...with all $300 I will send it to Peach to get the shoes. I believe she will then send me info on all the kids we sponsor. The chip in widget is on the top right hand side of my page here....

Well that Kinda Sucked.

There is really no better way to word it. The last 24.......48.....72 hours have sucked. Since the last post I have been on an emotional roller coaster. My OB decided to wait until he drew blood today to see what my levels were before doing anything {this was completely fine with me as I didn't really want to have to make the decision on what to do, just let it work itself out and hopefully God would show we which direction I should take}. Well, he did.

Friday ended with a little bit of bleeding but by that point I really wasn't phased by blood since I had such a bad bleed on Wednesday.

It stopped and by Saturday I had a wee bit of hope maybe everything would be fine even though the ultrasound tech thought we were dealing with a blighted ovum, I guess that is what I get for turning to Mr. Google and actually finding that ray of hope. Anyway........Around 4:30 Saturday evening while watching Pretty Little Liars (my newest vice on Netflix since I ran out of Felicity episodes) I started to get a little crampy. I went to the bathroom and low and behold there was blood. Again, not so much of a freak out moment since I have seen so much since Wednesday. The minor cramping stopped but the blood did not. It continued while out celebrating family birthday's at O'Charley's and even went well into the night. At one point in the wee hours of morning I debated waking my sleeping husband to take me to the ER because I was going through a pad an hour, but the thing that got me was there.way.no.pain. My last miscarriage was VERY painful.

By morning the bleeding had slowed way down but I was exhausted. I think between being up between 130-330 am monitoring the situation and all the blood that I lost I was whooped. I lounged on the couch all day after going back to bed at 830 am and sleeping till 1145.

Fast Forward to this morning. I started bleeding again but I kinda chalked it up to my progesterone suppositories {it seemed to correlate in my brain}. My blood draw was at noon. Then I came home and waited for the ominous phone call. When they didn't call by 345 I called them. I spoke with my doctors nurse who relayed the message to him. She called me back about 45 minutes later with the news that my HcG was now at 400, down from 2800 last Wednesday. Obviously not the news that I WANTED to hear but it was news that I pretty much knew I was gonna hear. We had a couple minute conversation in which I asked her to check with my doctor to see about an appointment to talk about where we go from here. Two miscarriages in 6 months is not exactly a great track record. I am thinking we should talk to someone and start with blood work before we try again. I seem to not have a problem getting pregnant its the staying pregnant that is my issue.

To top it off, today marks 8 months since our sweet Keegan took his last earthly breath. When it rains...it pours.

Wishing Things Were Different

I trust God. Let me make that clear. I trust him in his infinite wisdom and in his impeccable timing. This doesn't mean however I don't wish things were different or temporarily disagree. You see here Ry and I are in another terrible situation.

We have been trying for another baby since our last miscarriage in March. Well, not right after as I had to wait a month or two, maybe three to try again after my D&C. We ended up finding out we were expecting the day after my birthday (July 14th). We were hosting a murder mystery party at our house and before I took any sips of alcholic beverages I wanted to be sure I wasn't putting an embryo in danger. Well, needless to say I didn't drink that night.

I called my OB bright and early Monday morning to report the positive test. He had me come in for my hormone draw the next day around noon. Blood came back at HCg of 29 and progesterone was 7. This sent alarms off inside me, my progesterone should have been AT THE LEAST 15. He decided to draw the levels again in  48 hours. On Thursday my HCg was 57 (for those of you that don't know, doubling time of about 48 hours is ideal)-i was just one number shy of double which my OB was happy about. That evening he called me in progesterone, since it looked like my pregnancy was progressing in the right direction he wanted to try to avoid an miscarriage due to low progesterone. So that night I started progesterone suppositories. They are about as fun as they sound plus some, look it up if you really want to know.

Fast Forward a week to Thursday July 27th. I had blood drawn again. When the doctor's nurse called he said the levels were "normal" and he wanted an ultrasound on Friday August 3rd to check on the baby and make sure everything was okay.

On Wednesday August 1st I was down on our main floor getting ready for all the babysitting kiddos when I felt something. I went to the bathroom and I had already bled through my panties and pants. I ran out to get Ry who was getting in his car to head to work and told him to wait, I may need to head to the hospital. Within a couple of hours I was at the women's ER being evaluated. They did a urine test, blood work and an ultrasound. When my OB made it down to the ER where I was he said my HCg was up to 2800 from 7-forty something (he gave me the exact number-don't remember it now) and said the radiologist that read my ultrasound said the gestation sac was low. He commented there could have been a couple of different reasons for the blood loss but he was leaning toward miscarriage. We left there not really knowing which way this was going to go, healthy pregnancy and baby or loosing the baby.

