Thursday, December 29, 2011


Here is to blowing our $50 goal out of the water by $220 donated just tonight!
Thank you to everyone who took part in making this evening fun!
Toon in soon, we have more tricks up our sleeves!

You know, that post where I tell you I am gonna shave my head for money.

So y'all know about St. Baldrick's Foundation right? Well I have formed a team here in Evansville. The shave is going to take place March 15th at RiRa's. I felt that Team Keegan needed to represent in the fight against childhood cancer. I have one other Shavee on my team but would LOVE to have ATLEAST 3 heard that right....three more shavee's.

All you gotta do is head over to HERE and you can either sign-up on Team Keegan to volunteer, be shaved or donate monies! I will be holding random contests for stupid stuff over NOW HERE to see what is going on on any given day!

Tonight  "It has been decided from the Team Keegan Page that if we 1) Get another volunteer(tonight) to definitely shave their head with me for St. Baldricks here in Evansville 2) Get $50 in donations (totally tonight) from random donars that I will take a picture of my fat butt standing in a headstand in my hall and post it on FB!"

So there ya go! ::Que Theme Music:: Lets get it start ah lets get it started in heeerrreee::

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Our First Christmas

The feelings and emotions are still raw and {{right there}}. It's hard to deal with the day to day emotions let alone Christmas. I'm not 100% how I am gonna get through the next couple of days let alone the New Year feeling like I am leaving my one and only son in the year 2011.

I know it will get better, I know I will have good days and bad and I know in the rational part of my brain that I will never ever forget his laugh, his dimple right above his butt crack and his love for Elmo. But unfortunately the holidays are making it a little bit harder to help myself get beyond the grief.

I still have that peace, I do. He is gone and in no more pain, but like I said on face book a few days ago, DAMMIT I miss that kid!

Christmas '10

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

How life can change in 2 weeks....

Its been 2 weeks or 14 days 9 hours and 15 minutes since I heard my baby take his last earthly breath. 20,715 minutes since I calmly told him while stroking his stubby hair that mommy and daddy where right there with him, he could go onto heaven and we would see him shortly. I told him how much we loved him and crawled back in bed. The three of us, in the bed he was conceived coming full circle with the death of the baby we created. It was surreal and continues to seem like it was all a movie or bad dream.

When I am doing something away from the living room, lets say in the kitchen, I have this feeling that I need to go into living room and check on him while he is watching elmo. When we went to our life group this past weekend I had this urge to ask my mom how he was doing and did he behave well while we were gone. I went to the bedroom to get dressed in my sleepy clothes when I got the urge to check his crib, which is currently in our room, give him a kiss and tell him I love you and goodnight.

I know it's not gonna get any easier for awhile. I pray everyday that I don't forget a smile, his laugh, his pudgy little wrists or ankles, those beautiful blue eyes that could make you melt and all the wonderful things that made Keegan Keegan. He was and will always remain my baby. While we are hoping for more children in the future, I never EVER want the feeling that I am replacing him in any way shape or form.

I am reading a book right now sent to me from a foundation for grieving parents. The book is called Gone but Not Lost : Grieving the Death of a Child.I have breezed through it and it is written with lots of biblical references which help me out a lot. So anyone out there in a similar situation I HIGHLY recommend this book written by David W. Wiersbe.

While I have lots and lots of emotions with this whole thing, I want to add there is a sense of peace in it all. I was talking with our Pastor last week and told him of this sense of peace and one of his only comments about it was that is awesome. Very few people experience this peace that transcends all  understanding (Philippians 4:7). I can tell you that it happens and it is true. I am at peace for the most part. He was suffering-to what degree I am not aware but he was it was evident. All the days of doctors appointments, tests and hospitals stays. Those are all behind us. He is at peace in heaven with God who takes special care of all children. THAT gives me comfort.

I miss him beyond words, I can't look at pictures and not want to cry or go through old blog posts and not be brought to sobs but it will get better, and when I think I am alone I have to remember that I have a wonderful husband and family by my side but most importantly God carries me when I am too week to carry myself.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

My Life.

There are many cliche's that are synonymous with my life right now. I don't feel like going into all those {at this point-not to say at a later date I wont want to have a pitty party where I ask you to pull up your most comfy blanket and a glass of wine-but that is later}. This is now, this is the reason I stayed up way to late last night thinking of life, my life and what it means now, after my child has passed away.

Right now, my life as I know it consists of minutes that feel like hours and hours that seems like days. My purpose is undefined and I feel like I am roaming around an empty house with an empty hole in my chest.  I get up whenever I want usually after 8 roam around the house like a lost puppy pondering what to do with all the minutes of all the hours of the day. Some people would die for a schedule like this, but I can tell you that when you are used to getting up at 6:15am routinely to feed your toddler and give the 8 am medicines, you miss your "normal". What I would call the feelings of worth and purpose.