I went for my scheduled ultrasound this morning, not expecting much since the ultrasound just 48 hours ago didn't show much. As I was sitting there watching the screen in front of me I knew. I knew this wasn't a viable pregnancy and I was in the same position as I was back in March except my current bleeding has stopped. I am currently sitting in my living room, feet propped up watching Pretty Little Liars on Netflix waiting for my OB's office to call. Drugs, Surgery, natural....it's all so much to think about and ponder over. I know my body, I know how it reacts in these situations and it frightens me to "let it take a natural coarse". I tend to clot-A LOT-like huge chicken breast or larger clots hurt when expelled. Part of me would rather just have the D&D and get it over with instead of drawing the process out. I am going to sit here and pray about my options until something is clear.

I wish things were different but I trust in HIS timing, not mine.

Life After Karing for Keegan

It's with tears streaming down my face that I introduce you to Life After Karing for Keegan!

Flashes of a life I once lived

There was this life I lived once not too long ago. It consisted of Ryan and I living in different cities, spending night upon night on a cot next to my sons hospital bed, and lots of anxiety and stress over the next scan, the newest symptom or what Keegan was or wasn't doing. It seems like ages ago although it was just over 7 months. 

The best way to describe these "things" that have been happening to me is to say I am having flashes. I will just be sitting in the living room or laying in bed.....nothing especially significant, just normal everyday activities when it happens. I have a flash......some are longer than others but some aren't. I go back to a certain event (hospital stay, vacation, day at home, etc) and be "immersed" in the moment. I can smell how it smelled, I experience the emotion of whatever is happening, and can actually fell very much like I am right there reliving that moment.

Sometimes they are good flashes and sometimes they are not. I like the good ones, it feels like he is back living with us, breathing and just being him. The bad ones though they are the worst, I get trapped and freak out because I want out! Its terrible. I have relived scan results, terrible hospital stays and his last night and last breath. Those are the ones that try to take me down. They are the ones that try their hardest to break me. While I can feel that sense of anxiety take me over, I have been able to push it back and remind myself that those moments are NOT what need to be remembered. I need to remember him in all his 32 pounds of boy, in those smiles that lit up his face and in that hair (my gosh that hair). I need to remember the way he tilted his head as if he was expressing his love for you and mostly I need to remember him for how he loved us and his life. 

These flashes come from no where, I don't mind the good ones but the bad ones need to go away. I wonder if they ever do.

Whoa....

Drum Roll please..........

I got on the scale  yesterday and I am down 12.5 lbs from May 29th! Can I get a woop woop!!! I don't weigh myself daily, heck I don't even weigh myself weekly, last time I stepped on the scale was toward the middle of June so when I got on the scale and saw that I lost 6 pounds I was so happy I wanted to do the happy dance all by myself in my little bathroom!

I can't say it hasn't been without a crap ton of hard work. Last week I got in 2 days of Zumba and an hour and ten minutes of walking the grounds of the state hospital with a dear friend. I love being active and have missed it sooooo much. I love that I am starting to see major results because I AM changing things. 

The general consensus was POST pictures so I have this weeks pictures. I do want to preface the posting of these pictures by saying 1) My hair is out.of.control (if you remember I shaved it for St. Baldricks back on March15th and its growing like a weed) 2) The lack of make up and 2) how LARGE I am.....but I am hoping this holds me accountable and it shows you what I am sortaish starting with. 

Without further ado:

I can't believe I am posting this for all the inter webs to see ::runs off to hide in the closet:: But its reality. It is the reality of pregnancy, a body after giving birth and a body that has been treated terribly because my son was my #1 priority for the 2 years 2 months 12 days 12 hours and 5 minutes he was on this earth. NOW is the time to change, I will be healthy again!

Slow and Steady......

Slowly but steadily I feel like my body is coming around, that all the hard work with "eating right" and getting exercise is starting to show. Slow and steady wins the race right!? At this point I know its gonna be a long road to get my body back to where I want it to be and as I start to see progress it inspires me to keep it up.

While I don't think anyone can really notice yet I can by the way my clothes fit and feel. The shorts I am currently wearing used to be uncomfortably tight.  Not in the "That girl over there has a camel toe" kinda tight but more in the "bless her heart those shorts are so tight the pockets are pulling across her thighs". While I am still carrying my saddle bags around like its no ones business, I know the harder I work and the more healthy choices I make I will feel better and better in my clothes.  

myfitnesspal.com has been a huge help in holding me accountable and thank you to all my readers who have found me (MrsChupp08) and friend ed me. I encourage you all to open your food diaries to your friends. I feel like it holds me accountable AND I can share some of the yummy things I am eating and can get new ideas from you as well. 

I started Zumba last week, where has it been all my life. I LOVE it and by LOVE I mean LOVE it! I love the fast pace, the dancing and ALL the glorious sweat! I don't feel like I get a good workout unless I sweat like a whore in church-REALLY I am serious. I walk away from the 50 minute session refreshed and dripping-it seriously is great! I still have a gym membership to a women's only circuit type place, haven't been since before I got pregnant in February. I should go back, I enjoyed toning up...they just have such terrible hours and its hard for me to get there.....


While I have gone from 210 down to 203.5 since starting I still have a long way to go. Im in it for the long haul.


Question: Should I do progression pictures for you or is that over rated and lame?

The Gap by Michael Crenlinsten

The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.

A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. To enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.

Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings in having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial - a further measure, however unwittingly, is added to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" in six months is simply "to not get it."

The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those, whose compassion and insight we need most, are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.

We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us; sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons, even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

**A friend who lost her granddaughter recently to the same cancer that took Keegan posted this and I thought it was so relevant. 

Content

I have been waiting for 6 long months and this morning it happened. This morning I finally had a dream where Keegan appeared. He was happy, healthy and full of the smiles that only he could conjure up. For those that know me real well they know that I have been waiting for this day since he passed. All I wanted was for him to come to me in a dream and tell me he was okay.

I don't think that its a coincidence that this past Wednesday he had been gone 6 months. It was wonderful to see his face and that beautiful head full of hair. The first time in the dream I saw him he was swinging in his Little Tikes swing, one of his favorite things to do beside watch Elmo. So reassuring that he was happy and whole. It put my heart at piece.

I don't know how many of you have read "The Shack" but because of this book and the hope it gave me I have been longing for a dream or two, three of five hundred....that's not too much to ask right ;)

Prayers

I know you guys are a great group of people, you have proved that over and over again through everything our journey has entailed. I now ask you for prayers for sweet Lucy. Lucy was diagnosed with Medulloblastoma in February 2011. She has fought 18 long hard months at St. Jude. Her mamma, Kate, made a post on Tuesday that said 

 Lucy's cancer is back. There is nothing we can do. We don't have a long time with her but we are determined to make the most of every minute.

Oh how I hate this for them. Ry and I know all to well how the next days, weeks and months to come will go. 

Please rally with me in support of Lucy and her family as her parents help her transition from her earthly body to one of eternal wholeness and light. Keep Kate and Erik is your prayers as they endure some of the toughest days of their lives and pray for strength and peace that only the lord can provide.

Thanks y'all!

Time is Going On...

Time is going on, and our baby is not with us. Today marks 6 months since Keegan took his last earthly breath and ascended into heaven. Words can not describe the pain, emptiness and ache that consumes my soul. Last night was especially hard, as I wrote in my face book status:

6 months ago tonight I was watching as the life was slowing draining out of my little boy. It was about this time that we know the inevitable was happening and there was no way to stop it. I miss him just as much today, if not more, than I did in the hours and days following his death. I can not believe it has been 6 whole months since I saw his smile, felt his small hand pat my back, or gave him what seemed like a never ending slew of medications. As you lay your children down for bed tonight please give them an extra kiss from a momma who would love one last tuck in......and maybe a prayer for Ry and I, time is going on without our baby.

I know Keegan is in a "better place". I know he is pain free and whole again, able to do things that his earthly body would not let him do, but I cant help but wonder "what if...I was giving him a bath right now" "what if he was with us when we went to visit family out of town last weekend-how much fun would he have had?" I hold on to the memories and mourn the future that we can never have.  Its a strange feeling to know that he is in such a beautiful place, fully healed, waiting for us as we will be reunited one day but wanting him here and aching for him so badly you can barely breath. 

The last 6 months have seemed to go by so fast yet it seems like years since I changed his last diaper. Time is a cruel cruel witch. I hold on to memories and try to move forward. That is all I know how to do.

Its so time

I hate dieting, I really do, and for most of my life my motto was "you only live once". That was until I hit 200 pounds and counting. I have always had a love hate relationship with food, its just how I roll so therefor always struggling with my weight. Most of my childhood I was a tad over where I should be, or so I thought at the time. Looking back I think I looked great. I was a size 6 to 8 in high school which wasn't bad but when you hang out with girls that are 2's and 4's it seemed to be defeating.

The fall that Ry and I got engaged (actually started this pre engagement) I was around 176 pounds and needed to be thinner. Having been in a relationship and living together Ry and I both put on weight and really wanted it off! I started to run on the treadmill and my doctor prescribed me Phentermine. Phentermine is a prescription weight loss pill that you can get through your doctor. I used it for 2 months, basically to kick start my weight loss. I knew if I could see it coming off it would motivate me to do my part. So I started this drug, I liked what it did by suppressing my appetite so I didn't feel like I was starving-is that not the worst part about dieting! I HATE that part. Anyway, so I went in after 4 weeks, lost about 5-6 pounds and then repeated with about the same results.  I bought my wedding dress in a size 14 before Christmas in '07 but by our wedding in March '08 it was hanging off me. 

I got down to approximately 154. I looked great and felt the same. In March 2009 we found out we were pregnant with Keegan. I ate. I wont lie, I ate like it was going out of style and I was pretty sedentary. I hardly had energy in the first trimester to even get out of bed let alone take a walk around the block. Second Trimester brought back a little more energy but oh heavens the swelling started and I was not comfortable in my own skin. By the Third Trimester I was HUGE and could barely move, evidenced by this lovely:

By the time I delivered I was hovering up in the 220ish range and since I am only 5'4ish  its very noticeable. I hate when people make excuses but once he was born fatigue set in and then the diagnosis. Being a new mom I felt like I didn't have enough hours in the day to do what needed to be done let alone working out-although in hindsight that would have helped give me energy.

Once Keegan was diagnosed and we lived out of hospital rooms and Ronald McDonald houses I didn't eat well at all. Add onto that stress, no exercise and depression I just hovered in the 200-215 range. It has stayed that was for the last 2 years and I AM DONE! I am ready to reclaim my body for me!! I need it for myself, for my husband and our future children. I want my body back, my energy back and the double chins gone!

I have started on myfitnesspal.com . Back in 07 when I lost all that weight I just counted calories and stayed active and that is what this app does....since I don't have a smart phone though I use the computer/ipad. So it counts the calories for you and you can input exercise and it adjusts calories accordingly.

I was not made to be a small girl and ultimately I know the 154 range was probably a little too low for my body type. Realistically 30-40 pounds would be great! 

This is a "current" picture of me taken on vacation at the beginning of May, here is to hoping every update will be a little better! If anyone wants to join my journey on myfitnesspal.com my user name is MrsChupp08 and I will be updating here as well.

Wishing You were here.....

Keegan,

Its May now, you have been gone from our loving arms for almost 6 months. It is so hard  to wrap my brain around the fact that just 6 short months ago you were alive and we were getting ready to go on your Wish Trip.    What a great time you had, I am sure you were in more pain that I can ever know but you kept a smile on that gorgeous face as if you didn't want to show us how bad things really were. 

You know how hard of a month May is for me, I am sure. My very first Mother's Day I felt you move for the first time inside me, little did I know a mere year later on my first Mother's Day with you in my arms you would be life flighted to Riley with what turned out to be a brain tumor. My third Mother's Day you relapsed and we were expecting a surgery on your spine within days and here I am a few days after what would be my fourth Mother's Day and I talk to you through my heart, not in person. 

I am a shattered mess Keegs my whole soul aches for you and I don't really know how I am gonna live to be old and grey without you in my life. You were my reason for being a mom, you were my little booga booga. Even though I know you are pain free running around with Bree I long to see your smile, your bright blue eyes and hear you laugh. You and daddy were my everything and now I just don't know what to do. 

Daddy and I got home from our cruise almost a week ago. While we had a good time in the Caribbean sun we both commented how it made us miss you more because you would have loved doing some of the things we got to do. It made it more evident that you were gone when people would ask if we had any kids or why we took a cruise. Sometimes we explained what happened and sometimes we didnt, please dont ever think we dont want to share you or the courageous fight you fought, but some people just can't handle reality. 

I miss you buddy more today than I did yesterday. The anniversaries are terrible for me, I wish I could completely forget about dates and just focus on all the good memories but its easier said than done. 

Until next time buddy I love you,

Momma

Brain Tumor Awareness Month

May 1st started brain tumor awareness month.....This is a month that is obviously near and dear to my heart, for this and many other reasons. I think this month deserves a post about how common brain tumors are and how little funding they get in contrast to breast, prostate, etc.

The statistics for brain cancer are alarming to say the least.

According to the American Brain Tumor Association brain tumors are the second leading cause of cancer-related deaths in children (males and females) under age 20 (leukemia is the first). It is also the second leading cause of cancer related deaths in males ages 20-39 with it being the fifth leading cause of cancer related deaths in females of the same age group. These are all staggering and startling statistics.....as our new brain tumor awareness shirts say, brain cancer effects all walks of life!

According to the same site in 2012 approximately 4,200 children younger than age 20 will be diagnosed with a primary brain tumor of which 3,020 will be under the age of 15. I dont know about you but this information makes me sick to my stomach. 4,200 children REALLY? Yet the funding for both childhood cancer and brain cancer has significantly less money allocated than cancers such as breast and prostate. SOMETHING needs to change!

This month, can you please take the time to pray and think about all the people affected by brain tumors. Including but definitely not limited to:

Keegan C
Bree H
Talon B
Wesley J
Kate M
Lucy
Scarlett W
Mike J
Rylee R
Prestin B
Anna L
Joey K
Mikie B
Danielle B
Corin L
Dylan R
Chase E
Alex G
Jazmine B

and all the other heros that have fought and continue to fight!
Grey Matters!