Mornings that were once filled with Occupational therapy, Elmo and "music time" are now filled with endless mind numbing hours on the computer coupled with naps and pitty parties. I stare at all his toys, I walk into his room and I contemplate doing something with it all but I can't muster the strength. I try to tell myself that is only been a little over a week since the unexplainable happened. Since our one and only son went to be with Jesus, but he defined me. I was (and will be) Keegan's Mommy until the day I die.

I guess I just have to find the new me, the new meaning in my life, the new set of regimens and schedules that will define me and make me feel whole again.

Side note: This is all not to say that my husband doesn't mean the world to me because he does and always will. I was Keegans caretaker most of the time and it is what life for me was.

Sunday, December 11, 2011


I am honestly at a loss. I am not sure what to write but feel that I need to write for myself and all of you who have supported us through this rollercoaster the past year and half.

Keegan's viewing and Memorial Service were everything a mother could hope for (given the situation). We received friends, family and people Keegan touched on Thursday from 2-4 and from 5:30-8. It stayed steady with people coming in and out. We had TONS of family there which helped out tremendously and lots of co-works of Ryan, my mom and sisters.

The room was decked out in photos of Keegan through his two short years of life. We included favorite stuffed animals, toys, and his beloved kiddy lazyboy equipped with one of his favorite blankets. Photobooks both made on a photosite and just plain old albums were scattered around the room for people to view. We received so many flowers, angels, throws, and mementos I am overwhelmed. The room looked beautiful. We decided on an evergreen spray with red roses white carnations and some poinsettas to top his casket along wtih a ribbon that said Angel. Behind his casket were clusters of red, green and white balloons. We received many compliments on how wonderful the room looked.

He was dressed in a cute little vest, white button down and clip on red tie. This was not to be outdone by his favorite pair of jeans from the Children's Place (which you really couldn't see because that part of the casket was closed). He looked perfect with his favorite blankee and cookie.

On Friday we held the memorial service at our home church One Life Henderson. I along with my husband hand picked our worship songs taking deliberate thought as to which ones and what they mean to us. Here was the line up:

Welcome: Pastor Bret
Speakers: I wrote something, Abby (my sister) read a letter and my other sister Mary Ellen read a poem.
Song 1 - I Will Rise - Tomlin
Song 2 - God I look to you - Bethel Live (Jenn Johnson)
Speakers: Nurse Mandy who read a wonderful speech she put together about her time spent with him, Keegans cousin Caden who read about cancer and the fight, and Keegan's uncle Steve about what a fighter Keegan was.
Bret (main message)
Song 3 - Amazing Grace (Chains are Gone) - Tomlin
Song 4 - The Stand - Hillsong United
Elmo's World

The Memorial service was a perfect mix of rememberance and hope knowing that Keegan is resting in Heaven with his Granny and Cousin. It encorporated things he loved like worship music and a slide show that ran the entire service of pictures from the last 2 years.

After the service friends, family and supporters all filed by to say one last goodbye and express their condolences. It was hard, really hard. When all of them had left and it was just family, we took our turns saying goodbye to the good lookin boy all dressed up for his party in heaven. I went first-whispered loving words into his ear hoping he could hear me in heaven. I then stuck a note, written by me next to him in his cofffin. My husband went next, then my mom and sisters. I snuck back in and got a good kiss on his little lips before the casket was closed for good. (that is one of the hardest things I have had to do-besides physically seeing and hearing him take his last breath.)

We spent the last couple days with family that were in from out of town which semi distracted the gaping whole left in my heart and soul. As they have all now have gone I don't know what to do. We have received his death certificates and it has been 48 hrs since he passed so he should be creamated tomorrow with his cremains back in our loving hands by mid to late week. It will be nice to have him back at home although in a different form.

I won't lie, it hurts. It hurts really really bad. I broke down in church today after one of our campus pastors mentioned him in a prayer we held together after the service. It doesnt feel right. I keeping thinking he is just napping and will be waking any minute.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Heavy Hearts and Tear Filled Eyes

It is with heavy hearts and tear filled eyes that I announce:

It has been a rough 24 hours to say the least, Keegan went very quickly surrounded family that loved him deeply. He took his last earthly breath at 5:45 this morning. Ry and I had the chance to cuddle him in our bed after he passed and talked with him. I feel blessed to have had a wonderful Hospice Nurse overnight, our Pastor Bret Nicholson and Dan Gross involved in what would be the final part in his journey.
Be rest assured he is not in pain any longer and he be cuddled by his Granny Wanda and Great Granpa Polley along with his Cousin Hudsin.

Funeral arrangements are just pending finallized times, toward the end of the week for sure to let family get in town. Please keep Ry, myself and our entire family in your prayers and we move through the hours and days to come. This is harder than I ever imagined it would be. I will post more on the funeral home after our meeting in an hour.
Much Love!
Beth-aka Keegan's Momma

To View his online obituary: